I'M POSTING! I'M POSTING! Kind of like the guy with the lawnmower in the Geico ads - I'm pushing, I'm pushing real hard!
Yes, new management job is really exciting. I'm stressed, but a different stress. Small used car lot, 2 vet sales guys who were running the deal almost by themselves, and now enjoying a hungry sales guy (ME!) who wants to just sling some metal and make some money. They seem to be happy, and so am I.
On the W front - just the opposite. My tardy valentine's day gift to her was a wall hanging for her admin job she moved to. It's the wall hanging she really wanted. The first thing out of her mouth was 'You know this is like having permanent flowers in my office, right?' When she got promoted, I had flowers delivered. She was in the affair big then, and couldn't even look at them. That statement got me puzzled, and a bit hurt, but told her we could send it back if she wanted... or I could take it to work if she couldn't stand to look at it, since to her it reminds her of me, and she still hates me right now.
Later on Wed. night I did log into her Facebook - still had her login, the only one left. She has cut me out of her phone and email. Didn't find anything, so logged off and went to bed. The first thing she asked me the next morning was if I had logged in at 11PM - I told her yes, since I had the login, and was just checking up, but didn't find anything. She then proceeds to tell me... yep, she's back to texting OM again.
So Sandi - you were right! Her depression/struggle with withdrawls put her back in touch with OM. I guess that missed call on valentine's day wasn't just a 'blip' on the radar.
She, of course, started spewing, covering her tracks, saying the divorce is back on, she's in full-on love with him, and can't ever imagine being with me anymore. That it's finally done, and the divorce is moving forward.
I can't remember what I said, but something along the lines of 'ok', and then followed up with 'when are you going to move out then?'... to which she said she's never moving out, and when am I?
Very hardened, very confused, very angry, very depressed wife.
It's hard to watch. I'm in a place, without the porn, walking with God, a new job, and secure in my life and manhood that I see what she's doing for what it is... a patch of her life she'll probably regret, and a patch of her life she'll never get back.
I really don't know what to do except go dark, which I have. I have hardly said a word to her in the last 2 days. Got home today and she was already upstairs, the kids doing whatever, and no idea what she's doing. It really doesn't matter much. I almost think this thing has to hit rock bottom before we really can move forward.
I keep thinking of moving out - that I'd love to have my own place right now. The kids are keeping me here. My new sales manager job gives me a little more coin, and I could swing a small rental on the other side of town where work is. Just don't know if I want to upset the apple cart that much.
Is it wrong that I think that? I would be happier without her in my life. I'd be more lonely sooner or later, but I could figure things out. Man, I'm way better than I was 2 months ago, but it still stinks to be in this no-man's land. Alex, I'll take "Will she Divorce Me or Not for $500".
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Since she's blame shifting, she will not consider moving out. She has said the only person moving would be me. She's super cozy having OM on her phone, me here to help around the house, help with the kids, and bring home $$$.
I feel trapped right now. Kind of want to crawl in a corner and cry.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Trumpet, I am so sorry. I agree with TXHubby that she should leave, but I also know that you need to look at what is best all around for you and the kids. Who is the primary caregiver? How much tension is in the home? I was really hoping for a better outcome for you.
It took 4 months, but dealing with the sitch is so much easier now. I can rationally think. Staying calm.
Went to church with the kids. Wife went to second service. Had a mission trip meeting - we sat apart.
Going out with a divorced guy my age tonight. He goes to church with me, but have never hung out. His ex-wife did the same thing to him, and I'm looking to someone who went through the same sitch for some pointers that I might have missed. He's a good guy, a great drummer, and very successful. Had a beautiful wife, but it sounds like she went wayward.
Pastor wants to meet up with me on Tuesday. Wed. I have counseling. Going to be an absolutely crazy week.
Have no interest in talking with wife right now. I have no clue if her phone is stuck to her head talking to OM, if they're sexting in the bathroom, and where she was for 2 hours after the mission meeting. It's gotten to that point, ladies and gents. Letting go.
