I Think it's Way Too Late

[1313]

Oh yeah, one more thing to be super clear - if I could have logged into my account to begin with, I could have given her the password right then and there. Or more specifically, tell her that her name was working - and not have to change anything at all. This all would have been avoided.

She waited 10 days to start all this up again, after I offered the last time. I have dozens of text messages going over this same thing.

(I wish there were an edit mode here!)

[1313]

One more thing for further clarification!
Had the assistant called me within 4-5 hours after I left, or texted me that they had indeed gotten the old password working - NONE of this would have happened!

Whether it was from embarrassment I don't know. I'm thinking it was more just because she didn't care. And, didn't have an epiphany that "oh yeah, if he changes the password...!". Nor did she say anything to the IT guy apparently - who would have mentioned something.

I really think that the vitriol and hate my wife is expressing towards me to the assistant (who at least until a month and a half ago was somewhat of a friend) is rubbing off, and she's doing what she can to pitch barbs as well. This was just one that apparently will backfire.

Could I let her know? If I did, they'd realize they'd forgotten that I'm still on all of their accounts. That would be STUPID for me, because at least right now I can learn her strategies. Since it's being shared with me, I'm not going to give that up. At some point when the W logs onto her account(s) and sees my picture there with the "Sharing With" it will all be over. Until then I'm using it to my advantage, and I'm not going to tip my hand.

So, I have to pretend I never saw the IT completed task form.

[1313]

Not to keep beating a dead horse (well yes, to hamburger), this is from the diary I'm keeping as something happens almost daily: ("A" will be assistant, "X" is service provider)

2/18
Asked to get in to house, went from today to tomorrow to accommodate schedule for "A".

This afternoon "A" starts calling me because once again she’s having email problems. This usually starts as soon as I ask to get into the house.

To clarify, to have personal email accounts at "RE Office" (which is what they want), you need to use secure ports and SSL encryption. This has been problematic from the start as they often change the protocols and I’ve had to change port settings multiple times. Also, if "RE Office" is having internet issues, it is assumed it’s something to do with outlook, the email etc. all of which become my fault.

On this day she said outlook wasn’t working, but could give me no specifics. I told her to log in on her webmail and use that. But she can’t remember her password for her webmail, and blames me as “I’m the system administrator” and should remember her password. Originally when setting it up I probably asked her for something really simple she’d remember (birthday, name, the word “password”, "12345" etc.), and then set up her email on outlook using that password. She began getting hostile, and I would ask her not to yell.

She would say it’s because she can’t hear anything (hearing problems). So if I raised my voice so she could hear, she’d say I was yelling. (I was sitting in the same room with my Mother and house keeper at the time - so I wasn't yelling, just talking loudly). If I asked if she could tell me what message outlook was giving her as far as error to troubleshoot, she couldn’t tell me, nor could she say why she thought it wasn’t sending and receiving.

I went to go to my "X" account, and the browser didn’t remember the password – and I couldn’t find it. I haven’t logged onto this account in probably at least a year or longer. My password is usually a randomly generated multi-character password for something like this.

I didn’t want to call "X" right then and there as my home phone etc are all different.

She then texted me and asked if I was going to give her my administrator password yes or no! (I have text messages). I asked her to what (the PC, the email account, the "X" account?) – as I had just told her I couldn’t log into "X". She answered “to what” with “because we need it”. Then “anything we need to do to help u we will”. I then asked again, specifically what she was talking about. She said “we need the administrator password to do my job! Are u going to help me or not?”

Again I asked her what she was talking about – and clarified again in case she didn’t understand if it was the "X" account she was asking about – I couldn’t/wouldn't give it to her. I would not give her the password to my administrative account to all of the domains and emails I have. I said after I talk to them I would set her up with a new password. I asked her twice to check the wife’s computer to see if her email from the same domain was having problems, that would help me understand/troubleshoot her issue.

She finally answered the wife's PC wasn't available. I then asked her again if she tried her birthday and her name, and received no answer. So as in past occasions, I will send several potential passwords and don’t hear if it solved the problem. I will usually guess it did, and not hear back for a day or two or 10.


This is what I entered before I got access to the house, talked to the assistant again, and was again told to change the password. I still need to enter 2/19, I was just so flabbergasted about my phone I never did.

