Stepping in a Different Direction

[pinn]

wow feyth... I know you have posted bits and pieces of that in the past but not sure you went into that level of detail. That sounds really really hard. I basically have the same thoughts as the ladies above. Is the stress getting less severe? Take care

[Pax_luv]

Hi MB, Cil, and Pinn!
The detail I went into above was to recap the downfall of the marriage and how it related to the "having kids" issue. This was occurring in early 2014.

The doctor said the alopecia I had was the same kind they see when patients have some sort of extreme trauma (car accident, etc). In a sense,I was traumatized in life! H was spinning, I was trying to develop my career and I also had the "having children" issue weighing on me...while not feeling counsciously safe in the relationship. It was a really tough time and I worked so hard every day to try and keep it together for everyone involved. I was great at stuffing it all in. I also never ever shared my marital issues with anyone b/c I didn't want to disrespect my husband. I loved him.

After all that, things continued to get worse. H was still dealing with childhood issues, he lost a big lawsuit. He told me he wasn't kidding when he gave me the two month timeline. We went to therapy, but even the therapist said he clearly wasn't interested in working on the m. It was more like he went just to say he "tried". After that, I got the ILYBINILWY speech... I continued to work on the m... And then h told me he was paranoid about why I hadn't left the house. Since I was desperate to make it work, I suggested the trial sep because I would do anything to save it... And if it meant moving out, then so be it. H didn't make it through the trial sep before he started dating.

Fast forward to today and I am doing so much better. The brick on my chest is gone, I am balanced and healthy, my hair grew back super quick (I was still taking pre-natal vitamins during this time so it helped). My career is great. I am getting out and GALing. The only thing missing is h and my m. That's it. I think I'm way stronger now and know I don't need him and am pretty sure I don't want him. As of now, we have zero connection... He's shown no interest or remorse, disappointment, regret... nothing.

[pinn]

Fast forward to today and I am doing so much better. The brick on my chest is gone, I am balanced and healthy, my hair grew back super quick (I was still taking pre-natal vitamins during this time so it helped). My career is great. I am getting out and GALing. The only thing missing is h and my m. That's it. I think I'm way stronger now and know I don't need him and am pretty sure I don't want him. As of now, we have zero connection... He's shown no interest or remorse, disappointment, regret... nothing.

Oh great to hear! I thought you were doing well but thought I might have missed some things when I read your last post. I just took it out of context I guess. I am really happy to hear that things are going well!

[Pax_luv]

Oh and now.... Neither of us is having children. Karma? Irony? Just a shi*ty life lesson?

[Sotto]

"I don't need him and am pretty sure I don't want him. As of now, we have zero connection... He's shown no interest or remorse, disappointment, regret... nothing."

Hi Feyth, given your H's age and what you describe above, I think he is in MLC. I may well have posted this to you before. Given this, your comment about no interest, remorse etc. Will all absolutely be the case for some time.

MLCers have an emotional void for a while. The feel hollow and they try to fill this with 'things' - a Harley, some like mine have an A etc. This continues for some time during 'replay.' They don't know what to do to make themselves feel better and they also think 'we' are the cause of their unhappiness.

All that is happening is about 'them' though and not about 'you.' During MLC they can't sustain healthy relationships. They don't really have anything to give.

Whether you choose to hang on in there is of course up to you and I would encourage you to read widely about MLC and understand what is happening as part of your growth & decision making.

Take care - you're doing really well. Incidentally, I had the opposite. My H decided he desperately DID need to become a DAd again. This time a full time one

[Pax_luv]

Hi Sotto,

Thank you. You did share this insight with me once before. Oh yes, I did a lot reading on the MLC subject. I think he is in MLC. Currently, his best friend is a 23 year old bar back and his wardrobe consists of many Abercrombie and Fitch items. I mean that's just two small elements (and I've gone over some of the other more overt symptoms before in previous posts .... Alien for sure!) He's been trying to fill himself up with stuff and things for years!

