Rednail: the high road

[Vanilla]

I have to see him tomorrow because he is SUPPOSE to give me my half the income tax money and then watch the kids.

Get the cash- sounds like a plan.

Yes he is already mad at me for going NC on him and not talking to him today. Why does it matter. He does it to me ALL THE TIME.

Yes, but now you know his game.

I already know if he threatens for sole custody he can never get it BECAUSE of his job.

Its an empty threat.

They are required to work overtime and work 12 hr shifts days and nights rotating and he can work 5-6 days overnights in a row.

My L said no judge would ever give him full custody because the kids would be in daycare 7 days a week and who would watch them overnight?

As soon as (if) he gives me income tax money I will be opening my own account and using that money to start paying my L.

Horrah!

He said if I can give him 1500$ he could prob make H pay the other 2-3000$.

Yes.

I should be able to get a cna job by the end of march. I am working very hard to get the job.

That sounds good.

I do not plan on telling H where I work or my hours. Only days he has the kids or when we need to coordinate I will say okay pick them up from daycare or whatever.

Yes

I am really confused with myself on why I want him back and so in love with him.

Consider stockholm syndrome.

Is it because I have been with him since I'm 17?

Is it because I feel like no man will want a divorced 24 yr old with stretch marks and 2 kids?

Fear is part of it, comfort zone and famiiarity.

Is it because I am used to him controlling me?

Its familiar, you have been conditioned to the control.

Is it because I truly love him and want to make my M work no matter what?

Possibly fear of failure.

Is it because he is the father of my kids?

Yes of course, its love the kids love the dad. Its called the halo effect.

Is it because my dad left my mom and us kids and it was so hard on me that I cant bare to go through that again?

This is a complex FOO issue that we can discuss another time.

Is it because I'm scared of having to be alone?

Yes, all breakups trigger this one.

Is it because seeing him happy with someone else and having someone else play mommy with my kids will hurt?

Hmmmmmm, I doubt this OW will stick around if he has no cash. One reason for getting the best D settlement you can. This OW may not be around for long. This going to drive you crazy if you picture this, so please STOP.

I do not know anymore.

Rest and let it marinade, you have time.

After my awakeing of how controlling he is right now and KNOWING it will get worse I feel..different.

I have not cried since realizing that. I havent smiled. I have just been not empty..but not peaceful..just kinda.. I don't know. Blah. I don't feel hurt or happy. I know I have a fever too now.

This is what being detached feels like! Unfamiliar.

Your body is beginning to heal and generating heat. Extreme care, super nutrition and rest.

Side note I have lost 35 lbs now I weighed myself on my moms scale. 10 lbs and I HAVE LOST 100 lbs.

Whey hey. I will raise a toast to that. Amazing achievement.

So, so proud of you

I have stayed up to post to you through this spell break. This old girl needs some beauty sleep. Catch up tomorrow.

Big hugs

V