roar, I don't have much to add other than big hugs to you. It seems like your struggling with a little boy in a big job that has some big growth to go through. I really feel bad at how much he is missing in you and your D4. I couldn't imagine life without S6. I also have a few more years of beating my head up against a wall than he does.
Don't lose sight that what you are supposed to be doing doesn't change much until A) he commits to working on the M or B) you decide to drop the rope. Stay strong, head up for D4, and keep moving.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Hey guys, thanks! I'm sticking to the plan despite not wanting to sometimes. I'm still going back and forth each and every day.
Squiggy you surely nailed it! He has some serious growth to do, he claimed he had a year alone...but I think he actually just became more stubborn, frustrated and short sighted.
Fine by me...not my circus.
Today was the first day of our road trip. Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. Last night he left at 1am...and this morning I woke up to dog pee in the bathroom floor. I asked him if he went out why wouldn't he take the dogs, because there was an accident. Then, I asked him if he ran out to talk to OW. He denied - which I still believe. He said he needed some advice from a friend because we're about to embark into unknown territory (really captain obvious?).
What kind of advice could he need, really? He wants a D, but financially can't afford it. Really. He's not willing to screw me over, because it will royally mess him up in the end.
So that was a setback - I appologized, said it wouldn't happen again and I shouldn't have asked. He said it's okay because he understands (is he DBing me? Is it rubbing off?)
But I got on with my day and was proud of myself! I still got dressed to look good, was calm with D4 all day even out to dinner. Was calm when she threw up at dinner out. Didn't get frustrated when I was stuck doing everything from walking the dogs, to bath time to bedtime. *big sigh* I'm already a single mother. I've been doing it alone for a while now...
Some realizations about my own feelings stuck out today. Am I fulfilled? No.
He was sitting at dinner with us, on his phone. My 180 is a lot less phone time, definitely not when he's talking to me and definitely not at dinner. He realized and appologized for it. He appologized for being on his phone!? Dinner was awful, we're all tired but I managed to keep my cool all day.
Win!
Things felt casual and somewhat flirty on the ride. We're both really sarcastic but we had some laughs, sang to some songs, and overall were stress free. 180 accomplished there. He's waiting for the shoe to drop...but I'm not going back to my old life. I won't do it, whether he's with me or not.
Sometimes I feel that he's still in there when he looks at me, or talks to me. Then, a lot of times I see the alien. I don't know - I don't believe what he says, his actions truly are speaking louder as are mine.
I just want to hug him, hold his hand, all of those things but I can't. That's hard too.
Keeping with my goals - tomorrow I'm shooting for the same thing: I will be positive and refrain from complainin I will be calm with D4 and nurture her, instead of scold I will do what needs to be done without stewing about not having help in my head. I will be fun and flirty, and not overanalyze the music he plays and get sad about it
Hey boo! That sounds like you did great yesterday!
Those are really good goals. I am stealing the one about what doing what needs to be done without stewing. The other day I asked H to take the trash to the road since he was at the house and I was not. They changed our trash day so I was not sure if he remembered.
He didnt, I came home with my arms full and nicely just said hey could you really quick I saw the trash people coming. Hw said after his game. I ended up doing it like 10 seconds before they showed up at my house.
I really let it bother me. I think your 180 of just doing it and accepting it and not letting it bother you I need to do too.
I hope day 2 of the road trip is going great!
Remember what are we I think it is strong,sexy, confident is our new motto!
Started off in the morning with H asking me what I thought about him getting a motorcycle. He made a comment like "I don't want you to think I'm having an MLV but..." And I said to him "I don't think you should care about my opinion on that stuff"
Ugh. I don't know why I went there - such a B thing for me to say but I was just so taken aback. This man never wanted one, he used to think they're stupid, dangerous etc. That really threw my day into a tail spin.
He snapped at me over being indecisive so that's a 180 I'll be working on. He asked something and I said "whatever you want is fine" and he got frustrated. He just wanted me to make or accept his decision. So, that's a good 180 for me to work on just for the future for myself. I hate that same thing when people say "whatever you want" because it's pressure to make the right decision for someone else. Aside from making the right decisions for D4 I don't want to make decisions for anyone else anymore.
