So far I only told maybe a handful of people..I do not plan on telling anyone else. I do not think any of the people will say anything to him about it but at the time I didnt care.
My mom, my sisters, my 3 best friends(one is his partners wife) but his partner said hes not getting in the middle because my wah is already being super weird at work and refusing to even tell people we are separated or divorcing and he stays out of it and refuses to mention me or bring me up anymore since he gets weird.
I need to start dbing for me again but now how do I db. I was doing good before being friendly, fun, flirty but then found out while he was loving on me and being flirty he was loving on her so that type of db isnt gonna work anymore. Or is that what I do go back to being friendly, loving, cutesy?
My L said in my state cheating, adultry etc doesnt matter. If I want temp child support I can get it but he says that you usually get it while filing for divorce and waiting for the process to go through.
Idk if I'm ready to file myself yet. Idk what to do.
I think it's too soon to decide what to do. You mind is a battlefield right now. Try to relax as best as you can and give yourself time to process your thoughts and feelings.
There's nothing you can do to escape the pain. Feel your feelings, you have experienced trauma.
Spend time with your friends and family and do your best to rest.
What do I do if he does not bring me money again? He doesnt get paid until thursday and I actually do need money. He gave me 200$ so far in feb for gas and groceries..umm I NEED some $ from him!
Do I ask him again? Do I tell his parents..do I let it go and borrow $ from my mom??
Usually he is not like this and gives me $ every week.
Thinking too much of what to do is just going to drive you crazy. So, Florida is like Colorado. It does not matter if your H has or had an A.
Good info.
Your L said that you can fight for the house since you have two minors in your custody right now.
Good info.
There is alimony that you can get once you or him put D papers (if that happen). There is child support for a long time because your kids are very young.
Good info.
Family courts can also give you some idea of what happen if you file (if that happen). They can give you detailed info.
Good stuff.
There is a form that can calculate assets, debts, alimony, child support and other. You can get the form w/your L or at the family court.
Can be easy done.
With that form you will start seeing what info you have, what info you need and what can be underground that you want to find out. IF, and that is still on IF stage, you file or your H file, then you know what grounds you are, and you can always ask the court for transparency, even if he tries to hide stuff.
So, this is your practical side thinking, this is the MAMA BEAR attitude. Once you are in that stage, you go into survival mode and do the best you can to protect yourself and your cubs.
Now the emotional side:
How to DB from here on?
Well, now you are a mess. Accept that, look in the mirror and feel miserable for a few days. Eat that ice cream, sit down on your bathtub with the shower running with clothes and shoes on, run until your legs feel like falling off, cry and scream and curse him until your throat hurts, punch the pillow like it is his face, brake some plates or glasses in a safe place where no one will get hurt. Do it all.
Once a few days pass by, then you will calm down, look at yourself and say that you are better then this.
Then the DB starts. Then you will use this pain and all this mess to became a person you want to see in that mirror.
It will take time. Do not dream and think that you will be someone 100% different tomorrow. It will be steps that you will take to make it happen.
One day you feel better then others, just accept that this is the process and there is no immediate cure for all what is happening. Don't attempt antibiotics because it is not going to work.
If you decide, after some time taken to recover from the trauma your are in right now. You will find it in yourself to fight for what you want. How? You will look good almost at all times, you will reorganize your space the way it fits you and you want. You will keep exercising to be in a better mood for yourself and to look good too. You will talk to XH in a civilized way, as calm as you can be, you will surprise him too.
YOU WILL NOT TALK ABOUT OW... even when sometimes you need to bite your tongue.
If he says "I want this or that" you say that you will think about it and let him know your position later.
You will go after your career path, you will talk to your L of what is better right now. If you get a job, it is going to hurt you if you go into a D, or it is better if you wait and have a job after, once the court decides what is your part on the D.
The courts don't care about As, but they do not see it with good eyes when one partner play it dirty, and with minors involved he may be in hell.
He is also a detention officer, and he is the one breaking his family. He is weird at this job and with his job partners because he knows how much weight it has on his character.
Red, let it all unfold for him the way it needs to. It is not your responsibility to think of feel for him. You will let him walk the walk and see him going in circles facing his mistakes.
Meanwhile, Red is getting stronger because she has no other way besides facing the challenges right now. And Red will get stronger and stronger as time goes by.
Red will have a lipstick on her lips, will look good and go out once in a while. Red will get that beautiful tan at the beach once she will go there to spend the day with her kids and maybe friends.
Red will smile with different things in her life because life is not only defined by one man. Life is much more than that and we can be happy even if our lovely one is not there for awhile.
Red will make time to review her faith and maybe join a church where people will offer you love in many different ways and will fill the gap. Red will maybe starting help others that are going through some problems too.
Red will DB like a pro. She will always show H that she is on her two feet and strong. That she has the guts to stand for herself and have a brain on her own. She will have compassion and will validate his feelings. Red will show her understanding without excusing his faults.
