Rednail: the high road

[Rednail]

I had my phone on forward to voicemail. 3 missed cell calls..no idea how many to the house and a : Keep your fu**ing phone charged or stop ignoring my damn calls! In a text. Do I respond with something? I have to see him tomorrow and do not want problems.

I was thinking of- Sorry H, busy busy day out with the kids. Didnt have access to phone charger. They are fine

?

[Vanilla]

Lovely one

Know that you have just had a spell break moment.

This is an important milestone.

Once you know then can never unknow and its very bewildering to be part of it.

I would rather this spell break was other than over the internet. In person would be better so I can give you the biggest hug and let you cry it out. Your healing truly begins today, I internet promise you.

Crying is good, really good, it releases pain.

Also know this, your story may be read by a poster or another lurker and will assist them in their journey.

Breathe, breathe, and sleep well.

Its going to be ok, you will puzzle it out now.

Hugs

V

[Vanilla]

I had my phone on forward to voicemail. 3 missed cell calls..no idea how many to the house and a : Keep your fu**ing phone charged or stop ignoring my damn calls! In a text. Do I respond with something? I have to see him tomorrow and do not want problems.

I was thinking of- Sorry H, busy busy day out with the kids. Didnt have access to phone charger. They are fine

?

Save the abusive text and do not respond.

Find yourself a diary and start listing the calls. Print the texts and attach to a diary page on the day of the event.

Record the abusive messages if they are on an answerphone, if you have a recorder app on your computer just play it back together with the date. Save as an MP3 and forward to your L.

This type of rage is dangerous.

Why do you have to see him? You don't have to do anything ok

Its time for action sweetheart. This is crazy, go get an OOP. First thing.

Find yourself a diary and start listing the calls. Print the texts and attach to a diary page on the day of the event.

Be very careful, appeasing this man is going to fuel his rage.

V

[Vanilla]

I am not working but working towards working. Right now without a job, daycare, etc I would only get 520$ a month for both kids!!! He does not know this or he would leave asap. He can easily pay 500$ and walk away happy.

Working, daycare, etc made it go to 975$ minimum for 2 kids.

I am going to try to not leave the house. My L said it is tricky and I also called the local police station. BECAUSE it is in his name, and pays everything, and we are separated but not really fully UNLESS I have paperwork saying that I have SOLE access ( like legal papers) then it gets sticky on if he can or can not kick me out OR legally what should happen. The police said see a lawyer but even then it is a legal sticky situation. I also have no say on if the OW can or can not come into the house legally according to the police. His house and he technically lives there(over 75% of his items are there along with his mail and license being to the house.) so unless I have sole access there isnt much I can do.

So I will state I do not want to leave and try to get him to take the kids elsewhere. If it turns into a fight I most likely will have to leave and figure that out. I hope I have the women balls to stand up to him tomorrow. I'm very much scared of a fight with him over this. It is giving me anxiety. I'm not a fighter.

I need to look up ways for him to trigger me. I know he knows emotionally if he makes me feel loved I'm very calm, happy and believe him. Not anymore.

I will try to have my steel time.

My mom had her preist come pray and bless me with holy water right now.

The game changes when he is abusive and you have evidence.

Please ensure you have someone with you tomorrow, do not be with this man alone. OK?

Please be safe. Get the Police involved if you need to and please get an order if you are unsafe.

As part of his work he will know how to restrain prisoners.

And 50% of this house or more may be yours.

Speak to your L.

He is going to get angry any way whatever you do.

V

[broke]

Red,

You absolutely do have the strength to do this! It is going to be hard, but you can do it. You have everyone in your corner on this board. I agree with all the wonderful advice that Vanilla is giving you. He is going to use money as a way to control you and probably threaten about trying for sole custody to manipulate you, too. Do not fall for any of it - just record what he says or write it down and give it to your L. Make sure you do everything that V says about recording texts, printing them out and keeping a log.

I want you to get a safety deposit box and a P.O. Box for you to keep things and to safely get mail that he shouldn't see. I wish you had some money to open your own checking account but that will have to come later. Can you look at working at a daycare facility where your kids can also attend for free or reduced cost?

I know it all seems overwhelming right now. There are lots of decisions to be made but don't panic because you have time. Really the only important thing to do right now is keep yourself and your kids safe. xoxo

[Rednail]

I have to see him tomorrow because he is SUPPOSE to give me my half the income tax money and then watch the kids.

Yes he is already mad at me for going NC on him and not talking to him today. Why does it matter. He does it to me ALL THE TIME.

I already know if he threatens for sole custody he can never get it BECAUSE of his job.

They are required to work overtime and work 12 hr shifts days and nights rotating and he can work 5-6 days overnights in a row.

My L said no judge would ever give him full custody because the kids would be in daycare 7 days a week and who would watch them overnight?

As soon as (if) he gives me income tax money I will be opening my own account and using that money to start paying my L.

