Help!

[CWOL]

I have gone through and read dozens of threads and hundreds of posts on this forum. Unfortunately, reading them really made me sad. The percentage of successful recovery of marriage is very low. Most of the posters' signature end with "Divorce Final XX/YY/ZZ." It makes me doubt the Detachment process.

I understand the need to move on, but I'm wondering if the cost of moving on is the end of marriage?

Now of course, the people who come on this forum are like me, with marriages were already declared "over" by the WS. So it may be a case of bias in the sample data selection. But still, they do not give me much hope.

[Thornton]

There are no guarantees buddy.

But this gives you the best chance at reconciliation.

[CWOL]

There are no guarantees buddy.

But this gives you the best chance at reconciliation.

Are there any statistics to back up one approach versus another?
E.g. the Detachment versus Engagement approaches?

[Thornton]

I doubt it. If you look at all the "get your ex back" guides on the Internet, they all correlate with DB as opposed to the other website you are talking about.

[Thornton]

Also, I was able to get my Waw back once using DB. Keeping her is another story.

[Vapo]

Statistics is a bunch of lies anyway...

Smothering your W with attention an being her lap dog does not work. Period. Of course you are welcome to try your way, no one will be mad at you.

I tried. Hell, I even helped my W move into her apartment, I even carried the fridge for her to the 4th floor, I even listened to her sobbing how her OM was fcuking her boss and how he is such an [censored]. And then it dawned on me... ARE YOU FCUKING KIDDING ME? She was using me in any and all ways possible and I was dying inside, it was tearing me apart. Was I really this low?!? And then it clicked. Fcuk that, I am worth more, waaaaaaaaay more and if I have to grovel at someone's feet, then it is not worth it!. Period. So I cut her off, fcuk that whining, not my monkey, not my circus. We are friendly ebcause of the kids, but I do not ask her anything, I stand my ground, I am not being a dick or anything, I have won myself back, and I see when I express my views and stand my ground, she respects me for it. OH, I do see clearly in her eyes that we are done, but it does not bother me. She fired me from the position of her husband, so why would I be running errands for her? No way! She tries asking from time to time, but I politely but firmly, decline. So you want me to change the tires on your car? No, that will not work.

And once you reach this level, than life starts looking waaay better. I can shout from the top of the mountain I GOT MYSELF BACK! I GOT MY SELF RESPECT BACK! I AM SINGLE AND I AM LOVING IT! NEVER AGAIN WILL I BE A SLAVE TO SOMEONE!

And just to show you how twisted a WAW logic is, she actually accused me for doing too much for her. She said in tears why did I always have to do stuff for her, why did I always help her out with her stuff? Why did I not force her to figure stuff out for herself? I was dumbstruck. I could not believe my ears... Wait, what?!? You are actually accusing me of doing too much for you?!? Crazyland...

And then she said that all the sex we ever had was actually me raping her. Wahaaaat?!? She always (ALWAYS)instigated sex, because I did not want her to feel I was forcing myself on her. And now she is calling it rape?!? Also it was never any weird stuff and I always made sure she was satisfied first...

A WAW will rewrite history to the point of SciFi. No doubt you have come to witness an example or 2 of this yourself. When she is telling you about something from the mutual past and you go hold on, that is NOT what happened AT ALL. And you start to question your own sanity.

That is why you detach, to get away from all the lying, skewing of the truth and pretty much all the crazy $hit that is going on. Also you have to remember it is not about you, it is about her, she will make crazy statements that you won't believe. When you will have spent more time on these boards you will see some crazy $hit, some justifications for leaving even go so far as stating that he left her because she likes strawberry ice cream and he likes vanilla or because her dog farts (I am not making this up!!!).

So to sum it all up, you are in for a hell of a ride, the odds are stacked against you, your goal should not be to save your marriage (it is DEAD!, remember?), but to save yourself. And if you manage to rekindle a relationship with your W, that is just a bonus.

Why stay on these boards if not to save the marriage, you ask? TO SAVE YOURSELF!

But I'm OK, there is nothing wrong with me - you say. HELL NO! YOU ARE NOT OK, NOT BY A LONG SHOT, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD YOU HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING YOURSELF AND YOUR GROWTH FOR YEARS, YOU ARE CODEPENDENT TO A FAULT AND THERE ARE ISSUES LURKING WITHIN. Face them and work on them. Fess up that your marriage was not perfect (no marriage is), and you did not get to this point overnight.

This Vapo character is crazy, he does not know what he is saying, you are thinking to yourself. Sadly I do know what I am talking about.

You are in for a hell of a ride, but it is totally worth it if you manage to build a new and better CWOL 2.0, a man you always wanted to be.

