IMHO, it sounds like a midlife crisis. I agree with Cadet, I think you give him space and detach. It is for your benefit with the hope of reconciliation. My H has filed and bought a new home, but I think I pushed him there by not detaching and forcing him into conversations he wasn't ready to have. I think there were some positives with your H saying he would go to MC and he didn't say he was proceeding with divorce. Don't panic (I did and look where it got me). You can do this!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Julie - were you detaching the entire 8 months? Because my situation has been 7 months and I detached in oct/nov then had to start again in January because I blew it with reconciliation talk. In my H's case it pushed him into a corner and he filed. I'm newer to this board but it seems like it does take a very long time for db'ing to work in the case of reconciliation (if it does work).
Zeus posted something earlier today that said you have to give up on your marriage at the same time you are trying to save it when you detach. I'll try to find it because it was such great advice. I think we both could use it.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Here is what Zeus posted earlier today. I hope this helps you as much as i hope it will help me.
So when you ask what the difference is between detaching and giving up, I look at the actions, and since there is no difference in action, I say there is no difference between detaching and giving up. But I also look at standing for your M, and since there is no difference in your actions there, I say there is no difference between detaching and standing for your M. In fact, there is no difference between standing and giving up either, unless you change your actions as a result and go down a bridge burning destructive road.
So my advice is to give up on your marriage while you keep standing for it and do both while detaching
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Yes, it is true. Detachment will work. I almost feel like I need to be a sociopath to truly detach though. Would I even be on these boards if I was detached? Inthink I might be able to this time around. I notice my moods and hormones play a big role as well.
Right now son has strep and I am still sick. I just went on antibiotic but I feel so tired and lethargic and unable to process. Happiness is really hard right now and I think its more because I'm under the weather. This virus has been making it hard for me to look at things positively and because kids are taking turns being sick I am not really getting any sleep.
I did call husband and asked him about physical intimacy since we are technically separated. He said we are still married and he has not been physically intimate with anyone. He said he wouldn't be able to if he even wanted and he doesn't want that type of involvement. He said he wants no extra stress in his life. He was actually very calm and kind with this discussion. Admittedly this topic is something I Have always been obsessed with. He said right now he just needs to get his life straightened out. He needs time. He cannot handle more then one thing at a time.
I know husband has ocd. I am not diagnosing this. he gets obsessed with work and they take advantage. This has been an ongoing issue. I am wondering if the ocd is a part of this. He has been saying he needs to find new job for years. He says this now as well. He looked like he was going to cry when he told me how miserable his job is. This caused lots of friction at home. When I used to ask about affair he would joke that his only mistress is his 70 year old male boss.
It is very painful to me that he had an easier time leaving me and kids then his job... This says a lot.
I also know that I could be blaming his job as a way to deny my role. Even now maybe I am in denial. It is all our marriage. I am thinking that He just does not have enough mental strength or perhaps band width to go through a divorce right now, but will do so. That is his plan. In mean time he is trying to get me to work full time. His niceness is just niceness and nothing more? I want direct answers and he won't give them to me. Is it strategic for him?
He told me he consulted with attorney and it was sobering.
Yes I know the only option I have is to detach. To do so I have to give up hope though. To detach I kind of have to make myself hate him though.
I am confused and I want answers. This is hard to accept.
I am so sorry you and your kids are sick. I am sure that is not helping the situation.
I do not think you have to give up hope to detach. I have been detaching for the past 3-4 weeks and I still have hope. In fact, I am working towards not having hope because I think that the WAS knows when you still have hope. Also, it will only help me in the long run not to have hope in case there truly isn't an opportunity for reconciliation. There are lots of us on this board that have hope and are detaching.
It sounds like your H is under a lot of stress and you detaching will actually be an act of kindness for him right now. When I was begging, pursuing, pleading and forcing my H into conversations he didn't want to have he withdrew, filed for D, bought a house and told our sons that the D was proceeding. So, while detaching may be hard to do, what I did before made it so much worse. Learn from my mistakes - I think if I would've followed the db'ing from the beginning my M may have a better shot.
Start thinking about goals and 180's for yourself. Make plans to GAL. I hope you and your kids feel better soon.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
When I detached last time, it was because husband told me he did not want to work on reconciliation, then he told me he thought we should try and that he only said that because I was pushing him and that he could be emotional as well just like i am and change his mind.
I guess I don't know how to feel anymore.
One part of me really sympathized with him when he was expressing his crisis. I know he feels like a failure financially (he shouldn't and I told him I never cared about his ability to provide) and in some other areas as well. I know he was very anxious about his health (some serious issues). I know more then he does about some pretty bad family dynamics on his side. When he communicated with me the other day, I just wanted to help him. I see that he is asking for space and will do it more because he needs it then true detachment at this point.
Another part of me fears that he is blaming it all on me and I need to act in my own best interests because he will leave me and kids in a bad way. That he is making strategic moves. I feel rejected and vilified by him (like we all do). When I feel this way, I will be honest but I am not sure how to detach. Or I feel like the only way I will ever be able to truly detach is by having a love interest. (I know how crazy that sounds and would not act on it but for some reason I feel like I don't know how else to detach other then that)
He sounds like he could be depressed or having mlc. He sounds like my H. I've tried to reach out kindly and compassionately but he still reacted by withdrawing. So, I really do think, based on my experience and the mistakes I've made, I would give him the space he needs.
I would also focus on you. What are you doing to GAL? What are your 180's you are working on or your goals? I think it will be easier for you to give him time and space he needs while you take the opportunity to be the best you. I hope that makes sense. Whatever you invest in yourself now will pay off in the future whether you reconcile or not.
Thinking of you.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