He said if I can give him 1500$ he could prob make H pay the other 2-3000$.

I should be able to get a cna job by the end of march. I am working very hard to get the job.

I do not plan on telling H where I work or my hours. Only days he has the kids or when we need to coordinate I will say okay pick them up from daycare or whatever.

I am really confused with myself on why I want him back and so in love with him.

Is it because I have been with him since I'm 17?

Is it because I feel like no man will want a divorced 24 yr old with stretch marks and 2 kids?

Is it because I am used to him controlling me?

Is it because I truly love him and want to make my M work no matter what?

Is it because he is the father of my kids?

Is it because my dad left my mom and us kids and it was so hard on me that I cant bare to go through that again?

Is it because I'm scared of having to be alone?

Is it because seeing him happy with someone else and having someone else play mommy with my kids will hurt?

I do not know anymore.
After my awakeing of how controlling he is right now and KNOWING it will get worse I feel..different.

I have not cried since realizing that. I havent smiled. I have just been not empty..but not peaceful..just kinda.. I don't know. Blah. I don't feel hurt or happy. I know I have a fever too now.

Side note I have lost 35 lbs now I weighed myself on my moms scale. 10 lbs and I HAVE LOST 100 lbs.

[Thornton]

Red,

There are plenty of men that would want a woman like you. You are not broken. You are a great person, your feelings are lying to you.

Your self esteem has taken a blow, you will heal from this. Your husband's decision to cheat is not your fault. It is a result of his character.

Your husband is an idiot and he will regret this one day.

[Vanilla]

from TimR accidentally posted on my thread

I do not know how it is done in your state, but here an offer like that can be put into a Stipulated Order that way if he does not follow it he can be held in contempt of court and would have to pay your attorney fees for your lawyer to enforce the Order. Here we also have alimony pending litigation which could pay your attorney fees and give you support. The idea is you are both on equal financial footing during the D. Maybe ask your lawyer about it when you talk further about the offer.

v

[Rednail]

I will look into that. Thank you V and Tim R.

Tried sleeping but imagines flood my brain. By the end of this ill be addicted to sleeping meds =/

[Vanilla]

I have to see him tomorrow because he is SUPPOSE to give me my half the income tax money and then watch the kids.

Get the cash- sounds like a plan.

Yes he is already mad at me for going NC on him and not talking to him today. Why does it matter. He does it to me ALL THE TIME.

Yes, but now you know his game.

I already know if he threatens for sole custody he can never get it BECAUSE of his job.

Its an empty threat.

They are required to work overtime and work 12 hr shifts days and nights rotating and he can work 5-6 days overnights in a row.

My L said no judge would ever give him full custody because the kids would be in daycare 7 days a week and who would watch them overnight?

As soon as (if) he gives me income tax money I will be opening my own account and using that money to start paying my L.

Horrah!

He said if I can give him 1500$ he could prob make H pay the other 2-3000$.

Yes.

I should be able to get a cna job by the end of march. I am working very hard to get the job.

That sounds good.

I do not plan on telling H where I work or my hours. Only days he has the kids or when we need to coordinate I will say okay pick them up from daycare or whatever.

Yes

I am really confused with myself on why I want him back and so in love with him.

Consider stockholm syndrome.

Is it because I have been with him since I'm 17?

Is it because I feel like no man will want a divorced 24 yr old with stretch marks and 2 kids?

Fear is part of it, comfort zone and famiiarity.

Is it because I am used to him controlling me?

Its familiar, you have been conditioned to the control.

Is it because I truly love him and want to make my M work no matter what?

Possibly fear of failure.

Is it because he is the father of my kids?

Yes of course, its love the kids love the dad. Its called the halo effect.

Is it because my dad left my mom and us kids and it was so hard on me that I cant bare to go through that again?

This is a complex FOO issue that we can discuss another time.

Is it because I'm scared of having to be alone?

Yes, all breakups trigger this one.

Is it because seeing him happy with someone else and having someone else play mommy with my kids will hurt?

Hmmmmmm, I doubt this OW will stick around if he has no cash. One reason for getting the best D settlement you can. This OW may not be around for long. This going to drive you crazy if you picture this, so please STOP.

I do not know anymore.

Rest and let it marinade, you have time.

After my awakeing of how controlling he is right now and KNOWING it will get worse I feel..different.

I have not cried since realizing that. I havent smiled. I have just been not empty..but not peaceful..just kinda.. I don't know. Blah. I don't feel hurt or happy. I know I have a fever too now.

This is what being detached feels like! Unfamiliar.

Your body is beginning to heal and generating heat. Extreme care, super nutrition and rest.

Side note I have lost 35 lbs now I weighed myself on my moms scale. 10 lbs and I HAVE LOST 100 lbs.

Whey hey. I will raise a toast to that. Amazing achievement.

So, so proud of you

I have stayed up to post to you through this spell break. This old girl needs some beauty sleep. Catch up tomorrow.

Big hugs

V