Just wanted to send you positive thoughts and tell you how sorry for you and your son.
I have watched your threads fairly closely for over a year now...i always had hope for you!
You have shown resolve, compassion, caring and so much more. The love you have chosen now (tough love) is exactly what you must do. I applaud your courage to protect yourself and to let go this last time.
I do hope you stick around, you have helped so many people...i am grateful to you for it!
Those chemicals released in our brains during an infatuation are difficult, near impossible to pull away from… developed to ensure survival of the species. I’d say they did/do their job! But as you are well aware, these chemicals have nothing to do with “True Love”. True love is what you have showed your wife. Unfortunately, she has rejected it.
Cali, you are a model DB’er and have done what I believe we all should do to save our marriages… everything, plus then some. I know you have not made your decision lightly. Now that you have, don’t waver for a moment. Continue to move forward with resolve and don’t look back.
I know things can get nasty in a D, but I trust you will stick to the high road and always be able to hold your head high. I am wishing you and your family all the best during this difficult time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Where to start ...So since all this hit the fan, I took a step back. As much as possible I have not been 'home' (if you want to call it that. I have been focused on work/finding a house/ but even during that time thinking about all this and analyzing.
We had gotten into it Saturday as I said ... like she was just looking for a fight. I have tracked things for the past years on my calendar ... just little notes for the day. She would be really nice and all that up till she snuck out with OM then after .. yup mini-monster. Saturday I told her I would move out as we obviously were not getting better, she wanted me to stay till the end of May. This was a red flag .... she was using me financially and fully intended to do this for another 3 months and continue her affair ....WHY>? rings in my head ... but I know better than to try to sort out MLC.
I thought I had a nice little house lined up .. cheap and perfect for S me and the dog but its looking like its a scam.People find homes that are on the market, place ads to rent them out and want you to wire them money for depsoit to hold the place, more money to fill out the application. Its so darn expensive out here, I am just going to have to bite the bullet and really tighten the belt. So the search continues for a place.
I spoke with S last night. Apparently W talked to him about OM, asked S if he liked OM, and S said "no" ... W then professed her love for OM, he is a good guy, and asked S to give OM a chance. I did not say anything about it other than to tell S I was proud of him for being honest and he should always say exactly how he feels, and I want him to speak up to me if he has questions or is confused. He asked me why OM was back, thought W promised to be better and asked what happened. I told him I could not tell him exactly what happened but W has made a choice and I have accepted it, and I promised him we would have a better life from this day forward regardless of the choices W makes.
W has been texting the past few days, nothing I felt I needed to respond to, I have not even spoken to her since Tuesday other than answered her when she asked what time S's practice was. She is back to Shark eyes and just gone. She called this mornign wanting specifics on when I would be giving her docs that are in my car, asked who would be filing, then started Monster and I hung up on her. She is concerned about the $$ aspect of the divorce, she will have to pay me. Not that I want the $$, but the way I see it .. any dollar I give up is a dollar that should be going to S who did not ask for this.... she made the choice to have an A, I stood ... she came back commited to the M and promised me she would never do that again .... and here we are, she could have told me, asked for a D and then went off happily ever after with OM, but no .... she chose to lie/betray/and cheat on me again ... her choice/her character and S should not have to suffer for that .. MLC or not.
As far as the religion thing. We were married in a Catholic church, so yeah that is the only marriage that the church recognizes. A good friend of mine called me asking how I was doing ( his wife seen my FB post asking if anyone knew of good Apt complexes in the area) ... he is one of the few who knows the sitch. WE talked about this ... he told me that I have gone above and beyond and should not feel any guilt in walking away from this M. He is not catholic but understood. Not like I am looking to jump into another R, I am pretty damaged good at the moment, along with really struggling to understand what this was all for, what lesson did I need to learn out of all this. He mentioned the lesson I needed was to be able to look in the mirror and know in my heart I did everything I could. Maybe this is true I don't know.
As far as how I am doing, its been tough. Tuesday night I may have gotten 2 hours sleep. Honestly I just can not believe it, I mean ... she is like a drug addict. So a mix of disbelief along with anger and add in a good ounce of hurt. I am definitely the enemy once again, and thats ok ... I have the 'been there done that' shirt and know how to handle it, I will be just fine.
The thing in the back of my head is I know how this goes .. all the cycles. I arrived at a place I stood for my M and hoped we could work things out. Now, sure I could continue my stance .. play the game, drop rope let her go is what I am doing ... but I know at some time she will hit bottom and attempt to suck me in. I want nothing to do with the dysfunction that follows her, the damage she has done, I mean who would EVER want to be with someone capable of this?? (She is currently blowing up my phone ... this is all my fault, all the past things I did or didn't do .. justifying away in her MLC brain)
So ... I am centered for the most part but gladly completely detached as nothing has phased me since I wrote the note in my mind she is dead to me as harsh as that sounds. I seen a thing on FB about the hardest things to do is mourn the life of someone who is not dead. I cycle through the emotions but not to intense to be honest, no where nearly as bad as BD1. There is a part of me in very much the same place as last year looking forward to the new chapter in my life and removing myself from this hurricane that has annihilated my life, regroup and rebuild time for me ... and I have some serious healing to do.
