Yesterday's gone. Tomorrows not here... (3)

[broke]

I would be cautiously optimistic I guess. I think it is positive that she isn't happy either when she thought she would be. Obviously, she is confused. I agree that you shouldn't get excited because you know that makes it harder when it doesn't work out the way you wanted to (like my lunch today :-). I think the DR book says not to get too excited the first time they seem to come back because it could scare them off or it may take multiple times for them to come to the conclusion that is what they want. I am really proud of you for validating, not talking about the R or M and getting off the phone. I hope it goes in the direction you want it to but, in the meantime, I think you did exactly what you should have.

[pinn]

bumping my thread to see if I can get of the vets reactions...

I have been thinking about the phone convo from earlier a bit. It is the first one in 7 months by the way. There may have even been a mumbled 'i love you' at the end but not sure on that. Anyway, here are my thoughts.

1. I do not think this was just a temp check. She was not saying anything to get a reaction from me. She was nit saying anything overly positive either. Everything was focused on her and what she is feeling. She was legitimately crying. Maybe a vet would think differently on whether this was a temp check or not?

2. Her life seems to be a mess. She is not happy. She is really seeing what life is like on the other side. She lost all her friends. Her best friend moved pretty far away and she said that she never sees her anymore.

3. She showed some small specs of remorse. She said things like, she wishes she tried harder. She wishes we went and saw someone like I suggested (that would have been a disaster at that time though!).

4. She seems to really listen to her therapist. Her therapist told her to not to contact me for the first few months after she moved out, she questioned whether that was the right move or not. Not sure if this therapist is a good thing or not.

So I don't know. This is another one of my 'sign posts' that she has hit. I have no expectations though. Right before she moved out, one night she was 'so confused', the next day everything was clear as day again so I know things change on a dime.

I do think I should probably shoot her a text tomorrow to see how she is doing.

[Thornton]

I don't think you should text her Pinn. She's on the hook. Give it some time. She's definitely thinking about things. Don't scare off the squirell.

[broke]

I agree with Thornton. But, I am not a veteran, so I hope you get some more advice from others....good luck!

[pinn]

Thanks broke and thor. Normally, I would agree. I have been pretty anti contact through my entire situation. This time it feels different though. hmph... maybe this is were a coach would be best.

[otw]

Pinn
I will go against the grain here. We kept things really short last time she reached out. She is showing signs of temp checking even though you dont think she is. She is waiting to see how you respond.
but
in saying that I think maybe a response this time is ok.

It needs to be crafted well and very careful.

what are you thinking about saying?

Lets work on it.

[pinn]

Thanks otw. I was just going to see how she is doing today. I have to contact her about the tax stuff in the next few days or she'll contact me first, but there will be contact then anyway. There just seemed to be some serious mental issues going on yesterday.

What signs of temp checking do you see? If it was someone else's situation I would probably have a clearer mind and be able to see better. If this is just a temp check then, yea I have to be very careful.

[otw]

Anytime she comes forward and starts talking about the whole situation they are looking to see how we will respond. Many people would probably immediately get into the talk and respond how they feel as well and want things to be better with them etc..

you did well from what you wrote that you just validated.

If it wasnt really a temp check she would have probably showed more than what you thought was a little remorse. I would be looking for an apology and her saying she wants to work on the relationship now, not that she wishes she would have tried harder. Who knows if she is still willing.

I know you can say well maybe she is looking for an opportunity to go further in what she says. I get it, and also believe my W would be the same way and never let her pride say she wants to try and would have to be led, but i dont think you are there yet. we need a little more out her in my opinion.

So maybe the response on the tax stuff, then add in that she hope she is feeling better today. I am not sure about this part but let her know if she needs to vent you may be available later. That last part may be too much and pursuing, but might be ok. You will have to make her feel somewhat safe to open up more if she really wants to.
i think if this draws her out then we can see about the next interaction.

think of it this way, I know you heard the analogy of walking along together and she was in front of you and you kept chasing her, everyone says we need to stop and see if she looks back, well i think she is looking back. if you start walking again she will prob start as well. We need her to start walking back while you are still first.

Now this is strictly my thinking, I have thought about this alot as I hope for the opportunity some day, As I said i have had small pieces but never anything developed and I believe my W may not ever even if she does feel it because she will feel foolish about what she did and wont backtrack to not look bad.

let me know what you think.

[pinn]

Thanks again otw... you are really helping me keep my head on straight.

I def did not engage in R talk during that call, nothing even close. I think I did good there honestly. But, at the same time, she definitely did not hint at wanting to work on anything at the moment. The talk was mainly focused on how bad her life is. Looking back, mainly at that text, I don't really take that as positive, I think I mentioned that at the time. Like you said 'I wish' does not really mean much... I am pretty sure she said she wished we did this or that at BD. The main positive in there was that she said "i miss life with you". You could actually read that text and say she is laying the ground work for moving forward with D honestly.

I felt more positive about the call.... but again there really was nothing in there even suggesting that she is having a change of heart. The main thing you can say from that call is that her life has not improved since she left, she is still unhappy, maybe more so now. But I can't dwell on this. At least communication is improving and she showed a desire to see me.

My W is prideful and that could be an issue. She also cares a bunch about what other people think. So she would push back reconciling because if she thought my family and friends hate her (trust me, it took forever for her to get over this the last time).

So what to do, what to do.... I think I will wait and send her a text tomorrow about the tax stuff, and say that I hope that last few days have been better. I will say that she can either drop the forms in my car at her work or we can meet somewhere sometime. Then I'll go from there.

The reason for the meet somewhere sometime proposal is because her initial suggestions was to actually drop them off at my house next weekend. I know this is not the smart move, so I shot that down. But if she wants to meet somewhere else I am OK with that. The phone convo has boosted my confidence in being able to maintain my DB'ing in a face to face meeting. I wouldn't have expectations in either option she chooses, I really do not even care either way. Since she already reached out to meet, I think this is OK to go this route.

I don't know where this will go to.... but we will find out!

[otw]

I think the offer to meetings fine. Sounds like you have a good plan.