Red, do not dream that this pain will go away anytime soon. You could even recover a lot faster from a shot in your head or a stab in your body.
Emotional pain is tough. It goes away and when you think you are getting better, it comes and hit you down again.
Don't ignore it, don't underestimate it... instead deal with it, accept it... day after day you will manage it better. It is not going away very soon, but you will know how to handle it better as the time goes by.
The way I did regarding OW: (I am not always perfect but I try my best)
* I told my XH that I did not want my kids involved, close or talking about OW in any way or form. This was not a request, this was an order, period.
* I told his mom that I will visit their house until XH has another person visiting them. At that point I will decline any invitation if XH is there with OW. Again not just a request. It is my rule and period.
* I told XH that I do not want to be humiliated and he is all over the place with OW right on my face. I told him if he did, I would make his life miserable as much as I could. So do not step on my feet.
All this was business. I stated what was my boundaries regarding the B***h and no room for negotiation.
About what they do or don't by themselves, if they are together or not... well, it is not my business and I am OK with that.
In my sitch OW was never something that bother me too much because I knew some of the reason XH did that. He was being an idiot and took the easy way out. Some sitches are different and OW may be something else.
*** Be careful doing deals with your H, do not go into thinking you can deal with him about less this or that. You do not want to be unfair, but if it goes to D, let your L look at all aspects of the picture first. Do not tell you H anything that you may be OK of dealing with him. Do not feel sorry for the bastard.
You can love him to death, but you are not sorry if his financial life is ruined. He promoted this situation for himself. And he knows it. So, be careful he will play the poor me card on you at some point in time.
Remember that D is business.
CHICKEN SOUP... if you start with a few spoons at a time, it will help the stomach, it will help with mood, it taste pretty good, it will boost energy and it will protect your immune system and you won't get fat with it.
And a little bit of FIREMAN for that big smile on your face... made with some chocolate on the side? Or ice cream? I know you will laugh about it... You see, you are hurt, but not dead. Kkkkk
Thank you guys. My next step for ad ice which I KNOW will be a HUGE fight is the house.
He said he would never be the type of man yo bring a girl into our bed, with our kids, in our house. I fully 100% believe my daughter is not lying. Before I was confused but even though he still denies I do not believe him.
How do I tell him I'm staying home and he can take the kids and deal with it.
I was thinking of saying next time he wants them okay d&s will be packed and ready with car seats to be taken to your parents to spent the night at 3 pm or you can come here but I'm no longer leaving anymore nights.
He will fight me..say I'm unfair etc and I know he is moving to his friends far away and wouldnt be able to keep them there and wanted to come here..sleep here..keep them here..but no.
If he is with her..I do not want him sleeping and sharing my bed.
I do not know if his parents want the kids over there everytime and will think I am making his life miserable. So I let him get off the hook and only hangout until bed time and leave ( I feel like he would do this) and never keep them overnight if I will not leave?
What do I do..do I leave so my kids get to see him and hope she isnt at my house them and do 2 am drive bys everytime just incase?
Help. This is my newest stress.
I slept for a few hour nap in bed with both my babies. I needed it.
Don't ask about ow. He won't tell you the truth anyway. Act as if she's as inconsequential as a fly. Remember that you are his W and she's just a home wrecker. Hold your head up high and confuse the heck out of him.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Here's what I'd do: Talk to the L about temporary child support and visitation. You *need* a regular income, it is not right that you should have to ask for money for food for the children.
Once you get the figures from the L (this is a worksheet that shouldn't take more than 30 minutes to figure out), ask the L what reasonable visitation would be in your circumstances and state.
Ask the L if you have to give him access to the home for visitation or other purposes other than getting his things.
Once you have that information (and I'd try to get that on Monday), you can e-mail WAH and tell him: "These are the state guidelines for child support, can we set up an automatic draw from your account to mine on a weekly basis? I would prefer that we come to an agreement between the two of us, and these are state regulations so not really anything to disagree over."
Then send a separate e-mail and say, "I'd like for us to come up with a regular schedule for visitation so both I and the children can get into a routine. Please let me know many days/nights you would prefer to have the children and how often."
Knowledge is power, and if you go by state guidelines, there's no real room for argument.
You can also look into a temporary separation agreement - it doesn't have to go into a D - although some L are like that, they only want to funnel you through the process asap. That agreement could regulate things like having OP around the children.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I'm about a week and a half out and I still have the same fears. By kicking him out, did I make it impossible for any sort of R. By going NC have I made it easier for him to go (he had had a breakdown seeing how hard this was on me, crying in the kitchen floor). I told a lot of "his" people (friends and family) in the hope that they'll snap him out of his affair fog. I'm trying to give space and time for him to miss his home and his life. And I'm working on me, doing IC and antidepressants and walking more and not sleeping for 14 hours.
