Just highlighting some things that I think are important from today's interactions with H but do feel free to offer thoughts/suggestions if you have any:
1. He just wants some peace. (Me: I thought you'd had peace for the last 3 months, H: It doesn't feel like it). Note to self - go darker! Possibly do not be in same room when he visits?
2. He thinks he is stepping up as a father right now! Very sad that he thinks how he treats them right now is being a good father. Note to self - need to remind myself constantly that H is not himself and this is as much as he can give right now.
3. H looks sad permanently, never smiles, still struggling to sleep, still angry all the time. Note to self - I am not the cause of this and I cannot make H see that he needs some help.
4. H doesn't like it when I do things with kids without him knowing even though I know nothing about what he is up to when he's not here. Is this a sign that being dark is working?
5. H wants me to do things with him and kids 'because the kids will want me to.' Is this really him wanting me to go but he can't say it as it would show some kind of softening on his part?
6. I have felt happier the last few days since deciding to make a few changes in the house (decorative) without so much as a mention to H. Feel like I am taking some control of my own life back instead of feeling like I am thrashing about in H's ocean of chaos.
1. He just wants some peace. (Me: I thought you'd had peace for the last 3 months, H: It doesn't feel like it). Note to self - go darker! Possibly do not be in same room when he visits?
Not sure if you not being in the room will change anything. You need to try different things, find out what works best for you. Not looking for him to show a reaction. If it helps you get through it then do it.
2. He thinks he is stepping up as a father right now! Very sad that he thinks how he treats them right now is being a good father. Note to self - need to remind myself constantly that H is not himself and this is as much as he can give right now.
yes he is not himself. He cant see what he is doing wrong or good. Hopefully he grows up and sees what he is doing and make clear actions to want to fix it.
3. H looks sad permanently, never smiles, still struggling to sleep, still angry all the time. Note to self - I am not the cause of this and I cannot make H see that he needs some help.
I too see this with my MLC'r. so much pain they feel and their struggle. You can see it in their eyes and face. You are not the cause nor are your children. Your H has to see there are consequences for his behavior. I don't think he's felt them yet.
4. H doesn't like it when I do things with kids without him knowing even though I know nothing about what he is up to when he's not here. Is this a sign that being dark is working?
It's you GAL and if it upsets him let it. He chose not to participate in the family. You and your kids are a family still, just H stepped out. Let him watch from the sidelines.
5. H wants me to do things with him and kids 'because the kids will want me to.' Is this really him wanting me to go but he can't say it as it would show some kind of softening on his part?
It might be him wanted you to go. I hope that's the case. It might be cake eating or maybe so you can handle the kids. Who knows. You can't question his actions or comments until he shows true remorse and wants to fix things.
6. I have felt happier the last few days since deciding to make a few changes in the house (decorative) without so much as a mention to H. Feel like I am taking some control of my own life back instead of feeling like I am thrashing about in H's ocean of chaos.
GAL right there. taking care of you and your family including the house. Make it your place. H will surely see this and he might comment on it and he might not. Since he's in the house he surely see's it
Keep on your path Inpain. I see a strong women slowly seeing what she needs to do to make it through this.
Hugs
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
As the title says, I really can't take anymore! I feel like I'm going to explode into a pit of despair. Last night my Dad was rushed to A&E in an ambulance and after a few frantic texts and calls to WAH I managed to follow on while he sat with the kids. Thankfully my Dad is fine but needs some more test later in the week. But it's just like the straw that broke the camel's back. I can't take anymore. H was very kind and caring and even managed to unblock me from whatsapp so that I could stay in touch.
I've also lost the necklace H bought me for our 15th anniversary in Sept - searched high and low. Devastated about that too - probably the last thing he will ever buy me.
I broke down in front of H this afternoon and said I can't take anymore, told him to just tell me if he's never coming home. He shouted at me that he is never, ever, ever coming home. I asked him why he hasn't started D proceedings and he calmly said he doesn't know, that people he works with keep asking what he plans to do and he tells them he doesn't know either. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to come back just for the house and kids but hasn't liked me for years!
He said he'd come round later tonight but then text saying he's not in the mood and to tell the kids he loves them. I knew he wouldn't come round again today, he never does if we have any kind of conversation.
He either genuinely doesn't know what to do or he knows he wants to D but hasn't the guts to do it.
