Staying the Course Pt. II

[HopeRB]

broke, thanks for continued support. It's the hardest thing to encourage myself daily in the direction of my future, whatever that is. And you're right, it's the saddest thing to know how you can fix a problem and not have the opportunity to do it. Its the worst feeling a person can have! Meanwhile, I wish I had a way to interact with H so he can see his new and improved W.

[Thornton]

It's tough huh?

I'm NC with WAW right now and I wonder the same thing.

Today I'm feeling a little different though. Like I know I'll be ok without her and I'll find the person I'm meant to be with.

I'm sure that will change in the next 30 minutes and I'll be pining away for her and beating myself up for my failures in the relationship.

I look at all the DBer's and I see a group of people that are trying their hearts out. Surely we deserve happiness, we are givers and willing to own our mistakes.

I'm proud to be a part of such a great group of people. And I think, in time, we will be rewarded with a loving partner that is willing to put as much energy into a relationship with us as we are willing to do for them.

Hope, you are awesome. Don't ever forget that. If H can't see that, he's blind and will regret it one day.

[HopeRB]

Me too, Thornton. I wish H would regret his actions sooner than later. Is it too late at this point? Should I just stop hoping?

[broke]

Hope,

I ask myself the same questions all the time. Is it too late? Should I stop hoping? Sometimes I WISH I could just flip a switch to stop hoping. I would love the pain to stop. But, I was with my H for 25 years, so my counselor reminds me that while I may be able to turn off my brain I won't be able to turn off my heart for a while. So I'm going to keep detaching and working on myself leaving the door open a crack.

My IC also said that it was obvious that I was very "attached" to my H and our M. Sounds like you are the same, Hope. The bad news is that means it will take a while to detach. The good news is that usually means that we will attach again.

I'm sorry you still haven't had any interaction. Stay strong.

[HopeRB]

Yes, it would be nice to turn it off. OR maybe not, I don't know. I'm so in love with H., well not this particular H but you get it.

Wondering if I should stick my toe in the water and say hi and ask how he's doing. What do you all think?

[HopeRB]

I feel the more dark I am, the more H is able to remove himself from our life and our M and feel better about starting his new life.

[Rednail]

I'm probably not in a good emotional state to give advice but id say no do not so it.

I feel like I have the same thinking of the more dark I am the more he removes himself. But i had my h loving on me while having an A so maybe staying no contact is best.

Either way [censored] but I think it is to help us detach from that person

[HopeRB]

Thanks for chiming in Rednail. When H was on the fence btwn me and OW, at least he was giving me the time of day. I get nothing now. I just want him to initiate, interact. Like, I don't get anything from him. I'm just this person from his past. Db coach always says to not let more than 2 weeks pass before I dip toe in b/c my goal is to get him to initiate communication. But if he doesn't respond, than to go darker for longer. Which is what I'm doing now. Ugh.

Anyone know of any users who's stories mirror mine that I can read for direction or guidance? I feel like most people here at least have some sort of interaction b/c of the kids.

[HopeRB]

Also just came across this on another thread and wondering if anyone has any insight in addition to my other questions. I've always felt/thought that detaching and giving up were the same thing. Is this true? Is detaching and going dark giving up on my M and H?

[Zues126]

The mistake that most DBers make is they think their feelings are the measuring stick of their sitch. They aren't. It's a game of actions, not feelings.

You will feel how you feel. You don't get to decide how you feel. What you get to decide is what you DO. And if you do the right things, long enough, eventually you will feel better.

So, all of the questions about "should I stand or not", or "should I have hope", or "am I stupid to have feelings for him", "I feel like he'll never change but I'm not sure", etc...none of them matter if they won't change your immediate actions.

And they shouldn't! No one should be making life changing decisions based on their emotions during a meltdown like this. So your actions should be to detach, GAL, 180, take care of yourself, and keep breathing. And to avoid destructive behavior that would burn bridges.

So when you ask what the difference is between detaching and giving up, I look at the actions, and since there is no difference in action, I say there is no difference between detaching and giving up. But I also look at standing for your M, and since there is no difference in your actions there, I say there is no difference between detaching and standing for your M. In fact, there is no difference between standing and giving up either, unless you change your actions as a result and go down a bridge burning destructive road.

So my advice is to give up on your marriage while you keep standing for it and do both while detaching