2 good days and I fk it up with R talk - I can't get these damn emotions under control.
Ugh, I can't even bring myself to type out what the conversation was like. I don't love this man. I love the idea of him and who he used to be, I love the moments I see when he is that person. I'm now seeing him differently - incredibly fake. Everything he tells me is contradictory. He actually told me last night the reason he couldn't get back with me is because of my "attitude" because I'm such a negative person.
Took every OUNCE of discipline not to laugh in this idiots face. Yes honey, I'm the negative one. I used to be, sure. He's never taken a minute to get to know who I've become in his absence and it disgusts me.
I don't want to be with him. I don't want to save this marriage Or start another relationship with him He kind of [censored] guys
I don't feel like I'm saying that because I'm angry or my feelings are hurt. Really.
I'm an intellectual - I love deep conversations, I love having them with people about life, love, everything. I love science, quantum mechanics and theoretical physics that breathe life to the unanswerable questions of our world. I love trying new things, anything really. I love learning.
He likes video games.
That's it. Well, now he likes that and being a jerk.
I don't want that. I want someone who can hold down a conversation with me and make me think. Who's interested in what I say and doesn't just look at me cross eyed. I want so much more than what I can get with this man.
But, I'm angry.
Being a single parent is all I've really known for the past 3 years of Ds life. He's never truly been there, he's never really cared. It's always been me juggling the balls and keeping things together. But I'm angry about it. I'm so pissed that he gets to ditch us and move on with a clean break.
I'm angry, but I'm done.
Back to the DB drawing board. DB for me right now, 180 and GAL so I survive this without sending him 6 feet under, cold and alone where he wants to be.
He's angry too. He can't even listen to how I feel and tell me anything good without getting pissy. Arms crossed, voice raised. I've never seen him like this. I don't want it anymore.
I guess I should thank him for making it easier for me.
