REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#4

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Still awake, been having problems sleeping lately. I guess if I'm honest, I've been having problems falling asleep and STAYING asleep for over 4 months now. I'm still in NC with H which frustrates me greatly. I have been having more days lately where I miss him. I just want to see him, sit by him, hold his hand, talk to him.... UGH! I don't make any effort to see him, I just think about him and our situation a lot. Never come up with any resolution of the problem, so I feel like I'm stuck in place.

I haven't been doing as many GAL activities as I had been. It seems like everyone that was helping me stay busy has decided that I've had long enough to get over this so they all went on with their lives. Unfortunately, I guess forgot to get over it! I'm trying to get out more though. Yesterday I went out for a 5mile walk. I ate WAY too many chocolate covered cranberries and was trying to keep some of them from sticking with me. LOL. Then, last night I went to a birthday party for one of my coworkers. She is a leap year baby so even though she is turning 60 this year, it's actually only the 15th time her actual birdaDAY has come around in her life. So, since she's turning "15," we had a quinceanera party for her complete with a fancy dress and everything. It was a lot of fun. After I got home, I got a random text message from a friend I hadn't spoken to in years. She's moving out of state soon so I made plans to meet her for dinner on March 1st. I guess I'm just trying to figure out how to get back out there by myself so I can stay busy.

I still wish that H would call me, but at the same time I'm afraid that he WILL call me. After what happened in December, I'm afraid that it would happen like that again. Of course, I'm also afraid that he expects ME to change, but that he won't change at all and I don't really want to be in the same abusive relationship that I was in before. I'm not sure that I would even be able to recognize a change if he made one. I mean, he would be able to fake it for a little while, but would he revert back if I went home? Then again, I also know that there's no guarantee that he will ever contact me again. That's what I'm so afraid will happen. That I just sit here in NC while he moves on to the point he never comes back.