I moped. I pouted the whole ride. I just couldn't wrap my head around this whole situation I'm in. This doesn't look like my life - I feel like I don't recognize him, or myself. None of it. I hate it, truly...
I was upset last night - he asked me if I was okay. I said no, that I still had feelings for him. I told him on the ride I didn't want to like him because he said something that just made me swoon, something stupid about planning for dinner at the hotel but it was something he had never done before. I don't want to like him like I do, romantically. I told him how I felt and he just looked at me.
Then I just had to address it - don't ask me how I feel and then just stare at me when I tell you.
Ultimately, he told me again. Everything. He even asked how many times he has to tell me, and I said as many times as I need to hear it (regret saying that, as of this morning I am done with R or past anything talk. It's dead and done).
Essentially, he doesn't see me changing. He doesn't see happiness with me. He can't give me what I need and have the career he wants. He doesn't want to try because he doesn't see happiness. I'm just not the one anymore. He admitted to not being a good husband and just an okay dad. He said even if we did stay together it wouldn't change because of his job and what he wants for his life. He kept saying it's not my fault. That our relationship lost its thrill years ago...
Rewriting history? Possibly. I don't know. It's how he feels, I can't really deny that.
After that conversation, I took a few minutes to gather my feelings. I listened to him. I could see it, I could feel it. There's just nothing left...in his eyes, his heart. Just empty. The man I loved so much is not there anymore, and this person here...is not the one for me.
I went and talked to him and told him, we can do this as friends. I won't do this anymore, kidding myself, working for a miracle. I just won't keep that hope alive. We began as friends, grew as lovers and are going to remain friends for what I hope would be the rest of our lives. I believe that, even with him as my STBXH. We talked a bit about his support system, how they helped him make this decision. One of his friends just went through a divorce but he said that this friend helped him see that he couldn't just shove his feelings down anymore. He would have, and I would have been able to fix all of this had he done that...but...I don't think he would have really changed in the process, and I didn't want to be the only one doing the work. His friends also think he's crazy for being willing to support me so I can get my LPN, but it means he benefits by us using that money to pay off debt. I'm just glad he's making these decisions for himself, and the support he has is helping him work through it.
I know I haven't been truly happy either, and I know I'm not just feeling this way because he does. I was the WAW first. I walked away because I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel wanted or appreciated. I didn't feel much other than friendship. I wanted a relationship that was more than a friendship with him, I wanted to be more than someone who just took care of the kids, cleaned the house, held down the fort. I want to be cared for, I want someone do to nice things for me like make me coffee in the morning. You know, H did that for me once...before I got up, I remember it like it was yesterday. It was Easter. I was so happy, it made me so happy to know he thought about me enough to do that for me. Those little things. Holidays. All of these things I said weren't important turned out to be, especially when your relationship doesn't exist. Especially when you're desperate for attention, for love. I know that he tried, but it was empty. I know he stopped truly loving me years ago, because he truly stopped caring to know me as we grew.
Now I'm here. Past denial into acceptance of the fact that I need to DB, 180 as much as I can for MYSELF. I don't see things changing. I don't see us being a success story. I know as I change he'll think that it's because we're better as friends than together but I still will take advantage of the time that I'm given, to improve for myself.
I woke up this morning feeling good. I'm ready to tackle this new life. Ready to move forward, to create a friendship with a man I believe to be a good person despite the rockiness of the past couple of months. I see where I went wrong clearly - hindsight is 20/20. Now, I'm focusing on the future. On my future. On D4s future. I did this a year alone, I did it and more than survived. I thrived. That's a sign. I don't need anyone.
My opinion - you need to attract him again. You can't talk any sense into him. You have to be confident and sexy like when you first met him. Have some swagger when you are around him.
Dont offer friendship or tell him you have feelings for him. Dont pout. Remember - you are a sexy young woman, act like it! Fake it if you have to (without overdoing it).
