Stepping in a Different Direction

[- MB -]

Divorce is just as real of a loss. Right now you aren't divorced. Your marriage is sick. You're no where near in a spot to be either single or at peace.

So I'd urge you to commit to the 1 year rule, to look at all of your desires to go find happiness elsewhere as a sign of where you need to grow, and to stand by your vows like you expected him to. Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't, it's not fair to expect him to.

Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?

Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?

But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?

Zues, these are both quotes that you wrote very recently. Don't the parts highlighted in blue contradict each other? In one you're telling Feyth to stand by her man as if he were sick. This written from the standpoint of someone who doesn't think think people should get divorced and should just wait it out and hope the WAS comes back. The other statement is written as if you think that waiting for someone that is cheating on you is means that there must be something wrong with you. That sounds like it's written by someone that thinks once someone cheats on you it's an absolute dealbreaker. Just looking for some clarity on your thoughts here.

[Sotto]

I would say it would be much wiser to freeze eggs (or whatever options one has) to extend your period of fertility - than rush into a R that may not be optimal for you....

[Pax_luv]

Thank you all for your comments and feedback.

Jelly- I appreciate the time that you took to share your personal perspective on the matter.

I'll respond more later... Just don't have the energy right now. Ya know how it is sometimes!

[Zues126]

Divorce is just as real of a loss. Right now you aren't divorced. Your marriage is sick. You're no where near in a spot to be either single or at peace.

So I'd urge you to commit to the 1 year rule, to look at all of your desires to go find happiness elsewhere as a sign of where you need to grow, and to stand by your vows like you expected him to. Act with the character you wish he had. If you can't, it's not fair to expect him to.

Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?

Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?

But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?

Zues, these are both quotes that you wrote very recently. Don't the parts highlighted in blue contradict each other? In one you're telling Feyth to stand by her man as if he were sick. This written from the standpoint of someone who doesn't think think people should get divorced and should just wait it out and hope the WAS comes back. The other statement is written as if you think that waiting for someone that is cheating on you is means that there must be something wrong with you. That sounds like it's written by someone that thinks once someone cheats on you it's an absolute dealbreaker. Just looking for some clarity on your thoughts here.

If your spouse hasn't divorced you, hit you, or cheated, I don't believe divorce is the answer. A lifelong commitment is a lifelong commitment. You don't get a mulligan because you changed your mind on what you wanted in life, you decided you deserve more, or you feel short changed. And if that means your partner goes on a 5 year journey in which they don't know if they want to be married, or if your partner stops having sex for a few years, or if they just don't meet your needs...tough. Step up, do what you believe is right, and be happy for what you have. It's unreal how everyone in our society agrees with this until it's THEM not getting what they want, then it's all different.

If a spouse hits you, cheats, or divorces you, you aren't bound to them. Those aren't always absolute deal breakers, but they release us from any obligation.

But regardless of the reasons for the separation, whether it legitimizes divorce or not, whether you decide to stand by the marriage or not...I think the same advice applies. Detach. Move forward with your life. Meet your emotional needs on your own through GAL. And be appreciative for what you have.

In fact, if you do this it almost doesn't matter if you're standing by your marriage or not. Whether you're waiting for WAS to come out of the fog, or getting divorced and working on accepting that...either way, the first couple of years should look about the same. It shouldn't be about chasing after WAS, nor trying to rebound into something else so you don't have to deal with those troublesome feelings of loss while you try to photoshop your new partner into your life.

So to those tired of being in limbo, and angry that they aren't getting what they feel entitled to, I say suck it up and don't steer your life by your emotions. And to those who are emotionally attached and clinging to a WAS that is mistreating them, I say let them go and take care of yourself.

The funny part is it's all driven by the same thing, neediness. Those clinging want their needs met by WAS. Those rushing to the D want their needs met by their next partner. But it's all about needing something from a partner and being angry for not getting what we feel like we deserve. If people could grow up and lose the entitlement and accept that we don't always get what we want when we want it, we'd not only find some peace in all of this...we'd be on our way to becoming a spouse only a fool would leave. Because the root of most marital problems come from bad behavior, which comes from resentment, which comes from expectations, which comes from selfishness. When Cadet posts "NO EXPECTATIONS" it is truly because this is key to detachment which is the foundation for a mature love, which knows both commitment...and boundaries.

[Pax_luv]

Hello- I just need a place to share something really quick. So, today is the 8 month anniversary of me moving out. It was also the shortest dog swap ever... H knocked on the door, handed me the dog, I said thanks and he walked away. Zero connection at all.

I didn't fuss over it. I made dinner and have been enjoying my relaxing evening. That is until I heard live musicians right outside of my patio. They were for the guy that lives above me. He hired these musicians to sing to his girlfriend so he could propose. Since it happened right in front of me... For the people right on top of me... I had a front row seat to a cheesy and really sweet marriage proposal.

