You would tell him that you'd only consider R if he is really ready to work hard to make it work. You already got back together and it didn't work out, so this time you want to do it at your own pace to give yourself the best chance!
And then what? He is so messed up at this point and I know that I can't fix him. You're gong SUPER SLOW because that's your H's pace. If your H was ready to jump back in, how would you have proceeded after the affair was ended? Of course all this is hypothetical because as far as I know my H is still having an A and I have no idea if he would want me back anyway. Nor do I know if I would want him back. I would, however, like to have a plan in case it ever comes up that way I will know what to do and how to respond. Not something I would want to be blindsided with as it didn't work out well for me last time.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I fully understand where you are coming from. I took him back after I found out A, until I found out he was back with her ( no contact with OW was one of my non negotiable condition for us to R),that's when I kicked him out. I think you need to look inside you what your boundaries would be, would you start as friends and go on friendly date? Only you can work this out.
As for me I'm not going slow with my STBXH as I can see that there will be no change in my situation. So I'm getting on with my life. No longer waiting for him, the door is just a tiny bit open!
Thanks, Rourky. (Also sorry for the hijack). Just wanted to say I appreciate your opinion and I agree completely that pride and saving face definitely is part of my H's decision to file. So I just wanted to caution anyone who decides to do what I did. It does have consequences. Thanks again - appreciate the perspective!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I know that I shouldn't have kick STBXH out as maybe I wouldn't be here, but on the other hand kicking him out was the best thing for my sanity. I honestly believe that seeing him everyday would have put me in an early grave.
If you read some stitches where people are in house separation, it feels like it's hell everyday. We have to do what is the best for us.
Bonjour Rouky. Howdy MB. Hey broke. I hope we all get the chance to R. Patience is my mantra. Take it slow. Like I know what I'm talking about... I don't. I have to call MB when I have the urge to contact W.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Yes NY, you DO know what to do. The problem is sometimes you let your emotions run away with your and react to them instead of doing what you KNOW you should be doing. You're learning to calm yourself and breathe through it. It will get easier the more you do it. And, you and Rain ALSO give me advice and help me when I'm having a hard time. That's what we are here for, to support and encourage each other while throwing in some advice when we have some to offer. Love you guys!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Still awake, been having problems sleeping lately. I guess if I'm honest, I've been having problems falling asleep and STAYING asleep for over 4 months now. I'm still in NC with H which frustrates me greatly. I have been having more days lately where I miss him. I just want to see him, sit by him, hold his hand, talk to him.... UGH! I don't make any effort to see him, I just think about him and our situation a lot. Never come up with any resolution of the problem, so I feel like I'm stuck in place.
I haven't been doing as many GAL activities as I had been. It seems like everyone that was helping me stay busy has decided that I've had long enough to get over this so they all went on with their lives. Unfortunately, I guess forgot to get over it! I'm trying to get out more though. Yesterday I went out for a 5mile walk. I ate WAY too many chocolate covered cranberries and was trying to keep some of them from sticking with me. LOL. Then, last night I went to a birthday party for one of my coworkers. She is a leap year baby so even though she is turning 60 this year, it's actually only the 15th time her actual birdaDAY has come around in her life. So, since she's turning "15," we had a quinceanera party for her complete with a fancy dress and everything. It was a lot of fun. After I got home, I got a random text message from a friend I hadn't spoken to in years. She's moving out of state soon so I made plans to meet her for dinner on March 1st. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get back out there by myself so I can stay busy.
I still wish that H would call me, but at the same time I'm afraid that he WILL call me. After what happened in December, I'm afraid that it would happen like that again. Of course, I'm also afraid that he expects ME to change, but that he won't change at all and I don't really want to be in the same abusive relationship that I was in before. I'm not sure that I would even be able to recognize a change if he made one. I mean, he would be able to fake it for a little while, but would he revert back if I went home? Then again, I also know that there's no guarantee that he will ever contact me again. That's what I'm so afraid will happen. That I just sit here in NC while he moves on to the point he never comes back.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Oh, almost forgot, I am also still going to counseling. The plan now is to work on ME and not the marriage. I have a book that counselor gave me that I have been reading and doing my homework in. Not sure how it's going to go at my next appointment though. Last weeks appointment was nonproductive and frustrating for me. Anytime I bring H up, he gets frustrated with me and I can tell that he doesn't want to hear me talk about him anymore. As a matter of fact, he told me that he thought it was a waste of my $ to come to him to talk about my H because I'm not making any progress in that area. He basically said that if I wanted to talk about H, then I should just save my money and not schedule an appointment. Nothing like being so stuck in a situation that your IC doesn't even want to hear you talk about it anymore.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
It's really hard to keep going. All the torturous thoughts, the unknowns can consume us.
I think your IC is frustrated with your codependency, us codependents will talk about the other person until we're blue in the face and never mention ourselves. How can we fix ourselves if we know more about the other person than ourselves?
Ive been reading Codependent No More, its a good read. I would encourage you to check it out.
Codependents settle for people. In your case, a probable narcissist and in my case, an alcoholic. And we feel extreme pain when relationships end because we were enmeshed with the other person. I know what you are going through, the intensity of the feelings is awful.
