Not sure where to stand

[Cristy]

Hello sparksb,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm also very sorry for the passing of your mom. Your dad sounds super supportive!

It sounds like you are doing some really good things for yourself regarding your depression. Keep it up!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[annab74]

SparkSB...does he deserve your kindness? No. But it's not about what anyone deserves. It's about fixing the M. What's your ultimate goal? Is setting up strict boundaries and walls what you want? I'm not sure withholding an unneeded TV purely out of spite is really going to help him realize what an awesome W you are and how much he is losing. Instead, it's probably going to feed into a narrative he's building about you that is likely already negative. I.e., "That *****! She doesn't even need that TV and she's just doing this to hurt me. I was right to leave her."

I'm not saying let him walk all over you, and only you know what's right for your own situation. But when you make your decisions, try not to make them from a place of hurt or pain, or getting back at him because of how he's treated you. That is a losing game. By the same token, don't just extend kindness because you think you're going to "nice" him back, either. It won't work. The point is, you need to make decisions from a place of detachment and without expectation. Don't refuse to give him the TV to punish him, and don't give in just because you think it's going to bring him home. Make your decision based on what you think makes you the person only a fool would leave, and then let it go. You aren't trying to enact a certain strategy to manipulate your H into behaving a certain way. You're just trying to be a better person.

Bottom line...does withholding the TV get you any closer to your goals? Or would extending undeserved kindness maybe have a greater impact? It's natural to want to lash back at someone who has hurt us. But even though its natural and we all feel that way, it's really counterproductive to reaching our goals. Fighting your H will bring predictable results and increase the distance between you. It's not going to fix your M. Being the bigger person who can be the first to reach out and treat him with undeserved kindness may not save your M either. But your chances sure are a heck of a lot better that way.

Just some food for thought...

[Sparkls]

By nature I'm not a spiteful person, it doesn't come naturally and I've always been kind to the point of self detriment. I'm not going to let him being an ass change that about me, so he'll get his TV. I just struggle with when to do what instinct tells me and when to do the "180", since my instincts have gotten me somewhere I don't want to be.

[annab74]

You'll find that much of DB'ing is very counterintuitive. We want to cling, to cry, to fight...and none of these things get us where we want to be. Detachment is your friend. If you hang on to H and base all your behaviors off how he acts, not only will you push him away but you will also make yourself crazy. Right now, as much as it svcks, H is off on his own program. Let him go. Take this time to figure out how you contributed to the breakdown of the M, and how you can change and grow. Don't focus on getting H back, but on becoming the best version of yourself. When you step back and put some distance between you, very often you'll find it makes them step back towards you.

[Sparkls]

The vast majority of the time, it's easy for me to do. I just don't quite know how to react when he asks for things because a. He knows I'm going to give them to him, that's who I am. I tend to avoid conflict at all costs But b. He felt like I was always trying to parent him so if I tell him "No," it's just as bad. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, so I errored on the side of being the kind of person I want to be. I don't want to be his parent, I wanted him to step up and take responsibility and he seldom did.

Gah I can see all the issues now that it may be too late to address them. But he chose to have an affair rather than call me out on my bullsh*t.

[Thornton]

What kinds of 180's can you do?

If something hasn't worked, try the opposite.

And Anna is right, you gotta become the best you. That's what the walk aways notice.

Act like you are fine without him even though you are dying.

[Sotto]

I think there are some interesting themes here in terms of relational dynamics:

He knows I'm going to give them to him, that's who I am.

I tend to avoid conflict at all costs

He felt like I was always trying to parent him so if I tell him "No," it's just as bad.

I don't want to be his parent, I wanted him to step up and take responsibility and he seldom did.

Without reading back, can I ask if you have read codependent no more? It popped into my head when I was reading your post above and it's a book you may find helpful. I'm reading it at the moment.....

