I could probably give you advice either way. Do you stand firm for your convictions and give her nothing - and risk her seeing a lawyer and trying to take you for everything? Or do you placate her with what she wants - at an absolute minimum, in order to get favorable settlement for you, and knowing that she is heading for a train wreck. Sometimes giving them $ is just setting precedent for what you will pay forever. Other times if you cut her off, she might go get emergency orders and that would no doubt be bad for you.
There really is no way to tell how in works in your situation and jurisdiction, so I suggest you consult with 2-3 a local divorce attorneys. Im not saying hire one, but if they all say the same thing, you should do it.
But other than that, I am reminded of something an old mentor at my first job told me. I was young and new but had to make a few important, difficult decisions. Either way I went was fraught with risk and I was frozen in fear, unable to make any decision. When I asked for advice he said I had no reason to worry about my choice, because any decision I made would be terrible. Not exactly helpful, right? But eventually I understood what he meant. I shouldn't have worried so much about making the wrong choice and just made a choice and concentrated on managing the outcomes because I never really had the control to avoid a bad outcome with any decision I made.
So my not exactly helpful advice to you is dont stress too much about any decision you make. You really have no control to make your WW come back, so dont think that hangs on every decision you make. But you absolutely can work now to manage the outcomes either way, and in my book, that is living honorably, build a strong relationship with your kids and gaining maximizing custody rights, and having financial security while minimizing any ongoing support you have to pay. And I always say if you do that, then eventually you will have better choices to make.
Thank you for your input. I know inside that letting her go is the only option. Well, not really an option just the inevitable as she is going to file. I know not to believe nothing that they say, but I feel confident that this will happen. She blames me for her WW actions (in true WW fashion) and me for the whole sitch with no accountability on her part. I accept my faults and actions that have lead to a WW. I know that taking a stand for what is best for my kids is the only thing that matters.
Do you think that once the fog clears, if it clears, a WW can take an honest look at the past and understand the LBS's actions? OR is it just they realize what they lost and want it back when they find out the grass wasn't as green as it looked?
Are there many cases of an ugly D that people reconcile or is it mostly under a more amicable sitch? I know these are hard questions to answer if they even can be. Just looking for guidance from vet's.
If anyone knows of any threads of a D (ugly or amicable) with WW that include reconciliation I would love a link to thread/threads.
True words of wisdom. Thank you for your input and the story about making decisions. You are right. I cannot control if she comes back, all I can do is what is best for me and my kids in the long term. I do need to stop analyzing how my every decision will change the outcome of my R and just focus on me and taking this time to better myself. I need to be the man only a fool would walk away from.
Also, I don't know if it will help to point out the fact that 1) I know that she is "in love" with the OM from EA and they swap I love you's
2) I know who he is and he is a looser. Text book "Affairing down"
It won't really change anything for you to point out that you know. I think most men wants the WW to know that they are aware of the EA, however, unless you intend to attach some type of action, it won't accomplish much more except making her more defensive, maybe. If you think this may affect child custody, then it may be to your advantage to stay quiet about what you know. Discuss this with your lawyer.
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I want to put a boundary along the lines of since you have chosen this path I will not be supporting you....
To me, that appears to be more of a punishment (issuing loss, at best). A boundary is a line you draw around yourself for protection. If she crosses over that line, the action taken, as the results of the disrespect, is your action. You can't control her action. Trying to control her action is more along the lines of giving her an ultimatum.
Personally, I don't blame you for not wanting to support her. I encourage you, however, to check with your lawyer before you start issuing any such statements to her. As per the advice you've received, it could come back to bite you worse......so be clear on all your options.
Most nice guy H's feel they need to explain to the WW why they are making their decisions about the finances, or whatever. Actually, most guys are too quick with too much information. Usually, these things need to hit the WW head on, without the H cushioning it for her. It isn't him being a jerk, but the reality of her decisions hitting her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your reply. I really respect your opinions. I have started to read your story and it has helped me to gain insight into my WW that i don't think I could have had otherwise. She is not showing any signs of remorse or second guessing as far as I can tell, I guess that doesn't mean she isn't in general. But knowing what a struggle you had even with fear of how it would effect your family and the fact you were second guessing your self really give perspective into how far gone my WW must be if she really truly believes that she has found "greener pastures"
I see now that I really don't have much leverage and cannot control the situation. I just need to focus on what is going to facilitate the best outcome for my kids and I. Maybe one day she will realize what she has lost, maybe she won't. I just need to focus on what I can control and continue to improve myself and be the man i want to be for me not her.
There are varied opinions about how much to "help" the wayward. Financially, is to check with the lawyer. Physical help (such being her errand boy, mover, plumber, auto mechanic, repairman, etc.), I say do not do if she is living separately (especially) and having an affair.......and the same applies emotionally. She doesn't get the best of both men, or both worlds. She has to put her big girl panties on and take care of herself and clean up her own messes. She fired her husband.
When you are reading the book or other advice, be sure you bear in mind which type of W you have, and where in the journey your MR is at the time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
With my WW she doesn't really do temp. checks in terms of wanting to spend time together, ask for favors, or really anything aside from logistics around kids. I think at this point she is so engulfed with her EA that it is the only thing that matters to her and she has no fear of losing me/MR, in her mind she doesn't want me or the MR and it is already over. I do think that my GAL'ing does have her is the only thing that shows any positive sign. She did recently ask me what I was going to do. She followed that up with a second question and i just answered the second. she didn't ask again. My GAL'ing is probably the only thing that shows me any sign that she still cares @ some level....I am trying to not read to much into it though. I am really just focusing on detaching and going dark via LRT.
One of her good friends is about "two steps" ahead of us in the divorce process and I know that this is also effecting the sitch. Are you aware of any sitch's similar to this where two friends essentially feed off each other and end up getting a D?
I would love to read a thread if you are aware of any.
The tempt checks don't start unless she is concerned she is losing you. If she needs assurance she still holds you in the palm of her hand, then she will do something to see how attached you are to the her/relationship.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Interesting point that you make about temp checks. I am not sure how to make her fell she is losing me or if she even cares to be honest.
How does one stay positive and upbeat when interacting, but make them feel they are losing? I don't tell her she looks nice, been weeks since last ILY, I don't contact unless about kids. I am trying to go dark, but must be doing something wrong. I guess when she does text me about kids, we do sway a few text back and forth but this is very rare. Should I just respond at the absolute minimum or not reply unless absolutely necessary since she gets a read receipt when texts are read(rule 35- I guess having a back and forth is probably not following even though it is about kids, if not necessary I probably shouldn't send it.)
Do you think that a typical WW still wants the safety net of knowing that I am still available even if she is adamant about getting a D and claims to be about to file? I keep telling myself believe nothing that she says and 1/2 of what she does. Easier for me to not believe it when it is something positive, but the negatives I take as an absolute certainty. I think it helps me with detaching.
THIS IS SO HARD!!
Thanks for all the support and guidance, you have no idea how much this means to me.
