Wife has filed for divorce

[trumpet]

Excile,

Read up on you sitch. Lots of commonality. Read up on mine, you might enjoy it.

I'm a porn addict who watched porn before I was married. Wife had lots of self-esteem/body issues, including getting raped in college, bulimic the year we got married, and has control issues, most likely stemming from an emotionally abused mother. It's like an activity of connect-the-dots that I've done over the last 4 months. I'm 113 days 'clean', and won't be going back. The porn for me was an escape - my wife is very low libido, or claims to be. I have always been high libido, partly because I used sexual release to releave stress. I distanced from my wife and my friends, and my wife had issues with a thyroid. A PA 3 years ago, and now an EA.

Anyway, I'm here to help in any way I can. To men, trying to change is logical and a way to 'pound the nails' you as a hammer see in front of you. Emotion-controlled women, like yours, do not think logically. I didn't think logically using porn for all those years - I was wiring my brain to need it to feel ok about myself.

Get lots of exercise. GAL'ing/DB'ing won't make sense until you can let your wife go, and still love her. You'll need to be in a place where you've forgiven her, she probably won't forgive you (that's why she's wayward), and you'll be able to love her without love returning to you. No way to reconcile until your wife is no longer wayward. My wife is still in withdrawls, and talked to OM this week, so she backslid, and it's got me upset, and disappointed. However, after 4 months, I'm way more content in myself, got a promotion, have lost A LOT of anger because of the shame of the porn, and realize I'll be OK without her. I really hang on the shame of having caused her to file a D that will devastate the kids. She put a stoppage on the divorce, but every slip back to texting/talking to OM puts her back to square one in the recovery - like sliding back to the first 3 squares in the shoots and ladders game.

Hang in there. Really, this is no short-term fix. Don't move out of the house for ANY reason. It's her anger talking. If she's on dating/texing websites, she's getting her thrill from the chase. It might have to run it's course, and with her filing, the D might go through. You don't control that portion of the program anymore.

You can learn to forgive yourself.
You can learn to forgive your wife.
What does that look like? (it's a great question to answer)
You can make changes in yourself to never go back to porn. It's a slope that men get on, and rationalize sin.
You can make changes your wife sees, but are really for you, and for you alone. YOU ALONE.

Imagine being able to watch yourself converse with your wife from 5 feet above and behind your head. Like a guardian angel above you. Imagine letting her hurt and anger just go through you like you were invisible. Imagine telling her you understand she's hurt and angry. It must have been tough to carry your secret, carrying the water for the family.
Don't expect her to apologize. It might take years, dude. Just drink the STFU (shut the frak up) smoothie, and listen.
Go to church, learn the love of Jesus that passes all understanding, unconditional love. It's what we're supposed to model. It doesn't mean your a pushover - it means you forgive (back to that forgiveness question).

Sorry to go on and on. Fire questions away at me... happy to help.