Red will be paving the road that he may take to get back home if he decides to.
Red will manage her moves as it goes. She will not react to his stupid words. She will eat it cold when things get heated and then she will cry once she is in a safe place to do so.
Red will brake him into pieces for just being fantastic, an incredible and valuable woman that only a idiot like your H would leave.
You will do it all and you will grow as a person, as a woman, as a mother and as a partner for your H or someone else you chose to be with. It is not the end of Red, it's the beginning of a wonderful journey that will teach you to be a better YOU.
There will be challenges... they will make you stronger tomorrow. There will be pain... they will teach you to be compassionate with yourself and others. There will be hard moments... they will teach you how to love, respect and value yourself.
That is the way you start your DBing. You move along the lines as the situation presents itself. You try it, if it does not work you try something else. You adapt as you learn. You learn every time you need to adapt.
Red will do what it takes to get her family together and happy again. Only Red can say "I had enough". If one day you decide you are done with it, then you will move on with your head tall, your heart clean and you will be ready to face your new journey. She won't regret anything.
So, feel the pain but remember that you are BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG, RESPONSIBLE, BRAVE, RESPECTFUL, ENERGETIC, VIBRANT, VICTORIOUS...You are a child of God and he loves you.
It's one day at a time, be gentle with yourself...
If you really need the money, borrow it from your mom for now so you can avoid your H. Keep track of it. Unfortunately if he starts not supporting you financially you will probably be forced to file so you can take him to court and get temporary support. Try to focus on you and your kids. You have time decide on filing or what you want from the relationship. I'm sure you are completely overwhelmed - so many decisions your head is spinning. Just breathe, cry, take a walk, take a hot shower. Try to rest. You have time to think it all through. Don't rush anything. I'm so glad your mom is coming to help. Let her take care of you because you still have to take care of your kids and yourself. You will survive this. I promise - I know the pain feels physical but you will find strength you never knew you had. Hugs, broke
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
What a wonderful way with words! Red - agreed with Pink 100%. Couldn't have said it better. You not only will survive you will thrive. You are here on this site knowing how to take up the journey to be a better you when you are ready! And we are all here to help. Xoxo
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I just love you.( I do in a long distance penpal older sister type love.) You make me cry. You make me feel better.
Yes I can fight for the house or come up with an agreement or try to make a deal of instead of maybe 1200$ child support you give me 800$ and let me live at the house for 2 years to get on my feet. Lots of options to try to keep the house.
Maybe I need a trip to family court just for the info side of things.
I found out as long as my kids are in college my divorce can have he has to support the kids until they are 26 now. If they stop college or do not go it is 18.
I already have my L I will use. He is a fierce papa bear with a daughter my age with grandbabies. He said he feels like I could be his daughter and his wife if the receptionist and so nice to me. They give me tons of free advice and talk to me when I need to talk to them. When I'm ready to start the D process I can give him the $ and we will go from there but until then he is answering any calls or questions for free to help me.
I am a mess. I look like death. I want to throw up. I tried eating toast and almost gagged. I just am a mess.
I was hoping to wake up and be 100% better but this pain hurts worse then when he left.
NO OW TALK EVER?! Not even to ask if she is near my kids. If she is going to show up at family eventsm if i have to see her?Nothing?!? UGH I NEED TO PREPARE NOW.
We have a wedding AT his parents gorgeous house for his cousin and I'm suppose to be helping it. IT IS IN APRIL. Do I even go now? Would he even dare to bring her to family things? His parents know and love her as my bff shes been to many family events with us. Bdays etx.
My L said in Florida it is best if I try to get a job. He said some judges look down on stay at home moms who DO NOT get a job after being left and see them as lazy and not doing what needs to be done for the kids.Plus it shows I'm trying my best to be on my own.
I am going to start going to church with the kids every sunday with the kids.
I am trying to be patient with myself. I am trying to do what is best for me and my baby cubs.
I am trying my best to get most the pain out today. I really want most of this hurt gone.
I will not rush and go file on mondag even though my head is telling me to just to prove a point.
Right now I can never see myself being happy with him being with her..but I know I will be.
Am I even allowed to ask if they are still together or over? ANYTHING?! I guess it doesnt matter since he has lied to my face for months and had me 100% convinced he was telling the truth.
Thank you brooke i think i might. Borrow from my mom..pay her back thursday or whenever I have money. If he does this again..try to find a way to get temporary child support without filing for divorce..something.
It hurts. I never felt or thought you could hurt this much from something emotional. I physically hurt.
That sounds like great advice and wonderful goals. Just be sure to give yourself time. My head knew about my husband's affair for months, but my heart was shattered when I found out 12/27. I'm still in pain. It gets better and I'm not a mess anymore. But I was just like you. And I'm still waiting for the pain to go away completely. But it has gotten better. Db'ing (mostly GAL) has helped. So has this board and just time. Be gentle with yourself.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
