Help!

[Vanilla]

OK= I think some mix ups about detaching and engagement. They are completely different things. Unrelated and they are not opposing strategies.

You can do both at the same time.

Detaching

Wonka has a thread on this I recommend it and it is in Cadets opening links. Detaching is for you and your feelings. It isn't being unattached to your WW. It is about attaching to yourself. Attaching to your feelings. You can still stand and you stand on your own two feet watching WW dash around like an out of control speedboat without concern.

It is letting go of the outcome, doing that which works to achieve your outcome. Its about you. So its fine if WW pays for your son and fine if she doesn't. You are doing that which works for you irrespective of WW, its the right thing. It is as if your emotions were tied to WW like being pulled behind WW emotional speed boat. WW is all over and you are dragged behind. Instead you are now on a surf board with your own destiny.

Engagement

is interaction with your WW. On your terms and in your way with detachment, ie irrespective of the outcome the engagement is on your terms..

Some sitches require friendship to repair others require NC. It very much depends on your sitch at a given time. Its up to you to determine which one is appropriate. My sitch is an abuse one and requires NC, in others NC would be more of the same damaging lack of interaction. For instance if for years the engagement was mono syllabic on your part then more of the same wont help you.

Engagement isn't appeasing nor punishing, it is insisting with a WW on being truly respected. It isn't game playing but open and honest communication. Authentic enforcement of your boundaries and strength for an LBS.

Do that which works.

Letting go

this is an interactive dynamic. Imaging two people pulling on a rope in opposite directions over a deep well of destruction. Then one or other or both may fall into the well. If one lets go there is no pulling and neither falls in the well. This can include a STFU response on occasions or simply setting boundaries. It can also be taking the higher ground and holding it. It is a strong non petty position. Seeing the big picture.

This isn't being unattached either. It can include the lighthouse stance and the Picnic by the Castle.

Moving on

This is not giving up either or being over, but emotionally saying I have things I need to do and places I need to go. I am no longer holding back on my life. I think this can include LRT. Neither is it giving up or being done.

Moving forward

making progress on your goals in all areas and observing how this affects your R.

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that's the way I see it, if a VET would care to correct me if I am off beam.

V