Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Update time. So much has been happening! I will have to try and summarize.

I have been using meditation and other tools like my hot tub, IC, and conversing with different friends to continue down the rabbit hole of what it is inside of me that makes me so uncertain about myself that I am in such need of validation. This journey has shifted from being a very mental effort to being more visceral, emotional, and spontaneous. I have been following the advice of staying in touch with my feelings through each moment, not abandoning myself. I am having more frequent moments of grace, subtle feelings guiding me, and sometimes very clear guidance about what I should do or not do. When I follow this guidance, it results in taking actions that align with the advice I have been getting here. Focusing on myself. GALing. Detachment. My experience has been that these things seem to come naturally when they are happening as a result of following this deeper guidance within myself, rather than trying to fake it until I make it. Authenticity is important to me and I'm glad that this seems to be working out such that I don't have to fake anything.

My W has continued to grow closer to me in the past couple of weeks. She even initiated a couple of kisses. She has said that she is experiencing fleeting moments of feeling attracted to me. I have maintained a somewhat distant stance to match the somewhat distant stance that I still sense from her.

If you recall in my previous post, I had some strange things lead me into a new friendship with a woman who is a friend of my W. This friendship has continued to grow. I have fended off what could easily turn into a serious crush on her if I was to allow it to. I have always been pretty good at containing such things and not crossing the line. I have been 100% honest about all of this with my W. I have told her about my feelings for this OW, and how I am containing them. My W feels a bit of jealousy, but also a lot of relief as it provides an opportunity for us to be more on the same page with regard to how it's possible to feel attraction to other people. The difference is that I am being 100% transparent and honest and putting my W first in terms of including her in everything. I have no idea what role this OW may have in my life or what kind of friendship might develop. It has a very spiritual dimension to it. I am a bit scared that I could end up falling in love with her, and becoming wayward myself isn't what I need right now at all. It is testing me... As I have mentioned before, I have a lot of ambivalence about my W and a long list of issues that make me question whether we are right for each other. My W has herself pointed out how this OW seems like she would be a much better match for me on some ways. In a strange way, it has been healing for us to be able to talk openly about it. For now, I am making learning and growth the #1 priority and I am trusting that everything will unfold for the best as long as I stay in my heart, avoid acting out of fear, and remain patient.