Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

Guess I just want to write for a minute so that I say it to ya'll instead of sending it to him.

I've done a lot of thinking and self discovery. I don't know if it's the antidepressants kicking in or what but I'm starting to feel like a fog is lifting. I'm starting to see how not awesome I've been lately. I didn't treat you like you really deserved to be treated. I can give you a list of all of the things I know I did wrong and how I'm working on not being that person. But you don't want to hear it. You already have that list in your mind. You've already found me guilty of those crimes. So I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because that's not who *I* want to be.
I can also give you a list of all of our great accomplishments, all of the wonderful moments we've had in our lives together. But you don't want to hear that either. That list would mean nothing to you, for again, you've already deemed the bad outweighs the good. But that's the list Ill hold onto. That's the list that is making my heart hurt so much right now.
We're both imperfect. And we've both got a lot of growing still to do. And regardless of how this has ended, how poorly we both handled it, I just want to thank you for being there for me along the way. The last 8 years have been the best and worst of my life. Because of the support I've gotten from you and my family and friends, I'll be a doctor in 3 months. An honest to goodness doctor, saving lives, just like we always wanted. And I didn't do that alone. I did that with your support and love. At now, I"m doing it despite you. Despite the pain you've caused by not talking to me about our problems. I supported you through your darkest days and I did that because I loved you with all of my heart. Somewhere along the way, we lost sight of Us, but we also lost sight of ourselves. We stopped calling each other out when we were being assholes. I guess we lost our common enemy and it wasn't us against the world, it was you against me. I can see it all now, but I couldn't see it through the fog back then.

I don't know where we go from here. I don't know if we're too broken and too far gone to fix. The I don't know's always used to kill me but I guess now I see them as almost a price I have to pay for not paying more attention. The only thing I do know is what we used to have, and I"m starting to understand what we have now. I'm starting to be ready to see what the future brings, with or without you. I know it's time for something to change. And change is scary and hurts and can lead to either a great new beginning or lead off into darkness. I always wanted to brave that change with you by my side, us against the world. I'm sorry I lost sight of that. I'm sorry you did too. I hope we both find the future's we're hoping for. When you reach for the moon, even if you don't quite reach it, you're still among the stars.