It is letting go of the outcome, doing that which works to achieve your outcome. Its about you. So its fine if WW pays for your son and fine if she doesn't. You are doing that which works for you irrespective of WW, its the right thing. It is as if your emotions were tied to WW like being pulled behind WW emotional speed boat. WW is all over and you are dragged behind. Instead you are now on a surf board with your own destiny.
How would Detachment work in the course of an active divorce lawsuit?
No differently, its a state.
My wife just started one, it is definitely going to be a tug of war from both sides.
Detachment means knowing D is just a piece of paper. If D works for you in your sitch you initiate and if you don't want D you let W drive. It means being fine with the outcome of being D or not. And before you ask that isn't indifference, you may not want D and you may work to overcome it but if it happens you know its just a stage.
How would I practice Detachment if every decision I make affects WW, and every decision WW makes affects me?
Detachment isn't a behaviour or action. Its a state of mind. It means that you make the right decisions for you in your sitch and know they have consequences and whatever they are its ok. You let WW make her decisions and know she can do as she pleases and you have no control over it. That is as it should be.
Both monetarily and also for custody?
And many other things to in a divorce. You can play Wars of the Roses or you can play The Breakup. You can get punishing or doormat. All of these are choices. Another choice is to make the best decisions with a coll head and be ok with the results. That mans the right to stand firm for your boundaries, money and custody. It also means that if you dont like the result you have the right to seek changes.
You do the things you need to do whatever the results.
These philosophical questions seem so very zen.
It isn't zen to me. its my normal state nowadays on just about everything in my life.
How do I apply it to real life?
Its a state, start small with the ordinary things. If you want to go out to dinner and ask WW to go with you, fine if she does and fine if she doesn't. If you intense clean the kitchen and WW doesnt thank you fine if she does or doesn't.
If WW texts the scumball, fine if she does and it's ok if she doesn't. You recognise you have no control.
If WW infringes one of your legitimate boundaries then you enforce the boundary even if that causes spew. Fine if she spews and fine if she doesn't. Remember a boundary is yours and you can't set a boundary for someone else.
For example, if she's fighting with me on who pays for what or parenting decisions in the future, how do I Detach myself from that?
You stop fighting and take the action you want to take irrespective of her annoyance. You do whats right for you, you know there are outcomes and you live with it, it is as it is. You stop tugging at the rope over the deep well of destruction.
You let the outcome unfold knowing you made the best choices for you whilst taking hers into account. Its a state of mind that helps you as a man live and deal with a WW. Its strong and attractive. Determined and Serene. You also engage with the process of D for your best interest.
That's my view on it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
On a practical matter, WW is about to move out. Do I physically not help her move? Should I be present while she's moving? It's going to be a rough day either way.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I helped my waw move out during our first seperation. I only recommend doing that if you can keep yourself together.
When she finally left after bringing the last load to the car, I fell apart.
I definitely want to avoid that with my WW. I don't think I will fall apart, I will just have Angry Outbursts and be sad afterwards. What is the DB philosophy on this? I think she wants me to help her with the computers as well, in a Detached mode, should I do so?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Today I gave her a check for what I felt was the community portion of the last balance of a credit card we shared (but she is the account holder). I excluded what I felt was her expenses and paid only what was incurred for the family. She started to question my calculations but I told her that's what I thought was fair and walked away. It did feel good to be assertive in these types of matters. I have noticed throughout the weekend that she is very disrespectful of me. When I try to give guidance to S about sports, school, or other life lessons, she interrupts me and interjects her own opinions which are frequently factually incorrect. I have in the past told her to respect me and let me finish my thoughts. I believe she developed this pattern of disrespecting me as a defense mechanism since she is insecure about herself. How do I work around this while staying Detached? I don't want to get into a fight with her.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I helped my waw move out during our first seperation. I only recommend doing that if you can keep yourself together.
When she finally left after bringing the last load to the car, I fell apart.
I definitely want to avoid that with my WW. I don't think I will fall apart, I will just have Angry Outbursts and be sad afterwards. What is the DB philosophy on this? I think she wants me to help her with the computers as well, in a Detached mode, should I do so?
If you got fired from your job, would you go running errands and stuff for your boss? Well, I got news for you buddy, you just got fired by your wife... You don't have to be a dick about it, you can politely decline if asked...
If you got fired from your job, would you go running errands and stuff for your boss? Well, I got news for you buddy, you just got fired by your wife... You don't have to be a dick about it, you can politely decline if asked... [/quote]
In my case, I wanted her last memory of me to be a good one. I helped her pack, told her I hoped she found what she was looking for, closed the door behind her, and went stone cold no contact for months.
In my case, I wanted her last memory of me to be a good one. I helped her pack, told her I hoped she found what she was looking for, closed the door behind her, and went stone cold no contact for months.
Was that the first time she left you? What was the impact of helping her that one last time? Looking back, would you do it again?
It's also very different with a child involved.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