I don't feel like I have the physical or mental strength to do any of this anymore. Sick of feeling like I'm dragging a lead weight on my back day in day out but at the same time I know there is no choice. Tomorrow will be the same, and the day after and I am sick of it all.
You have the strength. It's in there somewhere. Don't believe anything he says. He doesn't even know what he wants. Tomorrow might be worse or better, but we just have to keep breathing. You don't deserve that lead weight but acknowledge it and keep walking until it's light as a feather.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
IP I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Keep faith that with further tests the docs will find out. I know I'm not near you, but I'm right next to you mentally. You can count on me.
Regarding your H, at the moment he isn't your priority. YOU, your kids and your dad are! Let's have a look at what you said.
You have been able to be with your dad while your H was with kids. If he really was a nasty piece of merde, he'd not have cared. Thank him for helping you in a difficult situation.
Are you living together? Eating together? Being intimidate? No, so truthfully you are already divorced! Sorry to be blunt but you have nothing to loose in moving forward with your life. You are already doing it. Go LRT, go dark as at the moment you have a lot on your plate and you don't need H's indecision!
You are going through a difficult time and was looking for comfort from H. It didn't come. You are an amazing woman and a very good mum. Here there is nothing you can do. Your H has to deal with his own issues. Today is hard but tomorrow is another day.
Regarding filling, mine hasn't done it because it will cost him a lot of money, so I know that once the house is sold I'm expecting it. If he doesn't know I'll take it as him being confused and not wanting to rush into anything. So (without putting your hopes high, I see it as a good thing). Comparing to my case where money is the issue!
If you have to go LRT or dark, do it for your own emotional sanity! Are you seeing IC? Have you considered to go to doc and see if you could be help to take the edge off things?
My STBXH didn't ask me about how were my parents. The have always welcomed him, my mum even bought some food that likes and that I hate. Our H are no longer thee one we married, and to be honest would you be with someone like him right now?
I know it's really hard and out situation are very similar. Please put the focus back on you and your family (kids and dad). You'll get through this I promise you.
Sending you tons of hugs ((((((((((IP)))))))))))))
Thanks for the hugs Rouky and the well wishes for my Dad. He had a TIA but I was told initially he'd had a stroke. I was physically shaking driving to the hospital.
I think it's H's niceness I can't take. If he doesn't want to be with me then I just don't want to see him. I told him so today. I've probably broken every DB rule there is but today I just don't care. I've had enough of pussy footing round him and validating and being Mrs Nice while he just mopes around, still thinking and deciding. He actually had the gall to say to me this afternoon that he is still here to do things for me. I told him I don't want someone to do things for me I want someone to love me and be my husband and that if he doesn't want to do that then I'd rather never see him. I'm tired of his passifying little things that he does but then still clears off at the end of it back to his dad's house. It's unbelievable to have still not made a decision. Maybe he should toss a coin and decide our fates that way!
Sorry, I'm venting and ranting, I've just really had enough of him stringing us all along. Thanks for being there Rouky!
Oh and just now he sent me a photo of his tablet with a film on in his Dad's dining room. With a message saying it was to prove that he wasn't lying and is at his Dad's!?!?!
I'm sorry you are struggling in pain. You are not alone.
The pain can be debilitating, I know.
Considering what h said, I would suggest backing way off. Let him go for now. I'm in nc with my saw and its hard but I thinks easier than listening to them spew.
No need to worry and vent as much as you want. Regarding being nice with H, don't do it to get him back, do it because it makes you feel good! Because you are feeling at peace when you do it.
If it likes my kids, sometimes I have to toss the coin 3 times for everyone to be happy! I fully understand your limbo, you have to do what feels right for you, if it's going against DB rules then so be it. We are all human and we are entitle to make mistakes!
What are your plans for tomorrow? I have been to a health shop and I was advice to take some fish oil, vitamins D to help deal with my situation. I have been using them for the last 2 weeks and I feel no more different than if I was on AD!
There is no shame in getting help from natural medicines.
As I said our situation is very similar, I'm a bit ahead of you and I'm feeling better. Please focus on you, start to enjoy every little thing everyday. Today was the bird tweeting, even if it was early than I wanted to be I loved it. Wishing I was closer to you, so I'd be able to help you more. (((((((((( hugs IP))))))))
