Hey guys, Really hard day today. Having my boys yesterday brought the house alive and today it took a dive. Been keeping myself as busy as tiredness allows but i'm having the same night time dreams and day dreams, and it is always me confronting ex in some way. 'How could you do this to us, I loved you ! ' etc Today has been surreal. I keep expecting her car to pull up on the gravel drive and to hear the boys running in. it is weird. I wonder if anyone else has that ' is this really happening' days ? The only thing I can liken it to is an amputee still feeling a lost limb. i'm in limbo at the moment, caught between fighting to see my boys, pressing on with the financial settlement (in UK is a Form 'E'), trying to juggle the continuous demands and debts and trying to protect whats left of the home. (in UK I cannot change locks or prevent her from accessing the home so she could technically come in and take everything that's left.) It is compounding my contempt and hatred at the moment but I cannot help but wonder if this stranger I once knew as my wife is temporary or is it just the new her ? we all change, this is who she is now. Did I turn her into this person ? Was I not doing enough ? I find it hard to level with how utterly different this person who looks like my ex wife is. I sent an envelope back with my boys gear, it was stuffed with all the silly little love notes and doodles from our last 15 years. I wrote on the envelope.. 'i didn't have the heart to throw this away (yep I kept them all) but am sure you will do something with it'
I'm not sure if giving her my last relatiopnship connection with her is detachment or not but that's it. Nothing of her remains in the house. There are of course reminders but no books, DVDs, pictures, photos etc remain. Just me and my boys. It's a very very odd feeling. ex and I right now have an overly polite very short communication regarding access to the boys and that is it. Thoughts like... 'nothing is forever' keep crossing my mind, reflecting of course on the fact the marriage didn't last. But then if nothing is forever, I guess this too really will pass. I'd sure as hell like to know how long it will last as it is getting tougher and tougher to fake it til I make it. I live in hope that reality will hit her, but what then ? I don't want a r with her anymore. does that mean I didn't believe in my M if it only takes 8 months to fall out of love ? am I broken too ?
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