Hope this helps and take care xx

[Sparkls]

I started reading through it and while I have some codependent tendencies, I seldom get to the point that my own well being takes a back seat. I tend to nurture a lot (I'm a doctor, it's what I enjoy doing) but I also appreciate that sometimes my own well being is more important. I think that's what makes this betrayal by the bf even more painful is that I really had taken a step back to take care of my world and I excepted him to support me through it because that's what you do when you love someone. I had done it for him for years during the beginning of our relationship and instead, He checked out and started screwing someone else with *huge* codependency issues. And now, it's hard for me to want to take care of myself because the last time I did, my world fell apart. I can logically see the problems in our relationship and how I would probably be better off in the long run if I just cut losses and move on. But I cant convince my heart of that.
He is not the guy I thought he was, but I have seen him be better. I know I can't make him be that guy, but I also can't seem to turn off the switch that is making me hope he will be. My life trudges on regardless. Ill move and start residency in a few months and the my word will keep turning. I just want him there for it. I don't need him. I'll be fine without him, but damnit if I don't want that guy that was there 3 years ago to come back and come along for the ride. I don't know what happened to that guy....

[Sparkls]

Guess I just want to write for a minute so that I say it to ya'll instead of sending it to him.

I've done a lot of thinking and self discovery. I don't know if it's the antidepressants kicking in or what but I'm starting to feel like a fog is lifting. I'm starting to see how not awesome I've been lately. I didn't treat you like you really deserved to be treated. I can give you a list of all of the things I know I did wrong and how I'm working on not being that person. But you don't want to hear it. You already have that list in your mind. You've already found me guilty of those crimes. So I'm not changing for you, I'm changing for me, because that's not who *I* want to be.
I can also give you a list of all of our great accomplishments, all of the wonderful moments we've had in our lives together. But you don't want to hear that either. That list would mean nothing to you, for again, you've already deemed the bad outweighs the good. But that's the list Ill hold onto. That's the list that is making my heart hurt so much right now.
We're both imperfect. And we've both got a lot of growing still to do. And regardless of how this has ended, how poorly we both handled it, I just want to thank you for being there for me along the way. The last 8 years have been the best and worst of my life. Because of the support I've gotten from you and my family and friends, I'll be a doctor in 3 months. An honest to goodness doctor, saving lives, just like we always wanted. And I didn't do that alone. I did that with your support and love. At now, I"m doing it despite you. Despite the pain you've caused by not talking to me about our problems. I supported you through your darkest days and I did that because I loved you with all of my heart. Somewhere along the way, we lost sight of Us, but we also lost sight of ourselves. We stopped calling each other out when we were being assholes. I guess we lost our common enemy and it wasn't us against the world, it was you against me. I can see it all now, but I couldn't see it through the fog back then.

I don't know where we go from here. I don't know if we're too broken and too far gone to fix. The I don't know's always used to kill me but I guess now I see them as almost a price I have to pay for not paying more attention. The only thing I do know is what we used to have, and I"m starting to understand what we have now. I'm starting to be ready to see what the future brings, with or without you. I know it's time for something to change. And change is scary and hurts and can lead to either a great new beginning or lead off into darkness. I always wanted to brave that change with you by my side, us against the world. I'm sorry I lost sight of that. I'm sorry you did too. I hope we both find the future's we're hoping for. When you reach for the moon, even if you don't quite reach it, you're still among the stars.

[Thornton]

Ok, first off, DO NOT send that to him.

Second, I think it's great that you are owning your part in this. That's hard to do and it causes so much guilt and shame.

You will need to process this stuff and come to a point that you forgive yourself for your mistakes. I REALLY struggle with this. I tend to blame myself for everything and it kills me. You are human and so is he. You can't do it all, he had a role in the breakdown in communication as well.

Sparks, here's what I do know. You are a successful loving person that deserves happiness. You are a healer, a giver.

If your WAH can't recognize that, then he's blind and missing out.

Continue to focus on you. You are so close to realizing your dream. The stars are aligning for you. You will be successful and you will find happiness, I have no doubt.

Stay the course, my friend. I believe in you.