Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

S8 had his belated birthday party today at an arcade, so I invited Mr. Fantastic. S10 spent the whole party with his dad (S8 nearly none). Tonight when I put the boys to bed, S10 started crying and asked me to stay with him. Then he told me he's been really, really sad since before Christmas, sometimes even crying at night, over me and his dad splitting up.

I had to think really carefully about how I responded to him. I asked if my dating made it worse and he said no, that he just really wants more time with his dad. This I can't do anything about, and S10 has already pulled on the big boy boxers to ask his dad for more time together and he's been turned down. Personally I can't fathom even saying no to my child for more time together with him, let alone doing it without any explanation or sympathy, which is my understanding of how that message was delivered, but there's not much I can do about that.

I told S10 that I was sad that he was sad and that if I could make it better I would. I did not throw his dad under the bus at all. I said that there are some things that will just always hurt and we had to learn ways to live with them anyway. Then I asked him to list all the things that are good in his life, and I told him that how life works is that we have the things that make us sad or angry so that we can recognize the things that make us smile and laugh when they come along too.

That felt so insufficient. But I didn't know what else to say about a hurt I can't heal.

I told him how much I love him and that he's stuck with me. I said "Even when you're a teenager and you stomp your feet and tell me that you can't wait to move out, I'll still love you and you'll still be stuck with me." He laughed and said, "I'll never say that."

I think I handled that as well as it can be handled. There is nothing to be done. He is sad. His dad is letting him down and that will not be cured. It is a wound my children will bear for life. All I can hope to do is teach them resilience and hope that I'm the kind of parent who mitigates things for them as well as I possibly can.

D12 told me tonight that she HATES Mr. Fantastic's GF. She couldn't explain why. I don't know what to do with that, especially since she said she really likes New Guy. It's not a competition.

Also at the party today Mr. F was trying to be friendly and chatty with me. I avoided him as much as I politely could. I don't know why he does that. It's like if I'm not spitting nails at him he thinks I want anything to do with him. I don't. Back off. I'll be polite but I don't want him to know anything more about me than he needs to for the sake of the kids.

That's all for tonight. I feel sad for my baby boy. I hope I can help him grow through this.