Show him what he's risking losing! Get focused! Start working out and getting in awesome shape! Strut it!
NO man wants to lose a woman (even if he says he doesn't think he loves her anymore) when she is hot to trot!!!
Thornton, thank you! You're absolutely right! I turned it around today. :] I really think he may come around, but he's already telling close friends about the D, so who knows. He's a private person too...so it throws a red flag up for me.
Today was great! I did everything I needed to do and relaxed about the situation. We talked about a few things objectively and it was fine. I'm sitting here on the couch after he went to bed...just ditched. Normally I would be a little peeved. I actually felt nothing. I took a shower and did the chores. I won't lie I was a little frustrated I'm still pulling 80% of the weight for everything BUT...I'm not complaining to him about it and not "punishing" him for it.
I don't know what I want to do right now, drop the rope or stand? I feel like dropping the rope may be best but it's too soon to truly tell. I'm sticking to the plan, I have time and I'm going to use it. That I will stick too. I'm enjoying this detaching process.
Today he did some things that reminded me that old me would have been pissy about his actions, but as a "friend" I honestly could let it go much easier. I don't know, I know I'm changing. He told me I never would but he doesn't know me anymore. He doesn't know what I value, what I love and want.
I am changing, for me. 180s are making me feel amazing about myself as a person and now that he's here to see me in action, I think it will sink in.
After a good day today he ran out, I think he might expect me to be frustrated tomorrow but guess whaaaaat...I'm good! More than good.
That is so nice to read!!! Sounds like you are on the right path!
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
He snapped at me over being indecisive so that's a 180 I'll be working on. He asked something and I said "whatever you want is fine" and he got frustrated. He just wanted me to make or accept his decision. So, that's a good 180 for me to work on just for the future for myself. I hate that same thing when people say "whatever you want" because it's pressure to make the right decision for someone else. Aside from making the right decisions for D4 I don't want to make decisions for anyone else anymore.
I have this same problem. I am SUPER indecisive. The other day when my H let me know he is 99.9% MOVING 45-60 mins away for a few MONTHS to house sit a friends house I did the same thing you did. I tried not to cry(he told me in the car.) I said I didn't want to talk about it and he got frustrated. I said you made your decision so what does it matter. If that is what you want to do then fine..etc It is HARD so hard to not want to be defensive and upset when our wah throw some crazy idea they are going to do regardless of how we feel. Right then I had accepted if he is going to move that far that we should be done and not wait any longer for the D. It was horrible, I was so upset all day and just tried to hold in it. I feel you pain girly.
My WAH does the same of how many times do I need to tell you I will not change my mind blah blah when he brings up the D. We haven't talked about it since but in one argument in early January he told me I can be in denial ALL I want but it is happening. I think it is more of them reassuring themselves of, this is what I want and if I say it enough times out loud then it will come true.
Originally Posted By: thornton
Hey Roar,
It's only over if you want it to be.
My opinion - you need to attract him again. You can't talk any sense into him. You have to be confident and sexy like when you first met him. Have some swagger when you are around him.
Dont offer friendship or tell him you have feelings for him. Dont pout. Remember - you are a sexy young woman, act like it! Fake it if you have to (without overdoing it).
Show him what he's risking losing! Get focused! Start working out and getting in awesome shape! Strut it!
NO man wants to lose a woman (even if he says he doesn't think he loves her anymore) when she is hot to trot!!!
Get back in the game!
I LOVE this advice from thornton. I am taking this advice as well because It sounds like really good advice! I am trying this right now.
YOU ARE DOING GREAT lovely! I think we both had great turn around days after our bad days. I took your advice with letting things go that normally would frustrate me. Made me day way easier. Instead of being annoyed, I just took a breathe, told myself to get over it, and moved on.
Fingers crossed for a great day again for you <3
xoxo Red ps- I hope all my quotes and colors come out right. I am trying to do this from my computer so I hope it doesn't turn into a hot mess when I press submit!