And I have no clue if any of it will get me what I want; just a chance to work on our relationship . The only advice I can give you is that at the end of this all, one way or another, we'll both be fine. And we'll learn to want and love new things. And right now is not the time to worry about that. Now is the time to just be hurt, scared and angry. To hug the pillow or sleep on the couch (as I did, last night was my first sleep in our bed). Adult coloring books are fun and they dull the mind a bit. Be with people you love.
A quote from my FB group: "There's an old saying that" what doesnt kill you makes you stronger." I don't believe that. I believe what tries to kill you makes you sad and angry. Strength comes from the good things- your family, your friends the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that'll keep you whole. Those are the things to hold onto when you're broken. "
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Is it bad that I'm so scared if I go that he will go file for divorce the next day just to get rid of us faster and be done with it.
He can never get rid of the kids. And D is just a piece of paper, it's not going to decide what happens with the two of you.
Right now, he is in a fog from the A. All you can do, is be true to your own values, try to stay calm, try to be the rational and stable one. It's a lot on your shoulders.
A calm request for child support and a schedule is not going to make him go file for D. Not asking is not going to prevent him from doing it. Very little you do can make him do or not do anything - you really have no control of his actions at all, only your own. If anything, it may snap him back to reality a little bit, that he realizes he won't be able to continue eating cake.
*He* is the one who has moved out, started a R with OW, has changed the rules. There are consequences to that, M is a legal contract.
Don't feel bad for still wanting him, those feelings don't go away with a snap of the fingers. You two have a history together, a M, children. He has been processing this for a long time, you just found out.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Hi Red, you won't need to ask if OW is near your kids as they will tell you. Also you ask about her, you are showing to H that you care. What you want him to realise is that you will be fine on your own without him. Yes she was your BF, but honestly who would cheat with their best friend's H.
Let your H files if he want but if it's not what you want don't do it.
Regarding the cousin's wedding, we are in February and it's in April. You still have time to decide what you want to do, again no rush here. It's up to you if you want to go. If you don't want and you'll know she will be there, decided what the best is for you.
It's hard as you have had a traumatic shock. Don't try to do everything at once, like you I couldn't eat, so went for last resort technic : chocolate :-)!
Thank you guys. So much. I struggled today. I ate chocolate. I took a nap. I called my lawyers cell( he gave me it.) He emailed me the paperwork for the temporary custody and child support. He told me to look at it. Breathe. Give it a few days. Figure out my plan and call him later. He is more then happy to do whatever I want to do.
Piece of crap husband and I got into a fight(thats a fight for us. Before this we never fought. Ever) and I cried after.
He texts 2 about paying my bill, 1 asked if the kids are okay.
I said: okay I'll pay the full balance. Yes they are fine.
He then asked what we did today..3-4 hello. Stop ignoring me. Hello texts.
Called my house 3x. Handed the phone to my kids.D5 told him everything we did today from drinking water to she took 2 poops and wore 2 shirts etc. She is big into details.
He talked to s3 and then s3 hung up. He said if I WANT to be childish and refuse to taln about our children then I can be a childish bit*h.
I answered his next call. Hello? Is there something we need to discuss about the kids?
douchbag: no you just said they are fine and nothing else. What did you do today. Why are you ignoring me. Whats wrong.
Me: I told you they were fine, d5 told you we stayed home and ran errands. Is there something we need to discuss about the kids? I'm not in a small talk mood so unless it is about the kids I will talk to you later.
Cheating man wh*re: why dont you want small talk. Why are you being so childish. You KNOW WHAT WHATEVER BE A CHILDISH BITCH I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER
Me: click.
Then I cried. I JUST NEED SPACE TO BREATHE TODAY. I didnt want him to say I was refusing to talk to him to a lawyer about the kids. He makes me feel awful.
YESTERDAY HE SAYS HE IS SLEEPING WITH MY EX BEAT FRIEND
I cant be his friend today. I just want to curse him out and cry.
A calm request for child support and a schedule is not going to make him go file for D. Not asking is not going to prevent him from doing it. Very little you do can make him do or not do anything - you really have no control of his actions at all, only your own. If anything, it may snap him back to reality a little bit, that he realizes he won't be able to continue eating cake.
*He* is the one who has moved out, started a R with OW, has changed the rules. There are consequences to that, M is a legal contract.
Don't feel bad for still wanting him, those feelings don't go away with a snap of the fingers. You two have a history together, a M, children. He has been processing this for a long time, you just found out.
This is what I needed to hear today. In my head I'm like doing nothing maybe he will not file..but I need to stop worrying about him.
