Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

I feel like I ought to write an update but I'm not sure what to say. New Guy is really good. I am wanted by someone who is gentle with me but firm, open, and likable. D12 likes him, the boys are neutral. They have had very, very limited interaction (by my design). My friends really like him. He's helpful. He's planning time together. I'm still worried the other shoe is going to drop, but less. I love how slowly he's taking things... And then in other ways he takes us for granted as a couple, though that's also terrifying. I'm not sure I'm ready to be part of A Couple, and yet how we are together we definitely are. Neither of us wants to give the other one up, so there you go.

I tried to explain my trust issues to him last night and I hurt his feelings, so I had to explain more thoroughly. Because these are not his issues I think it was hard for him to hear. I hope it's ok. I do not want to hurt him. I have been working really hard to be who I am with him, but a lot of the time it's like walking through the woods in the dark. Sometimes I wonder why he sticks around. But then again he's making plans for us for August and that's so far off relative to how long we've been together that it makes me nervous too.

I've been working on improving my relationship with my mother, mostly by trying to give her what she wants. I'm not finding a break there. She's terribly insensitive, which is frustrating because she takes every little thing so personally herself. We had a really good conversation on Friday and then at the end she said "You aren't still screaming at everyone, are you?" -- referencing how upset I was when Mr. Fantastic first left me. (My parents thought my behavior was horrible and didn't take my shock, fear, and misery as any kind of an excuse at all; nor did they try to soothe me.) They were here in September and I wasn't then so I don't know why she had to say that (she did a lot of screaming at me though...) Sometimes I wonder why she always feels the need to twist the knife on me. Why couldn't she just have said "I'm glad you're happy again," and just let me be? I do not know how to navigate that relationship in a way that doesn't leave either me or her feeling frustrated and resentful. New Guy says I should just know I can't turn to her for support, but that interaction showed she's not safe when I'm happy either. My parents are coming to stay for a week in March so I'm a little anxious about that.

I'm in a good place right now but I'm also very much finding my way. I'm moving forward on the career front and excited about that! I think I'm just where I'm meant to be. Finally.