I just can't see him coming out of it and wanting to come back. He's the kind of guy to just move on to something different.... He never looks back and never tries again. This I know with certainty. If he did want to come back into a marriage with me... It would be the first do-over in his entire life. He cuts people and things out all the time and never flinches. He also is proud of the fact that he doesn't have sentiment in his life.

With that, I question if I was part of his MLC, too. I mean we have a huge age difference. I never felt it.... But could I have been part of the crisis, too? I'm his second wife. He dumped his first one, too.

Anyway, he is emotionally stunted and I wonder if that's why we were able to relate (because I'm so much younger and met him at 21). I loved him with all my heart... But I think i was also blind to a couple things.

Just a lot of unknowns and I'm feeling like I want more out of life. This has been a long journey and I'm ready to get off the ride. Ok, I'm off the ride, but I'm still watching it go round and round from a distance.

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
Journaling-
H and I had a good interaction at dog swap this morning. I was the one who ended the conversation short. He wanted to know about the dog ( what did he do this weekend? How was he? Etc). We chatted for a bit then he asked, "is there anything else I need to know?" I can't assume anything, but he seemed interested in what we did this weekend... Well I posted a bunch of stuff on facebook so I wonder if he saw it and wanted me to share? I said, nope. Then he made it a point to try to tell me what he did this weekend. He went to some park and everyone was there with their dog. I didn't feel like prompting the conversation further so I just said... Oh? Nice.

No mind reading, but did he want me to ask what he was doing there and with whom?

I decided to just keep the friendliness going so I texted him the link to the tide charts so he could save it on his phone. Apparently the dog loved the low tide at the beach the other day. He replied, "thx."

Meh- so weird to me... "Is there anything else I need to know?"

[Pax_luv]

Hello DBland,
It's interesting... I'm finding it harder and harder to follow the boards these days. It blows my mind to see how many new people have joined just in the last 6 weeks. I feel for everyone who is new to their sitch and dealing with the sheer agony of all this.

I know many folks have mentioned they left the forum because it's too hard to relive their situation through everyone else's... And I totally get it now. It's tough.

I had a pleasant week. Too much GALing.... It definitely helps. I'm going to try and make some plans for tonight, too. H has been on my mind a lot.... Had some unpleasant dreams about him. I guess its my subconcious telling me things! We had a cordial dog swap yesterday. he seems really happy again. I know it's hard to tell in a 30 second window, but he seems more relaxed.

Sometimes I wonder if me being bubbly and happy with my life made it easier for him to move on too? That may sound weird... But what I'm making up is that he may have felt something along the lines of "Feyth is super great on her own. She's always upbeat around me and totally ok with me doing my thing, we're still friendly...and we can both be happy now." Meh- maybe/ maybe not. It doesn't matter. He is allowed to feel what he feels.

Oh and last thing... Somehow I made it to sleeping in the center of my bed! I just noticed it two nights ago. It only took 8 months to get there.

Have a great weekend everyone.

[pinn]

Good to hear from you feyth. It is the strangest thing. I was lying in my bed the other night, on one side, and was like... "Why do I stay on this side". My bed is big... I should use the whole thing!

I noticed the number of new people too. Sad really. I came on one day and almost didn't recognize any of the new names. Keep your head up!

[Pax_luv]

Thanks pinn! Hope you're doing well. I've been following along with your sitch...I hope your tax meet up goes well.

I've been so crazy busy and it's been fun! I feel like I'm 23 again! I have gal activities booked from this past Monday through Saturday. Then I'm already booked mon- wed next week. I Haven't turned the tv on at all since Sunday and have literally been at my place just to sleep.

The last two days I've also had some twinges of jealousy. Two of my girlfriends have just reconciled with their long term boyfriends. Both of them were "dumped" by their men and after 5 and 7 months of being broken up, both men have come back wanting to reconcile. Ugh... While it's not intentional at all, I just feel like its rubbed in my face (though it's not... This is just me). Everyone else is working through their relationship issues together with their partner.. Why can't I?

It's all good... I'm continuing to keep one foot in front of the other and keeping my energy focused on myself and what I can do to be a better person.

For those reading- have a good day!