And 1 final point, stop snooping, it really does you no good. Your W will do and say crazy $hit that defies belief. If she left you, you can be damn sure she has someone on the back burner, no matter if she claims that she does not. My W was INCAPABLE of lying before, now she lies like a pro and about everything. Your W will be justifying her actions to her (and your) friends and family and you will be painted as the bad guy. REsist the urge to fight her on that, because her friends will buy her story before yours and in time her lies will become too obvious and she will have exposed herself to the world. Do not count on support from her family, even if they understand your point, remember that blood is thicker than water.

So, stay strong buddy, save my writing somewhere, in time I'am willing to bet, you will see that I am 110% right. Also if you haven't already, look up Sandi's 37 rules. Pure gold.

V

[pinn]

CWOL I think ^^^ this is spot on. That Vap character is crazy, ;-), but the above is a great post.

Right after BD for me, I was on a different forum for a bit. They were suggesting pursuing as well. It just didn't feel right for me. I did try a little a bit and all it did was push her further away (like I knew it would). Not only did it push her away, but it made be feel like crap. Then I found this forum and the thoughts here more or less aligned with my thinking and my experience which was great. My number one worry at the moment is myself, WW is down on that list.

[sandi2]

CWOL, yes this information is counter intuitive. If you will get past the fact DBing does not line up with every other forum on the board, and if you can accept what you are hearing, then you can start making progress. Most of the forums and books I read about M gave the same type of basic advice, which is okay if your W is not wayward in her heart. Once she reaches the rebellious stage, those soft soap techniques are useless. If you aren't sure what I mean by waywardness, I hope you'll read the link on Cadet's post, Help for the LBH who has a WW.

If you have a wayward wife, I promise that pursuing her to win her back does not work. Not only was I a WW, but I have been active on this board for many years and have NEVER seen a H win back his WW by catering and pursuing. The more you do for her, the nicer you try to be, the more you walk around on egg shell, the more disrespect you tolerate...........the worse she is going to treat you. The WW is actually so turned off and disgusted by her H that it is impossible for him to use those old "nice her back" methods, and get positive results.

Forget what she has told you about you not helping around the house. That is nothing more than a smoke screen. She has to come up with some excuse, so that is the one most commonly used. While the H is acting like a trained monkey doing all the work, her "highness" does less & less. Meanwhile, he is getting no where with her. Why? B/c the real source of her problem is she has lost respect in him as a man. Coming home after putting in a full day of work on your job, and then doing her work too, is not attractive to her (although she said that's what she wanted). It is the man handing her his b@lls while he clean house, cooks, takes care of the kids and does the laundry...so her highness can do whatever her wayward heart desires.

You have to get your focus off how to get her to stay in the M, and start getting yourself back to being the man you were before you M........or better. You appear to have the nice-guy syndrome, and I can tell you that they really do finish last. Please read the free download of No More Mr. Nice Guy. Do not let the nice guy label mislead you. Everyone likes the nice guy. Women marry nice guys, but after she lives with him for a while, she doesn't like him very much, and then she begins losing respect for him as a man. She takes his b@lls and she takes charge of the relationship. She becomes his boss, and he pretty much lets her make the decisions, while he keeps his mouth closed......figuring it will keep the peace. Only, it just proves to her that he isn't the man she needs.

[CWOL]

The part that really pisses me off is that in a divorce settlement, she's going to get half, which is 95% earned by me over the past 18 years. Our system is screwed up. She is the unfaithful one, yet she gets to walk out and take what I earned, plus get a monthly support check from me?!?

Luckily, over the past five years, despite her and MIL's pestering, I kept my house's title as "CWOL, a married man as his sole and separate property." I'll have to pay her something for it as the value has quadrupled, but it will remain my property.

I spent today practicing the 37 rules, detaching myself from her, even though we were at my son's game. I've lost close to 20 pounds now (unfortunately due to depression and poor sleep), but I'm within striking distance of my ideal weight. Once I get my S's schedule settled, I will start working out in earnest to get there, in addition to working out with my son.

I will observe how the Detachment experiment affects me and her and our interactions. She still has not moved out, blaming the fact that I moved the money when my snooping found out about her secret plot to divorce me. I did give her an advance on cash to help her move out (based on my attorney's advice).

I have to disagree with you guys on part of this. I do think snooping has (had?) some tactical value. But you are right, emotionally it takes a toll to hear all the cr*p said about me. It was worth several tens of thousands of dollars to preemptively plan my asset structure though.

[Vapo]

Snooping for a tactical advantage yes, but snooping for no reason other just curiosity, a big NO NO.