I'm sad and really jealous. I wish it was me.... Wish someone loved me that much. Someday I'll have that again, right?!?!

[Thornton]

Absolutely! Guaranteed!

[pinn]

without a doubt Feyth.... you and me both. Hang in there

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
A couple posts back I was sharing my feelings about running out of time in terms of safely having biological children...

Zues had provided some input and asked the question if ever wanted kids and if that was something that h and I had discussed. And the answer is, yes. Both h and I did want children... It was just a matter of when.

It's hard to explain without going through the whole timeline... But we were almost there in terms of the timing being right. And by that I mean, we were in a good place financially, I had finished my masters and got the career I wanted... The next step was to start a family and we were both on the same page. Well, during that time when we were ready that's when things fell apart between h and myself. He quit his career to become an actor and told me he was buying a condo so he could stay in LA a couple nights a week and go on auditions. This was a path that he carved out for himself and did not discuss it with me once or even share his desire for this. It was almost a bomb drop. What a huge decision to make without even sharing! because i didn't have the skills needed to approach this behavior, I pulled back.... This was in the midst of my career move, too. I was so stressed out that I was balding with alopecia. The next thing that happened was h went out and bought a Harley.... Again not a single word was said to me or discussed.... I pulled back more. Again... Still in my stress bubble I was holding everything in and it was eating me alive. We were still connecting somewhat, but it wasn't great. Truth be told I was not feeling "safe" in my relationship but I didn't know it at the time. My h was getting really paranoid and got his carry permit and was sleeping with guns next to the bed, he was seeing a therapist for death anxiety, too. He was not happy and it was hard to be around him. I still told him I loved him, but it was so hard being married to him. Ok, I know I'm focusing on h here.... I have a role in this too B/c I didn't know how to deal with the emotional chaos in my relationship and career, I was stuffing everything in and trying to pretend hat everything was ok and not addressing my feelings, etc. Then, on our 4 year wedding anniversary he tells me that if we're not pregnant in 2 months there's no point in being married.

And that was it for me. I completely and utterly shutdown. I was not overtly passive aggressive, but I definitely was passive aggressive internally. I still played wife in terms of coming home and making dinner- pretending everything was ok. But it wasn't, that one sentence completely murdered me. It was another decision that he was trying to make that didn't include me or my feelings. Yes, I wanted children but to be forced into it as an ultimatum kind of took away my personhood. It's hard to explain.

From that day on, things were never the same... We also were never intimate again. It feels so long ago now.

That might be more than you wanted to know... But marriage breakdowns are mulitdimensional. Lots of coulda woulda shoulda on my end, but I didn't have the tools to do it any other way.. And I've spent the last 8 months working on myself to ensure that I never allow myself to get in that emotional state ever again.

[- MB -]

Feyth, that is so sad that he chose to go down that path and to make so man HUGE decisions without so much as mentioning it to you first. I mean, those were huge decisions and he didn't consider or even want you opinion at all. Nothing like having your entire life and future dictated to you. Like it or leave it. Not sure exactly how he thought you were going to react to it all. Sounds like he might have hit his MLC and you were dealing with the dreaded alien that took over H's body. I freaking HATE that stupid alien!

I hate that you didn't have anyone and that you tried to deal with all that by yourself. I never really hear anyone on the forum talk about how the stress is affecting them physically. I mean aside from the insomnia, no appetite/ wt loss, etc. But your hair was falling out. Is that getting better now that you have been working on yourself and your stress? Has it grown back. I'm really curious about that because I am also loosing my hair. Pretty sure I'm going to end up completely bald if something doesn't change. Not sure how to stop it though. UGH!!! And, oh yea, hair falling out constantly is a bit stressing which just makes it worse. Would love to hear you thoughts, opinions, or advice on that!!!!

Now that you've been working on yourself for 8 months, do you feel better? Stronger? Do you see or talk to H anymore? I really do hope you're doing well. I'm glad that you decided to post again. I kept looking for you hoping that you'd come back to update us. Take care of yourself and keep in touch.

[ciluzen]

Feyth,

What an awful lot to take in. And hold in. Stress can really do a lot of damage to your body and mind. I, too, have lost a lot of hair...its curly enough to not be noticeable, but I really see it!

What are you doing now to combat this? It is combat...a war on stress and stressors. I've heard about meditation, yoga, heavy exercise being used. My doc told me to take care of my gut...REAL Greek yogurt with fat at least once a day (smoothies or mix it into milk when eating cereal) It will help with a lot of the physical effects of stress. Especially the hit to our immune systems.

I hope you are feeling better soon. PMA is important. Sounds like you worry a lot about H and his problems...I do too. But you have to let him take his own journey while you focus on you. Its hard, but it took my own daughter telling me she missed ME, the strong mom she could go to when she needed me, for me to realize how much my R problem itself was ruining my life. I had to mentally let H go...detach...to start to feel better. Not giving up on R, just taking a break from focusing on that which I can't control.