Red - He is going to absolutely try to "feel you out". He is going to want to be your "friend". Don't let him use your kids as a pawn to get you to talk to him - I think you did great today. I am proud of you. Just stay calm and cool when speaking to him and then cry after. My H did the same thing and he wants to be my friend whenever he is feeling guilty about the OW. Doesn't make him feel remorse and want to come back. So, I say keep detaching, keep acting "as if". Take care of yourself, take care of your kids. I like that your L seems to be giving you good advice not to rush into anything, to breathe and think things through. This is a huge emotional shock and the pain feels physical. Is your mom there yet? I am very glad you seem to already have a L in place and found this site before you found out. I wish I would have done those two things. You are obviously smarter and stronger than you feel right now. Keep on keeping on - you made it through last night and you will put one foot in front of the other and make it every day. It won't be easy but you will! ((hugs))
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
You won't stop thinking about this situation just by wanting to forget it.
It will happen with time.
What you can do is to to answer his questions about the kids like you are talking to a friend. It's not that he is a fried. You will act "AS IF"
NC is for you, your feelings, your own life and turmoil. These are the details he does not need to know.
Keep it going like:
H - Hi, I am just calling to know how the kids are doing.
Red - Hi H, the kids are doing well, thanks for asking.
H- So, what you guys up to today?
Red - not much, we did stuff at home and we ran some errands. Just taking it easy today. Well, need to go. Hope you have a nice day, good bye!
When you off the phone, you scream and curse him if you are not in front of the kids.
Is this hard? YES...YES...YES... its super hard to maintain your composure in the midst of the pain.
But don't give him emunitions when you know he has the guns all ready in your direction.
Besides, you don't want him to think that he is doing the right thing. You want him to be puzzled and think.
Right now he is in s mix of hating you, hating you because he still likes you and I think he even cares for you, enfatuated with his A, and feeling extremely guilty for what he is doing to his family.
He is the stew on a crock pot. He wants to project his problems and guilty onto you right now.
Play the game, don't let him use your pain against you, use your pain to your own benefit.
Try to maintain kids apart. Some couples take a long time to R, but if they have kids they will be constantly in contact.
Look at my situation I have big kids, but XH always talk to me first. And that is not too bad because we have those chances to interact and be nicer to each other.
If he says nasty things when you are talking to him on the phone, them say you won't talk to him if he continuos. If he does then you hang up. When he calls again, tell him right away that you won't talk to him if he doesn't want to be respectful.
Does that sounds like a plan? If so, give your best try.
He wants to be your "best friend" because that way he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the excitement of the OW with the security of keeping you in his life. He wants you there with all your history and emotional support while he runs off and has his fun in the A. They all do this.
I am very bitter today thinking of how happy he is while I cry my days away. I'm angry. I mean angry and bitter and furious
I talked to my marriage therapist..counselor whatever you want to call her.
She pretty much hates my wah. She called him a worthless piece of crap and told me I need accept that I'm in my anger stage.
I have been stuck in denial and begging and now I'm angry. She said I can never take him back because he will just cheat on me over and over and is a sociopath.
Shes never met him.
She is kinda pro divorce for a marriage counselor.
She said I need to just feel the anger and try to move to acceptance or whatever the next step is.
I really think that once you heal from this is when H will feel the pain. I don't think walk aways escape the consequences of their actions.
My ex-wife left me 11 years ago. It killed me. She met someone else and I was dying. I slowly got over her and found someone new. Then SHE started pursuing me and threatening suicide.
It's crazy how the tables turned.
Red, you are going to get through this. It's going to hurt, but you are going to grow from this. It will take some time to process the pain (I'm going through it too) but you will feel better.
Your H is a jackass for leaving a great girl like you, he just doesn't know it yet. But he will.
Agree with everyone above - he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Takes away the guilt and shame. Absolutely no reason to be his friend right now. No begging, pursuing or pleading either.
Pink gave you great specifics about remaining cool, calm and detached when he tries to use the kids to interact with you. On a side note about the kids, if you decide to try to explain to your H how hurt or sad your kids are, he will just think you are trying to manipulate him back into your M. There is no reasoning with a WAH - take it from me. Do your best to just focus on yourself and your kiddos. I hope your mom gets there very soon. You need physical hugs and unconditional love!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