I'm not all the way there, where nothing is felt in me. But true love is letting her go, and find her 'happy'. She desperately wants to be happy, and not depressed. Is it withdrawls? Will she ever be happy with me? I don't know, and only God knows. She doesn't see the commitment aspect as all that important to her, so I'm ok now letting her find herself. Man, it's going to really hurt the kids. That's what I fret about. But she deserves to be happy, if she's never been happy, she should try to find it. Maybe she'll come back. I don't know - I'd love to see if we could put things back together. But it's not my choice. Time to be nice to her, show her I care, but to live as if.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
So sorry Trumpet. That really [censored]. The first thought I had was the OM is a test. Of you, yes, but of herself. She really doesn't know what she wants, so she's testing things. It will blow up (most likely anyway). But it is *THE* worst to go through. We have to learn the hard way (to quote CS Lewis), but by God, we learn! Hope she learns fast...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Letting go of her is not a guarantee she will turn around, but I think you have to protect your own emotional health at this time. If you truly let go, Trumpet, she will know it. You won't have to tell her or try and show her........she'll just know. Knowing that her H is "done" could go one of two ways. She may temporarily feel a sense of freedom, or feel you are calling "enough", which could shake some of the fog and she could even be attracted back. It happens all the time with women. So, I hope you can continue to feel detached and moving forward for yourself. If she does act as if she is suddenly wanting to see if you are still attached to her........play it very cool, b/c it will be tempt checking.
Once you let go, it may throw her more off balance and she may start grabbing at you for stability (support), IDK. If she was earnestly working to withdraw from the OM, then I would tell you to give all kinds of support, however, she was never fully on board (reluctant to transparency), and now is contacting OM and furious at you. In her rebellious mode, she is willfully removing herself from your umbrella of protection and provision.
Continue focusing on your new job. It seems to be helping keep you busy. She and OM may have another short breakup, or not. Basically, she has to see for herself without you trying to persuade or convince her decision. As you may know, I am a firm believer that the H of a WW should turn loose and let her alone to learn for herself. Once H let's go, then her attempts at blaming and resisting him for everything, gets more & more shallow........thus forcing some of the fog to lift and helping her see reality a bit more clearly. Obviously, every situation is a little different, and the spread of time varies.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I've almost completely stopped talking with W for any reason. I do get emails for appointments/kid stuff, but there is no texts, no phone calls from her - nothing. The D14 said last night, when I got home, that mom was crying when I was gone. Visited a friend from church, watched the UW Men's BB team on TV, and went home. Got home late tonight from work.
I'd rather just not care right now. I did pop on her laptop, and since I don't have any passwords, I just looked at her browser history. No OM Facebook contact, but looking up articles online that say '5 signs that your marriage is done' or something thereabouts.
She's struggling at best, and talking/texting OM at worst. I truly am happier without her around. Coming home in the last 2 weeks, if she isn't here - I'm happy. If she's here - I'm dreading it. I just have a yearning to see my kids, and be on my own now. The tear in our marriage is getting worse - the push apart more now than ever. I haven't cried in a week about anything. Just sad for her, and I get sad when I think about having to make the kids deal with this.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
I've almost completely stopped talking with W for any reason. I do get emails for appointments/kid stuff, but there is no texts, no phone calls from her - nothing. The D14 said last night, when I got home, that mom was crying when I was gone. Visited a friend from church, watched the UW Men's BB team on TV, and went home. Got home late tonight from work.
I'd rather just not care right now. I did pop on her laptop, and since I don't have any passwords, I just looked at her browser history. No OM Facebook contact, but looking up articles online that say '5 signs that your marriage is done' or something thereabouts.
She's struggling at best, and talking/texting OM at worst. I truly am happier without her around. Coming home in the last 2 weeks, if she isn't here - I'm happy. If she's here - I'm dreading it. I just have a yearning to see my kids, and be on my own now. The tear in our marriage is getting worse - the push apart more now than ever. I haven't cried in a week about anything. Just sad for her, and I get sad when I think about having to make the kids deal with this.
The irony is now that you've reached this point (it feels so much better doesn't it?), now she'll want you more than ever. Why? Because she can't have you. It's such a good feeling when the power in a situation like this swings over to your side.
