That's true Shreeve, but hard to see when you're in the trenches. The hard thing for me is that the fond memories make me want H back even more. But I find that as the days/weeks/months go by, H becomes this shadow that though not here, is very present with me all the time. In the meantime, I think about what workouts I will do, where I will go for my birthday, what new hobbies I can afford to get myself into, etc.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
WAW and I went everywhere together so everywhere I go has a memory attached to it. I can literally remember which table we sat at when I go into a restaurant. I can remember the exact treadmill she used when I'm at the gym.
It's so obsessive.
I also obsess about when she truly started detaching from me. Was it right after we bought our new house? Was she pretending she loved me at that point? Or did she start wanting out a few months after we moved in?
All questions that I will never have an answer for, so why do I worry about them?
I also obsess about when she truly started detaching from me. Was it right after we bought our new house? Was she pretending she loved me at that point? Or did she start wanting out a few months after we moved in?
All questions that I will never have an answer for, so why do I worry about them?
Because they are fair questions as you weren't looking to leave...
And it is hard. There are things that remind us of our H/W at every turn as they are part of our every step in life to this point. Hard to erase those thoughts and I too often when did she feel this way? WE bought a house about 16 months ago that was a reach but our little dream. So why not leave before right?
REally...doesn't matter at this point except to maybe cherish the good thoughts and flush the bad ones.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I am glad that I am not the only one who wonders those things....we moved to a new city a year before the bomb dropped. Why move us away from our friends and family that we loved if you weren't happy? We are miserable in new city and now have to deal with the D. I am not sure we will ever have answers to the why's....my greatest why is "why didn't H talk to me about the problems he was seeing before he started an A because they weren't big enough before the A to get a D and now they are?" It is too confusing and it is probably mind-reading to answer them on our own. These questions keep me up at night, too. Although, as I detach, there are some good days sprinkled in with the bad.
Thornton - have you thought about keeping a journal? I wish I would've written down all my emotions and thoughts throughout this journey. I think it will help you see how far you have come when you reread it later. I know that I still have my ups and downs. But, I also know that I am way better than I was the first 2-3 months of this nightmare. It may be helpful for you because you are still so early in this process.
Hope you can do something for YOU today!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I am glad that I am not the only one who wonders those things....we moved to a new city a year before the bomb dropped. Why move us away from our friends and family that we loved if you weren't happy? We are miserable in new city and now have to deal with the D. I am not sure we will ever have answers to the why's....my greatest why is "why didn't H talk to me about the problems he was seeing before he started an A because they weren't big enough before the A to get a D and now they are?" It is too confusing and it is probably mind-reading to answer them on our own. These questions keep me up at night, too. Although, as I detach, there are some good days sprinkled in with the bad!
This is exactly the thought I cant get out of my mind. And the reality is the issues weren't enough to warrant leaving but they've been built up by the OW and her friends to the point that the mole hill is now a mountain so high I can't see the top. You can't fix a problem by ignorning it and having an affair certainly doesn't fix anything. And now they've ruined something that was beautiful and rare. And there's no going back.
And Thorton, as my WS travels to CO today to spend a week with his friends, I find myself asking the same questions. And I think the answer is if he doesn't, he will. We've been such a big part of their lives for so long, it's not a switch that can just be turned off. Red robin will always be our birthday place and when our song is on the radio, he'll remember why it was our song and what we went through to get there. Those years don't go away, they're just cloudy right now.
Here's hoping for some sun light
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Man I wish I was THAT guy with all of the answers. Wouldn't I be a hero to everyone? That hurt of feeling like a reject, like a discarded piece of furniture is devastating. You try to pinpoint exactly what the WAW was craving. But because they chose to sit on their resentment and not speak up for themselves, they have let the whole family down just as we have. They had so much control of the sitch and they chose to be silent. If your spouses doesnt hear you, SPEAK UP until they do. It is your responsibility to make yourself heard and understood. So they failed miserably at that.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Agreed. After an hour long walk and 45 minutes in a hot shower, I'm just really sad that he can't see what he is really giving up. I was the girl who went through the worst parts of his life when everyone else abandoned him. I'm the girl who when he said he was unhappy, knew to call his best friend from high school. I'm the one who really honest to god love him the way you're supposed to love someone, with my whole heart, because of his flaws and his virtues. I was loyal and honest and kind and I got sh*t on for it. I'm not perfect but I did love him. And the kind of love I have is the kind you fight for, the kind that stories were written about. When did that stop? Why is he so scared of settling down, when his biggest life goal is to be a dad. Why does he feel like he has to do everything alone when I'd walk through hell with him. Why did I have to love someone who forgot he loved me back, all for a piece of ass that is crazy. He had so many crazy girlfriends before me, I was the girl that was different. I was the one that stuck by him when even his family didn't. How do you let that go!?
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
My WAW dated abusive men that cheated on her. I was just the opposite. I provided stability that she never experienced before. I helped her build her credit. She became a first time homebuyer with me.
I supported her through her alcohol rehab and was there for every visitation (3 hour drive one way!). Her mom and sister didn't even do that for her.
I took her D in as my own. Did her homework with her D every night. Provided them with vacations and fun trips that they could never have afforded.
It's amazing the similarities we have. I feel so taken for granted and discarded like a piece of garbage. I feel used by her.
