Smothering your W with attention an being her lap dog does not work. Period. Of course you are welcome to try your way, no one will be mad at you.
I tried. Hell, I even helped my W move into her apartment, I even carried the fridge for her to the 4th floor, I even listened to her sobbing how her OM was fcuking her boss and how he is such an [censored]. And then it dawned on me... ARE YOU FCUKING KIDDING ME? She was using me in any and all ways possible and I was dying inside, it was tearing me apart. Was I really this low?!? And then it clicked. Fcuk that, I am worth more, waaaaaaaaay more and if I have to grovel at someone's feet, then it is not worth it!. Period. So I cut her off, fcuk that whining, not my monkey, not my circus. We are friendly ebcause of the kids, but I do not ask her anything, I stand my ground, I am not being a dick or anything, I have won myself back, and I see when I express my views and stand my ground, she respects me for it. OH, I do see clearly in her eyes that we are done, but it does not bother me. She fired me from the position of her husband, so why would I be running errands for her? No way! She tries asking from time to time, but I politely but firmly, decline. So you want me to change the tires on your car? No, that will not work.
And once you reach this level, than life starts looking waaay better. I can shout from the top of the mountain I GOT MYSELF BACK! I GOT MY SELF RESPECT BACK! I AM SINGLE AND I AM LOVING IT! NEVER AGAIN WILL I BE A SLAVE TO SOMEONE!
And just to show you how twisted a WAW logic is, she actually accused me for doing too much for her. She said in tears why did I always have to do stuff for her, why did I always help her out with her stuff? Why did I not force her to figure stuff out for herself? I was dumbstruck. I could not believe my ears... Wait, what?!? You are actually accusing me of doing too much for you?!? Crazyland...
And then she said that all the sex we ever had was actually me raping her. Wahaaaat?!? She always (ALWAYS)instigated sex, because I did not want her to feel I was forcing myself on her. And now she is calling it rape?!? Also it was never any weird stuff and I always made sure she was satisfied first...
A WAW will rewrite history to the point of SciFi. No doubt you have come to witness an example or 2 of this yourself. When she is telling you about something from the mutual past and you go hold on, that is NOT what happened AT ALL. And you start to question your own sanity.
That is why you detach, to get away from all the lying, skewing of the truth and pretty much all the crazy $hit that is going on. Also you have to remember it is not about you, it is about her, she will make crazy statements that you won't believe. When you will have spent more time on these boards you will see some crazy $hit, some justifications for leaving even go so far as stating that he left her because she likes strawberry ice cream and he likes vanilla or because her dog farts (I am not making this up!!!).
So to sum it all up, you are in for a hell of a ride, the odds are stacked against you, your goal should not be to save your marriage (it is DEAD!, remember?), but to save yourself. And if you manage to rekindle a relationship with your W, that is just a bonus.
Why stay on these boards if not to save the marriage, you ask? TO SAVE YOURSELF!
But I'm OK, there is nothing wrong with me - you say. HELL NO! YOU ARE NOT OK, NOT BY A LONG SHOT, IN ALL LIKELIHOOD YOU HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING YOURSELF AND YOUR GROWTH FOR YEARS, YOU ARE CODEPENDENT TO A FAULT AND THERE ARE ISSUES LURKING WITHIN. Face them and work on them. Fess up that your marriage was not perfect (no marriage is), and you did not get to this point overnight.
This Vapo character is crazy, he does not know what he is saying, you are thinking to yourself. Sadly I do know what I am talking about.
You are in for a hell of a ride, but it is totally worth it if you manage to build a new and better CWOL 2.0, a man you always wanted to be.
And 1 final point, stop snooping, it really does you no good. Your W will do and say crazy $hit that defies belief. If she left you, you can be damn sure she has someone on the back burner, no matter if she claims that she does not. My W was INCAPABLE of lying before, now she lies like a pro and about everything. Your W will be justifying her actions to her (and your) friends and family and you will be painted as the bad guy. REsist the urge to fight her on that, because her friends will buy her story before yours and in time her lies will become too obvious and she will have exposed herself to the world. Do not count on support from her family, even if they understand your point, remember that blood is thicker than water.
So, stay strong buddy, save my writing somewhere, in time I'am willing to bet, you will see that I am 110% right. Also if you haven't already, look up Sandi's 37 rules. Pure gold.
