the road goes ever on and on...

[Zues126]

Hi Sunny and DB gang. Sunny, like you I don't have much to update, not much DB related but here's what's up in my life:

Family. Family is going well. 4 months until I get 50% parental time. I can't wait. Some cool highlights- I am taking my 3 kids to a chess tournament this Saturday. They all know how to play, but only barely, they basically just know the moves. In preparation I taught them a little about etiquette (so they know to say 'play well', and shake hands, and compliment the opponent on a 'good game', etc). I knew I didn't have much time to teach them anything much, but I made sure to do some practice checkmating with King + Rook vs. King, just so if they had a winning position they weren't just moving pieces around helplessly. Well, my daughter later played my son a game, got into a winning position, and was able to checkmate him using the technique we'd just practiced. She was concentrating so hard trying to get it right and she nailed it! Anyway, just a fun little moment. Amid some reading, hanging out, homework, and good conversation.

Work: Work's been super hard. The last 3 months have been about as hard as any in my career. February is shaping up to be a 'C' if I had to grade it, but this comes after a 'C', an 'F', and an 'F'. Seasonality was harder than I expected. I'm working an awful lot and am fighting to get back into the mix. Still, I did well overall last year and had a record earning, and think that I'll pull out of it. Just stinks when you're struggling in sales.

Pool: I'm having a ton of fun playing pool. As I mentioned my best friend put on 5 separate pool tournaments and scheduled them bi-weekly around my schedule so I could play all 5. I just played the 3rd event yesterday. I took second to my friend that I go to tournaments with and chop with (split the money). So after 3 tournaments I've taken two 2nds and a 1st, and my buddy has taken two 1sts and a 2nd. He plays just amazing. I am inspired by him and he is about the only player in my state or even region that really plays a level above me. I can keep up for a while, but man, he is good. He inspires me to want to get even better, so I can't wait until summer when I upgrade to a rental house and get something that fits a 9 foot pool table. I LOVE being able to just hit balls and work on my game.

Divorce related: Had two events last week that involved XW. First was my D8's school performance. I showed up and XW was there with OM. First time I'd seen him. This is a more recent OM, maybe 3-6 months now. Anyway, my primary feeling has faded from anger to disgust. XW isn't a terrible person, and I'm sure he's not a terrible guy, but I think it's disgusting that people do these things. But beyond that it's their journey. They may make a great couple. Who knows.

Then the next evening I had to file taxes and we both needed to be there. I felt sick before going in. Like a flashback from early post-BD days. Again, just disgust. She said she needed a favor, basically my help getting a document drafted that will help her get some emergency assistance to help get the mortgage caught up. This is disgusting to me as well. XW asked me to leave in Jun-2014, 20 months ago. She said she'd have a job in October 14 when the kids went back to school. That never happened. She hasn't worked a day, lives in the nice house that I bought, and literally spends her time trying to figure out what emergency programs there are to support her. I pay her a TON of money monthly, an absolutely disgusting amount, and she supplements that with government aide. Meanwhile I am literally fighting for my life at work trying to get moved out of an apartment. It was anger, but now it's just disgust. I might make some people mad, but I think it's gross how she can ask me to leave, divorce me, then feel absolutely entitled to a river of money from me because 'but I'm a single mom!', while she's partying it up with a train of guys. After this experience I feel child support/spousal maintenance shouldn't be paid to someone that cheats/walks. If she can't afford to take care of the kids, let me, and she can visit them. OK, that's just how I feel when I see all of this. I get it. The world is the way it is. These laws help many more families than they hurt and all of that. That's fine. But it's enough to make me never want to talk to her again. The whole 'friendship' concept is not happening, I don't need friends like that, and I'm well beyond longing for any relationship with her.

Or anyone? That's kind of where I'm at. I was angry at the world, now I keep coming back to disgusted. I read these forums, I see how people treat each other, and I think "I don't need any of this in my life". I don't open up easily. I am extremely introverted and sensitive. And I just don't want to put myself in the hands of another partner that can do these types of things, the same way I wouldn't trust my $1,200 pool stick to a drunk at a bar.

There's something else to- the whole "GAL", and "find your own happiness", and "NO EXPECTATIONS", etc...well, I've done all of that. I have dropped my expectations of marriage, of the world, and of the people in it. I won't expect my partner to make me happy, or to act the way I think they should...but in lieu of that, I no longer even see the point in partnering with someone. Maybe I've taken these concepts too far, but my idea of marriage these days is almost like pairing up with someone that you expect nothing from that will in turn probably treat you like crap in the end. Hm...I think I like pool better.

I know these are just feelings, so I'm not worried about it. 20 months post BD, 2 months post D, no rush for this guy. I will focus on my kids and my work, and the peace I've found to live my life. I've changed a lot in the last 2 years and I'm confident that in 2 more years I'll feel quite a bit differently.

Anyway, thanks again for checking in. I wish everyone on these boards the best, but you were there when I went through some of the worst of it Sunny and I'll never forget that. Later Gator!