My faith is still intact, I gave W to God Tuesday, only thing I can do ... I still pray for her, not for her to wake of reconcile ... but for Him to help her. I try not to judge and go all preacher, but the fact she gave up worrying and anger for Lent .. not the affair mind you ... continuing her A and going to church with me ... it baffles me how jacked up she is, and I am very curious to see what her life ends up like ... I will have no choice to be connected because of S.
I will post more once I land a place or there is something of note to actually say ... W is back to script and in full Replay at this time.
Good to hear from you Cali. You have been on my mind so much, I still feel in a state of disbelief. Like Sotto said above, it has really had an effect on me.
Something you said above struck something I think very often about my own sitch. It's not so much the train of thought they get into, that the grass is greener on the other side, that they think they are missing out on a better life....it's the WAY they do it. To string us along, the lies and deceit, to actually hand out strings of hope, just to keep us in place as plan B. I know this is normal MLC script, but it's baffling to me that someone can treat another this way.
Your wife is going to see her behavior for what it is some day, it won't be pretty. The fact she talked to your son about this POS really sums it up. She is one very lost soul.
I am not one to tell people what to do, and you sound to be clear on your thinking, but please get yourself and your son away from her mess Cali. I worry about you, you are such a kind man, but this is, as others have said, abusive. Please don't think her behavior is any kind of reflection on who you are. Her occasional guilt is causing the abusive spews. It's not you!
I am praying you find yourself a home very soon. I know what it's like to live in an expensive area, it makes it so much harder. You live in a beautiful city. Sometimes contacting a property manager can pull up some good deals.
Don't worry about W financial situation either, let it be her problem.
Hang in their my friend, I just know that as soon as you get your distance from this, it will get better for you. It won't be easy, I sense your W will continue to lean on you for comfort and support, you will need to be very strong.
I believe you are ready for this, you have been through so much, I imagine some peace and calm will serve you well. Could that be part of the "why"? Your W has been a bit of a handful, maybe that was all getting you ready to be strong and ready enough for this moment. No one can say you haven't given it your all, and then some.
I admire you so much Cali. Please keep us updated on how you are when you can.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Hello, my sweet friend. I am so sorry this has happened.
I want you to hear this...This has nothing to do with your worth, your ability to give her what she thinks she needs or anything else. It is about her being really and truly broken. That is not an excuse. It is just part of the explanation.
I know you will go round and round in your head about stuff. Try your best not to let this spin you too much. She isnt capable of anything right now. She is still in 'desperate to feel better mode."
But I dont care about her right now, I care about you. This was a journey you were meant to go on. It happened exactly as it was supposed to.
So, protect yourself and your son financially and mentally. That is what is important right now. Try really hard not to get ahead of yourself.
Many people become very angry and bitter when this happens. Please don't let that happen to you.
She remains the mother of your child. Unfortunately, you have to be the parent right now. She isnt capable fully.
I know you are very angry and hurt. I promise you wont always feel as you do now.
This next part is really important, Luke. How you handle it, what you take from it, all matters.
Remember all that you have learned. Do not allow her to take anything more from you. You have become an amazing man. One with strength, courage and honor. That's all yours.
I am here for you if you need me...you know how to find me.
Luke, this is one of the most important things right now...how you handle this with your son.
Please be very careful what you say to him. He will be looking to you as his touchstone. If you are ok, he will be, too. He is looking and listening very closely. While you cannot be the one who forges their relationship, it is your job not to do anything to harm it. He needs his mommy.
And sweetie, you will have some serious ups and downs in the coming weeks. It's normal. This is a shock to your system. So be kind to yourself.
Cali - I am so sorry. You have been so patient and hopeful and authentic through this situation. There are no real words that can help. I wish there were but you do have lots of people that care and are supporting you here. (((hugs)))
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I don't think I've posted to any of your threads in the past, but I have followed you from the beginning. We landed here at about the same time.
I want you to know that I admire how you've handled yourself throughout all of this. Your goodness has shown through in how you've dealt with your wife, the sitch and, most importantly, you son. I'm so sorry you find yourself where you are today.
I know the immediate future is going to be rough, but I believe that good things await you. You most definitely deserve that because you are a gem.
My best to you and your son.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I'm sorry, Cali. Your W is so entangled in her own guilt and self-destruction. You are a stand-up amazing guy and father and deserve all the best. I am glad you are letting her spew deflect off of you, because it's really how she feels about herself, not you.
While I am not religious at all, but I understand your faith being shaken. I've asked "why" many times, but I do realize sometimes there just is no answer and we take the blessings we have in life and focus on those. Keep your faith, it is of comfort to you. Maybe this is just the beginning of a true genuine happiness and love for you, even if it's not with your W.