Have I been too much of a nice guy? Yes. That stopped this weekend. As you see, I spent way too much time on this - and the diary is already looking like, well, a diary.

[1313]

Ok, I think the assistant thing has been beat to death. I would sure like to know how people here handled a friend/relative/employee that is acting on behalf of their WAS. I can't be the only one dealing with this.

What's funny is, I made a total #$S of myself protecting her on more than one occasion, and in fact alienated myself from a few of the W's relatives when I stood up for her, the W and myself to a lesser degree. No good deed goes unpunished. but here I am doing what I said I wouldn't!

So here's the thing.

As I mentioned earlier, I've wanted to do this art piece for a charity function that happens every year. It's a blind auction. All pieces are on identical sized canvas. No names show, we sign the back of the canvas.

Very famous artists, and I mean very famous (unless you've lived under a rock for the 20th and 21st century) participate, as well as just kids, and everyone in between. It's really a neat thing for a great cause.

It's been fantastic therapy. Whether or not I can bring myself to attend is something I guess I'll need to deal with when the time comes in early spring. But to concentrate on something for a few days has been great. Plus, I can "go away" and still keep an eye on my Mother, a double blessing.

So today, I went to the website to see if they've started a roster of attendees yet - they do every year. They'll also put up a few pieces that have arrived early, which I like to see.

Holy smokes, GD if there's not a picture about 3 down of me and the W, thanking us for our years of art and contributions.

(!?!?) Ugh.

Now, I emailed the guy who does this stuff weeks ago, saying I wouldn't be able to contribute this year, told him we're splitting - the W found somebody else and I wouldn't be able to bear being there. Sorry. (but he'd be happy to get a canvas before the deadline). If you missed it earlier in the thread, the W said I would contribute - literally as she was filing for D. She knew it would be tough for me if not impossible.

So now, I've got this gigantic picture of us and there's no way the W is going to miss it. She's out of town right now and probably hasn't seen it, but she'll be back Wednesday.

Ok - is this like pursuing only somebody else is doing it for me? I have a feeling he thinks he's doing me a favor, or us. There's almost no reason to have us up there, next to some pretty well known celebrities.

Should I ask him nicely to remove it? Do you think this will tick off the W? I kind of think it will especially after reading Sandi's thoughts - in her state of mind I could see her thinking I had something to do with it.

At the same time in my pathetic state of mind - well this is something I would have done a few weeks ago or before I read DB. I still kind of hope it touches her, but I also hope I win the lotto.

What do you guys think?

She really is much better friends with the guy who put this up than I am. A "logical and rational" W would think it is what it is - and maybe even reflect on what a great time we had and have had doing this. I think I lost that person a long time ago.

If I do ask to have it removed, I'll need to do it soon as it could take a bit to pull it. I'd appreciate some input as the darnedest things keep happening.

[1313]

Aw man, what a chump I am.

As I was sitting looking at the photo mentioned above - all kinds of thoughts were rushing around. Like, the W wrote the OM an email saying that she was going to the show - but visiting friends etc., no mention of me and staying at a beachside hotel (with twin beds by "accident") etc. She can't even tell him the truth.

Anyway, this just popped into my head.

Quite often the W's piece doesn't sell, to be truthful it's got nothing to do with her talents, rather that it's mostly pop-art and she's more traditional. Wrong audience. So, I would normally bid on her piece so the charity gets money and we get the piece back.

Except last year. Last year at the last second a bid came in and somebody bought it. I thought that was great. Except - you ladies tell me.

The name of the winning bidder? Mr. Pancake.

We were all making fun of the name, and I was to tell the truth not believing anybody is named pancake - or at least having fun with it.

She was pretty quiet.

All of a sudden just now - I thought about breakfast.

Am I stupid, or what?

Ugh.

[TimR]

Can't tell you what to do with the picture. If he is better friends with your wife than you, it could be just as bad. One of her friends sees it, mentions it to her and she calls him and asks why he took down her photo. He explained because you called. From my perspective I think it is a darn if you do, darn if you don't. I guess I would say just ignore it. If she calls you out on it, act as if. People have pics of you two together, you can not control what they do with them.

