I guess respect and admiration are the first steps to winning this battle?
I would say so.
I would say no.
The first step to winning this battle is busting up the affair. You (or she) can respect and admire the heck out of each other but as long as there remains a third party interfering in your marriage, you don't stand a chance.
Now if by "respect" you mean -
A wife that demands her husband allow her to remain friends and in contact with her affair partner doesn't respect her husband....
Then I would agree that she needs a modicum of respect for her husband, her family and, quite frankly, herself, to actually establish and maintain "no contact" herself. However, even that doesn't matter much. The OM in my situation dumped my wife after he was exposed as an adulterer to his friends and family. My wife had no choice in "no contact" and would have probably preferred riding the fence cake eating for a few more weeks, months...years. I probably would have ended up divorced if I simply waited for her to "get it". However, after a few weeks of "no contact" she started realizing what a fool she had been and despite having zero respect or feelings towards me decided for herself that "no contact" was what she wanted to and despite not feeling it...to give reconciliation a fair shot. The rest is history.
The point is....you don't need respect or remorse FIRST. You only need "no contact" and THEN you have a chance to get respect and remorse....eventually.
GB, a couple of months ago you advised me to gather some intel to determine once and for all if h was still with ow. I don't know if you remember, but H was leaving for 6 months for a job across the country. I did not take your advice.
I chose to believe him when he said it was over. He still says it is over and I kind of believe him. But I don't know, and now that he is not here I have no way to find out. I wish I had taken your advice then. H is still angry and alternates between anger and silence and I really wish if I knew if I was dealing with a wayward H or just an angry H. It would mean a huge difference to me in my commitment.
I just wanted to let you know that I regret not taking your advice. You were right. I should have listened to you. Being in limbo is the hardest thing. Please keep posting and sharing your perspective. It is helpful.
