Staying the Course Pt. II

[broke]

I agree with Zeus above. I wish I could write that eloquently! And, as always, he is right on point.

Isn't this the truth: "the mistake that most DB'ers make is they think their feeling are the measuring stick of the sitch. They aren't. It's a game of actions, not feelings."

I am going to do everything I can to take Zeus' advice to heart and I hope you can, too, Hope! It's time to give up and stand for the M while detaching. We can do it! There will be good days and bad, but we can do it....

[HopeRB]

Thank you Zues for your input. The problem is, I don't want to give up on my M. And I've been working on my DBing/detaching consistently - which is why I am dark. I feel a bit confused here though b/c I see alot of ppl get encouragement not to give up on their M but I don't get that vibe on my end. I don't ever want to give up on my H or our M but of course I understand the need to detach, 180 and GAL the heck out of everything right now. But that's why I wonder if there are any users out there who's stories are similar to mine. I'm looking for something to grasp onto. I feel like you're asking me to completely forget about my H and our M.

[Thornton]

Hope,

I think what Zeus is saying is that you have to let H go before he will ever want to come back.

It's counter intuitive to what you think you should do.

Take a look at Uphill's thread. His W now wants to work on their marriage. But it took him completely letting her go before she woke up.

So... the more you can actually move on from H, the more likely he will notice and want to come home.

[HopeRB]

Thanks Thornton. Ya, I came across Uphill's thread over the weekend and am reading through it now.

By me going dark, is that looking to H like I'm moving on? I know on my end I am detaching on working on my DBing/GALing but as you know, H doesn't see it. So what does this all look like to him if he doesnt care and doesn't even see it?

Also, we still have things together, accounts together, etc. Should I just separate all of that stuff before he does to show that I'm moving on? Leave it?

[broke]

Hope - have you talked to DB coach? Someone suggested that to me because I'm confused about being "friends" with my WAH.

I thought I remember reading somewhere that their DB coach said detach for a certain amount of time, check-in and then detach even longer if it wasn't a positive interaction. But I wouldn't do that without advice from a veteran on here or DB coach. Because it seems like the general consensus is to detach.

I would leave accounts as is for now unless it is financially harmful to you. That's just my opinion but maybe someone else can weigh in here too.

[HopeRB]

Haha, that was me broke who mentioned being friends and detaching for a certain amount of time, etc. Everytime I speak with my DB coach, she says to do some form of this. But now I'm just confused b/c of what Zues was saying a bit ago on here. I'm afraid I'm just detaching too much.

The only reason I wonder about separating accounts and things further is b/c that would maybe show him that I'm moving on for real... I don't know.

[broke]

Lol! Sorry - I'm getting a lot of good advice in here I can't remember who gave it :-).

Idk about the accounts. I pushed my WAH away further when I did it. He was mad. Not sure why but he took it personally even though he was one that moved out. That was my experience. He didn't see it as detaching and moving on. It just made him angry.

[HopeRB]

Ha no worries. That's interesting that he would react that way. I'll leave it alone then.

[broke]

Yes, when he said he wanted a divorce, I opened my own checking account, got a safety deposit box, a P.O. Box, etc. It made him very, very angry, which I found odd since he wanted the divorce and I was just trying to protect myself. So, my advice was just based on my experience. But, I wouldn't wait at all if it puts you in a precarious position financially. I would definitely protect yourself if it does.

[Zues126]

Hope, let me clarify the two points I am trying to make, then talk specifically about what you should be doing.

Point 1- I don't really care how you feel, I care what you do.
Point 2- what you do shouldn't change regardless of whether you feel like standing or feel like giving up

Based on that, I don't really see why it's relevant whether you feel like standing for your M or not. Not only that, as you walk the road ahead of you, you may feel differently. LBS's have their own script as they work through their own fog and stages of grief. In the beginning is lots of denial and bargaining, thinking we are going to DB things back together, or that if we just fix our problems it will be ok again. Later there is a ton of anger, so much that many LBS's condemn their WAS as a morally inferior and immature incapable human being that they want nothing to do with. Acceptance is a long way out. And none of it is linear, you will feel differently during different days.

The reason I don't want you to steer your actions based on feelings is that it will be clingy/pursuing in the early stages, and then later you will want to burn bridges or punish. See threads by Fo and JulieH for examples of the anger stage. You really have to make a commitment on what you're going to do based on beliefs, and don't worry about what your feelings are telling you. And as long as you do the right things, just be ok knowing they'll be all over the map.

So if that doesn't clarify why I think whether or not to give up on the marriage in your mind isn't important, let me tell you how I view it more specifically. I think you have to make peace with the loss of your marriage. You have to grieve for it. You have to let it go.

See, when I ask 'why do you NEED to be married' there are two parts to the answer. Part of it is noble and good, wanting to celebrate the life that you've been given with the partner God gave you. Wanting to provide a good example and safe home for your children. Nothing wrong with that. But there is also a part of the answer that is selfish and weak. Needing someone to love you so you make up for the fact that you have a low sense of self worth, needing an emotional or physical care taker or provider, depending on this person to meet all of your needs.

The second batch of reasons aren't as healthy...and in fact this can contribute to the breakdown of the M. Because when you depend on your H for emotional needs that you are responsible for meeting (either on your own or through a balanced support group) it can be pretty demanding on him, and if he doesn't live up you might resort to controlling behavior, grow resentful, become critical, etc. The very things that drive a man away. So by learning to be an independent woman that is capable of taking care of yourself and finding happiness within the life you have, with or without H, you are also maximizing your chances of being a good partner and maybe, maybe, maybe even changing enough that he sees that and wants to be a part of what you've got going on.

So you should be trying to figure out which part of your obsession to save the M is healthy and which is fear/need driven, then understand why those needs are so profoundly powerful to you, and little by little find ways to meet those needs elsewhere. That's why GAL is so important, when you find other ways to meet your needs through a healthy and balanced life, you won't need your H, and it will be easier to detach. That doesn't mean you won't WANT him, or your marriage, but at least your happiness won't be conditional upon him acting a certain way, so you can ultimately let go of the controlling behavior. Because let's face it, needing your H to come back to the M is controlling in its worst form. Desiring a union together in the light of God *IF* God so wills it, that is what you're after.

This is the road I walked. I started by needing my M back. Little by little I got to where I just wanted it. The last year I don't know, I don't ask myself anymore, I just live the life I believe I'm supposed to live to the best of my ability. I have faith that God will open the road in front of me, I trust him to steer, that's His job, mine is to be appreciative for the life I've been given, however different it may be from what I was EXPECTing.