Stepping in a Different Direction

[Pax_luv]

Hello,
A couple posts back I was sharing my feelings about running out of time in terms of safely having biological children...

Zues had provided some input and asked the question if ever wanted kids and if that was something that h and I had discussed. And the answer is, yes. Both h and I did want children... It was just a matter of when.

It's hard to explain without going through the whole timeline... But we were almost there in terms of the timing being right. And by that I mean, we were in a good place financially, I had finished my masters and got the career I wanted... The next step was to start a family and we were both on the same page. Well, during that time when we were ready that's when things fell apart between h and myself. He quit his career to become an actor and told me he was buying a condo so he could stay in LA a couple nights a week and go on auditions. This was a path that he carved out for himself and did not discuss it with me once or even share his desire for this. It was almost a bomb drop. What a huge decision to make without even sharing! because i didn't have the skills needed to approach this behavior, I pulled back.... This was in the midst of my career move, too. I was so stressed out that I was balding with alopecia. The next thing that happened was h went out and bought a Harley.... Again not a single word was said to me or discussed.... I pulled back more. Again... Still in my stress bubble I was holding everything in and it was eating me alive. We were still connecting somewhat, but it wasn't great. Truth be told I was not feeling "safe" in my relationship but I didn't know it at the time. My h was getting really paranoid and got his carry permit and was sleeping with guns next to the bed, he was seeing a therapist for death anxiety, too. He was not happy and it was hard to be around him. I still told him I loved him, but it was so hard being married to him. Ok, I know I'm focusing on h here.... I have a role in this too B/c I didn't know how to deal with the emotional chaos in my relationship and career, I was stuffing everything in and trying to pretend hat everything was ok and not addressing my feelings, etc. Then, on our 4 year wedding anniversary he tells me that if we're not pregnant in 2 months there's no point in being married.

And that was it for me. I completely and utterly shutdown. I was not overtly passive aggressive, but I definitely was passive aggressive internally. I still played wife in terms of coming home and making dinner- pretending everything was ok. But it wasn't, that one sentence completely murdered me. It was another decision that he was trying to make that didn't include me or my feelings. Yes, I wanted children but to be forced into it as an ultimatum kind of took away my personhood. It's hard to explain.

From that day on, things were never the same... We also were never intimate again. It feels so long ago now.

That might be more than you wanted to know... But marriage breakdowns are mulitdimensional. Lots of coulda woulda shoulda on my end, but I didn't have the tools to do it any other way.. And I've spent the last 8 months working on myself to ensure that I never allow myself to get in that emotional state ever again.