I just read more of your thread. I think all the questions about the kids are his way of staying in touch. My W did that. She would call a lot and ask me questions about the house. Dumb and obvious questions. I think it was just to get a read on how I was feeling about her while she was (is) trying to decide to keep her disgusting affair going or come back to me. I always answered and always tried to help her out. Until last weekend, Valentine's effing weekend, when she didn't call at all after pretty much convincing me we were getting back together. So I told her to leave me alone, to stop contacting me, and that as long as she's with ow I am backing away. I hated doing it but I couldn't stand the ups and downs anymore. Plus, I hope it will result in her thinking she is losing me and come back. But even if it doesn't, I don't have to participate in the horrible cat and mouse game anymore. You know, where the cat keeps playing with the mouse until it's so traumatized it dies.
Back away from him NOW. It's most effective at the beginning, at least that's what my DB coach told me. Until you've been able to get some rest and think clearly, Do. Not. Engage. With. H. Make him wonder. Don't let him cake eat. Make him want to come back to the newly mysterious Rednail. If you have to talk about the kids, you end the conversation first. Do not cling, beg or pursue. Don't text back. If he really needs an answer, wait several hours and let him sweat. You can do this. If you don't know what to say then say nothing. Read the validation statements and have some ready for the next time you talk. Don't give him the satisfaction of temp checking you. Be mysterious!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I ended up taking benadryl like you guys suggested. I got to sleep until 5 am.
I am going to try to be decent while taking to him about the kids but short. Never mention me. Try to avoid him as much as possible.
My mom thinks as for My living situation it should stay the same UNTIL I have solid proof,like a photo of her car in my drive way overnight. That way he can not lie or fight with me on not wanting to leave.
Plus she thinks it is best if he isnt taking ths kids to his bachelor pad or random friends house or god knows where right now. Her place. Etc etc.
I hate the idea but I hate the idea more of not knowing where they are or where they will be.
I will be prepacked on the days he is coming by the night before so I can automatically leave.
Before: pack when he gets here, hangoht, watch a movie, he might make us all dinner, family time, leave.
He would always want me to stay a few extra hours.
Or he would show up at 12-1 when they nap from 1-3 to visit them and then want to hangout with me from 12-3 by ourselfs, watch a movie, alone time.
Before we thought..this is good. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Nope A the whole time.
Now literally he comes here, hug kiss kids goodbye. Walk out the door no matter what time.
If it is a day he wants to visit the kids, not allowed over if they are not AWAKE and I WILL stay in my room, or away from him. He should have no reason to come bother me now that I know about the A.
If he does I will not let him over on those days. Lie and aay sorry we have plans.
I'm feeling miserable...truly miserable. But I'm not playing the cat and mouse game like nygal said. Its killing me.
I like what NYGAL is saying to you. I also like the view expressed that WH may be projecting as this gives WH control.
My view on WH is slightly different from others here and although you would like an R, I see WH needs a great deal of help to lose his sense of entitlement and help with control issues. His frustration with losing control and swearing at you calling you names bothers me a great deal. OW is of little long term impact, a woman who sleeps with her once besties WH in their home and stays the night when her children are there so they can be aware is just about as low they go. Its as bad as it gets, mainly because it was deliberate, they had to choose to be in your home. They could have chosen a hotel on a day when you were in the house. Its crowing and posing and ensures maximum damage to your R, manipulative and crummy.
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>WH was following you around the house before you uncovered the A, unsure of how much you knew.
>Checking up on you all the time, texts calls
>concerned about his finances and believes he has few commitments
>Is spewing and ranting because you stand up for yourself
>Wants his A with a woman he knows was your best friend and whom you helped and assisted (knows she is pond scum)
>Had this OW in your home and in your MBR (knows he is a scum bag and feels entitled) I have always believed your D4 (out of the mouths of babes)
>Checks up on your movements because he knows if you have a bf it will be cheaper for him but that he will lose control
>Controls the money would prefer to pay the bills and you end up texting him the bills to pay
>Is closed about his sitch at work and with his family to save face
>Checks about everything to do and I doubt he is unsure, just wants to appear that way
>The house is in his name and yet you have children, he has treated it as his house alone
>He wants to tell you exactly where you live and how (with your mum)
>He works in a field where inmates are controlled in their environment and he is weird at work (your words)
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This is control and WH has a fear and that fear is loss of status and resources.
I do not think he has any worries you have a bf because he wants you, he is concerned that he will lose control. His motivation is control in my view, if he loses control then he will become angry. It must be occurring to him that you are not going to be a pushover and that you will require resources for yourself and your children. This interferes with his scripted view of how his world should be. Any time soon the full reality will hit him in the face and you may be the target of his frustration and anger.
This type of sitch is dangerous when you let go WH may become quite vengeful. Please be very careful and concerned for your safety.
This name calling is verbal abuse, I would like you to put a boundary on it. You are the mother of his children and that gives you the right to respect.
WH if you swear at me then I will hang up on you, I feel disrespected when you do this. As the mother of your children I feel I am entitled to your respect.
Then if he swears at you again and calls you names hang up.
WH if you send me abusive texts then I will not reply.
Record your calls and save your texts, print them out.
Your sitch worries me a great deal and there is a lot in it that reminds me of Mustardseed's sitch (and a little of Ancaire) at this point in your R. Your WH wants what he wants when he wants it. He seems to me wilful and controlling and he is losing control, he has gone too far.
Please protect yourself and be safe. WH may try to use your need for connection and possibly sex to control you, a tactic often used by WW. If this reinstatement of control doesn't work he may start becoming very angry. I am considering a mechanism for triangulation and I think this A may have been going on longer than you thought although this does not quite fit. They are too comfortable in your home.
Above all be safe, gather your safe girlfriends around you.
This is what I see, WH is in an environment at work where he has a great deal of structure and there is a great deal of control. You are not an inmate in an institution, you are a free woman.
Take very great care
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Do you think I need to stand up and put an end to sharing the house and let him take the kids?
Do I need to move on and give up all hope of a R? I just need people to tell me really what they think.
I know even now he has no rush for the D but is it really just about the money..and making sure he is fine as long as possible? Because right now he can afford the life but with a D he is screwed and will be broke.
I will go read up on mustardseeds stitch as well.
I think the A was going on before maybe emotional then he left and it went physical..or maybe it was physical before. I do not know. I just know it hurts.
He is a vengeful angry person at times. I have never had to deal with it but seen it with others. Maybe I need to be prepared for the tornado.
Also I forgot to add she was my bff BUT my WH knew her in highschool. She was his best friends girlfriend and then they got married and divorced in august after 8 yrs together and 4 married.
Until she was my bff and we got close they never talked or had contact. I regret bringing her into my life.
Has he been waiting all these years to be with her?
Well CONFIRMED its been going on since we were married. HE TOOK A VACATION IN SEPTEMBER for march and IT IS THE SAME WEEK she has off for spring break.
His partners wife called said my WH told him about the A and how it was he jad feelings for her while we were married and it is why he left and he just has a better connection with her and he still wants me but only sexually and nothing else..and he cant wait for the D.
Mine said to a mutual friend that the reason we were having problems is because he was with someone who was in a psych hospital and I didn't approve. Don't listen to any of it. They're just saying what makes them sleep better at night. And some day, they'll have to face the music, that they betrayed the one person who promised to always be there. That's a heavy thing to have to live with. They've got to use some sort of defense mechanism until it really sinks in.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