The bigger issue is you giving her so much power of your emotional well being that you are so worried about it. Things are going to pop up, try to detach from the sitch and not let it bother you. Yeah that is much easier said than done. My W can say something and my heart melts or say do something and my blood boils. We both need to get that darn rope and its crazy glue off our hands.

[1313]

Can't tell you what to do with the picture. If he is better friends with your wife than you, it could be just as bad. One of her friends sees it, mentions it to her and she calls him and asks why he took down her photo. He explained because you called. From my perspective I think it is a darn if you do, darn if you don't. I guess I would say just ignore it. If she calls you out on it, act as if. People have pics of you two together, you can not control what they do with them.

The bigger issue is you giving her so much power of your emotional well being that you are so worried about it. Things are going to pop up, try to detach from the sitch and not let it bother you. Yeah that is much easier said than done. My W can say something and my heart melts or say do something and my blood boils. We both need to get that darn rope and its crazy glue off our hands.

You're right - I'm just going to ignore it. It's also possible she'll never see it. I don't think any friends will see it as they're not that connected with this event.

I was just somewhat shocked to see this - but not on reflection. I'm beginning to think it was pure coincidence and planned long before this guy knew what was going on. If not, it's nice of him to try, and I appreciate it.

As far as the art, I've considered I'll just submit the piece. For the time being I'll plan on not being at the event.

I could see at this point how the W would consider it pursuing or spying depending on who she shows up with. That might sound a bit silly considering we both have an equal right to be there, but like I said at some point she's going to "come out" with this R. She's fighting like crazy to keep it a secret at the moment. Plus, the last thing I ever want to see is her together with this guy. It will be a very, very long time before I'm emotionally strong enough.

I've got my first post BD call with the L this morning, I'm assuming this means things have started. I anticipate being an emotional wreck after that as the reality of the impending D sinks back in.

[TimR]

If you could not attend and act detached if W shows up with OM then you definitely should not attend. I would worry less of the pursuing/spying feelings she may have as I would worry about the above. Showing that you have not detached would hurt your M IMO worse. I know I will have to confront a similar issue in the future. If I see W and OM together, what will happen? Will I be able to act detached or will SWAT be pulling me off him??? Hence why I will be avoiding that at all costs right now!

Good luck with your L meeting today! Just remember even with a D you can still save the marriage! While I can not speak personally for anybody on this thread, I can tell you I know a couple "in real life" that got back together after D.

[NYGal]

If you're not ready to see W with OM then don't go. I THOUGHT I saw W with her AP yesterday and I started trembling and shaking and quaking in my seat. Literally. Then it turned out it wasn't them. I had to leave the area anyhow. I realized that I wasn't looking good or acting confident and I didn't want her to see that.

[1313]

TimR, NYGal, thanks.
I can't speak for how I'll feel in May, but I sure can right now. I get sick to my stomach - but you know the feeling.

I also haven't gone through the court stuff yet either. Who knows what crazy state I'll be in - I might be mad as $#&*!

But I do know right now I'd lose it. Not on her or him, but just me. I'd fall apart.

I'd hate to spend the entire time at the event(s) (there's an artist reception and the next night the auction) "not looking" and making sure I was on the other side of the venue. Plus, having to explain why we're not together. Then, watching who sides up with who. More rejection.

The sad part of this is - in rewriting history she told me she had a terrible time when we did this last year. And in fact, I remember having some really great times and fun - then all of a sudden she'd back off and start to detach. Dummy. If only I'd have known, not been in denial and have read DR.

Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Oh yeah, the court date is in 2 1/2 weeks. The lawyer doesn't want to file anything regarding getting into the house mostly to save money as we're so close. The court will of course not be humored by her doing this, unless she comes up with a compelling reason. Ugh, that's so depressing.

TimR, I'm having a really hard time imagining pulling things back together after a D. When this is over, it will be like a nuclear bomb went off. All the things that are "us", a mind-boggling art collection, furnishings, homes etc. will all be gone. The amount of money spent or lost will easily be a high 6 figures, possibly 7.

Again, I don't know how I'll feel - but at that point it's almost like a death. If I'm having to start over at 60 - how can I do it with somebody I started life with at 23 and effectively erased my entire life? At that point I think I won't only have dropped the rope, but doused it with gasoline and set it on fire.