I hear you, MB. It's so hard to just GAL and move forward when our lives seem like a parallel universe to what we want. We want our spouses, to hold their hands and put our head on their shoulders and just be loved. And to get that (maybe) we have to move as far away as possible. Makes no sense.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I think your IC is frustrated with your codependency, us codependents will talk about the other person until we're blue in the face and never mention ourselves. How can we fix ourselves if we know more about the other person than ourselves?
The thing is, I DO talk about H when at my IC sessions, but that's because my marriage is what I'm having a hard time with! I talk to him about H, I tell him that I'm stuck and don't know how to move on, or that I don't know what to do, or whatever...and I would expect that he would give me advice or help me find a way to distract myself, or how to move on my myself. Something. Help me in some way. But, all I get is that he sits there and listens to me, gets frustrated, and then tells me that I need to move on and forget about him. Okay, GREAT! What I need to know is HOW to do that! Wouldn't you think he'd have at least ONE suggestion on how I can accomplish that?
Sorry, I guess I'm just venting here!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I think IC is for helping us understand us. I would not appreciate anyone telling me to move on and just forget. How would it be if you talked with the IC about what you want in your life and maybe he can help you with a strategy for that. Leave the M repair to us.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm sorry to say that not all counselors/therapists are created equal. It sounds like you are looking for some solution focused suggestions. Would it be nice to have a conversation regarding what to do differently rather than talking in circles?
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I haven't been on much lately. I've been working, then just not really feeling like dealing with all of this lately. I guess I've just been really frustrated with everything, but I'm trying to stay on course. I go to IC appointment tomorrow. Already dreading it. Will have to try really hard not to bring H up again. Don't want to get the speech about how I'm wasting my money and both of our time on that subject.
Nothing is new around here. Still NC with H. I guess I had a set back last week when OW came to talk to me. I had stopped doing some things, was GALing more, and started to detach and let go even if only a little. Since the visit with OW I can't get H off my mind. Still bothered by the things that she said and trying to figure out her motives, although I KNOW it doesn't matter what her motives were. It is over and I can't change anything so there's no point in dwelling on it. But, I just can't seem to let it go. Since then, I believe that H and OW are no longer talking. That knowledge is what I believe caused my biggest setback. I found myself having expectations even though I KNOW that I'm not supposed to expect anything. I am not a mindreader. I have no idea what he is thinking. I know I can't make him DO anything. But still, I guess I was really hoping that he would then call me, come by, text, or somehow reach out to me. He hasn't and it upsets me. I have found myself looking around for him like he's suddenly going to show up, but he never does. I know my expectations are unrealistic and they are just my hopes and fantasies of what could happen, but somehow knowing that doesn't make it any easier to stop thinking it or wishing for it to happen. That is SO much the opposite of detaching!!! What I have discovered to be true... Expectations lead to frustration and disappointment which only makes me feel more sad, lonely, depressed and completely miserable than I did before. I truly wish she had never contacted me! Oh, yea, let's not forget the constant fear that I now have that H is probably never going to speak to me again because he will blame me for whatever happened between them. I guess it would be difficult for him to contact me if he's not going to speak to me. UGH! What have I done? There is really no way to fix this.
I guess I'm back to the drawing board on the GAL activities. I really do need to get out and get my mind off of everything that's going on. I feel so much better when my mind is occupied instead of sitting around dwelling on everything. It seems that my friends have all decided that I should be fine by now so no one is ever available to go anywhere with as they are all busy with their spouses. I tried to get rain to move here to GAL with me, but she declined. And, there's no way NY is moving away from W. I still walk a lot and last night my D said that she will start going to the gym with me to take some group classes. They even have a line dancing class. I also go over to friend's house and play cards, go for long drives, go out to eat sometimes with a friend, and I go to any bday parties or get togethers that my friends have. They're finally getting used to seeing me actually show up after years of not being able to go. Anyone have any GAL activities that they don't mind doing alone? I could use some more suggestions. I checked on divorce/separation classes but they don't start up again until Sept. I also checked on taking some classes at the college, but they're in the middle of the semester so that also has to wait. I'm talking about FUN classes like cake decorating, photography, etc.
Okay, I guess that's enough of my rambling. I really would appreciate any input on my situation or GAL ideas. I think I'm going to catch up on some of the threads on here, then go for a walk. I hope everyone is having a great day.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Someone that knows H told me. I guess they thought I already knew.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Those expectations will kill ya. I had some expectations as well. I thought because W hadn't moved her stuff out of our house in a month, that maybe she was leaving it there because she was doubting her decision to leave.
I stopped by the house yesterday, and her D8's room was completely empty. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach by a mule. Last night I was a mess. Lesson learned.
Im getting some great advice on my thread about working on me. You should check it out.
In the meantime, you are still early on in your sitch. Try your best to worry about you for the time being. H hasn't forgotten about you after 11 years together. Clearly he has a ton of issues that he's dealing with.
I also go over to friend's house and play cards, go for long drives, go out to eat sometimes with a friend, and I go to any bday parties or get togethers that my friends have. They're finally getting used to seeing me actually show up after years of not being able to go. Anyone have any GAL activities that they don't mind doing alone? I could use some more suggestions. I checked on divorce/separation classes but they don't start up again until Sept. I also checked on taking some classes at the college, but they're in the middle of the semester so that also has to wait. I'm talking about FUN classes like cake decorating, photography, etc.