Hi MB. I want to start by saying you are doing a amazing job, DB is not just to make a M better, there is a point where you realize it is for you so you don't stay in a limbo forever waiting on the what if.
What I think Zeus was saying and please correct me if I am wrong is. Don't open up to H circle. He didn't say don't talk, don't open up. If you believe she didn't tell him all that was said or he didn't pry he location and actions out of her I would be surprised. Also I wouldn't be surprised if he sent her over. By opening up to her about how you view him and having the conversation some of his questions about what is going on with you are answered and he gains a bit of power from that. You could have told her that it's inappropriate to show up at your place and to please leave as you have nothing to say to her.
By distance I think he means emotionally not physically. I realize there is no contact. Your still hanging onto that giant rope that I am. We both need to drop it and stop trying to hold this ship from floating away. I have thought more on the rope analogy.
I said it feels like I am holding onto a huge rope that is holding a ship at dock. Now what If the ship is our M and R with S and we don't want it to float away, are you holding it at dock and within reach by holding onto this massive rope? Possibly. Who's to say if you drop it that the ship will float away? It might stay within reach, now you aren't spending all your time hoping it won't leave and you can do other things like make yourself stronger and a better person if you ever get in the ship. If it floats away you can still be that better person and be ok without the ship or ready if a new one comes to dock.
I didn't plan on writing so much. Just kind of got on a role. MB. NYGal nailed it. You are an amazing woman and deserve a happiness and love that compliments who you are not a life of servitude and walking on eggshells.
Did you ever start that FB account to connect with family? This thought popped into my head the other day and I don't remember hearing if you did or not
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I will also add that I have always viewed this as a personal growth forum, not a support forum.
Some posters write fill many threads with how they could've recognized their WAS's needs differently, their love languages, how they acted out of resentment, how those love busting actions were expressed, some better ways to react and respond and converse, understanding where that resentment came from, where those expectations came from, why there were so disproportionately important that they were allowed to contribute to the destruction of a marriage, what underlying needs were at the bottom of it, how could they maybe meet some of those needs on their own and take accountability for their happiness so they didn't have to try to control their partner, and how can they do that now and start making their life a demonstration that they are capable of being a better partner and person than they were in their marriage. These posters also work hard on thought patterns, learning new ways of looking at things so little by little they break out of circular thought patterns, and can start making emotional progress by not getting stuck on certain triggers.
Other posters want to tell people what happened to them and what their feeling that day and have people sympathize, or help them through some tactical decision making.
To me the first approach is what DBing is about to ME. When a poster spends < 5% of their writing talking about their contributions to the breakdown of the M, their 180s, their self-work, well, I don't get it, and I don't think I can offer much. But just because I approach things differently doesn't mean you're wrong or lesser or anything like that, it truly only means is that I approach things differently. I do appreciate that you are working on self acceptance as you are, and that's important, I agree there is nothing wrong with you. Bottom line is just like in life there are all types on this board, and all types of roads we can journey down. We all want what's best for you, and you will have good companions here that will support you in the way you need support.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
MB, your last paragraph is so true for my situation. Still don't get why OW came to see you, although it shows how insecure she is as you have been NC with your H and despite this she sees you as a threat! It's funny how OP sometimes acts!
Keep walking on our path. Why aren't you going out on your own? I go to the cinema and I like it. If I was near you, I can garantee you we'd be doing something.
Have faith in everyday as it brings you closer to internal happiness :-)
Not really sure why ow came here, I think about it a lot but don't know her so I have a hard time knowing what she was thinking. I keep being reminded that I'm not a mind reader. From listening to her, I don't think she knows or believes that I am NC with H. She even mentioned that she lives so far away and I'm right here in the same town. That was the only glimpse of insecurity that I got from her. At first she seemed like she was trying to let me know that she's the woman in H's life now, but then she seemed fo flip to having questions that she needed answers to. I think she was aware of his controlling tendencies and wanted confirmation. Could be totally wrong though. I do know that her visit is harder for me NOW than it was at the time. It doesn't feel like I took a few steps backward though, it feels more like I was set back about a mile. I was working to detach which seems to be a VERY slow and challenging process for me and now I find that I have reverted back to some of my behaviors that I had already stopped. UGH! It's like an addiction and I feel like I'm starting over trying to break the behaviors.
It would be so nice if some of us lived close together so we could drag each other out for GAL activities! I was doing really well with those, but haven't done much lately other than play cards with friends or my sister, and go walking. I don't go out by myself because I already feel so alone and a that just intensifies it. If I'm going to be alone, I'd rather just stay home, it's cheaper. Another reason I'm not getting out and doing much is because things are a little tight for me now and I haven't been able to get any extra hours at work. Hoping that changes soon as I am getting tired of having to be stressed out about it.
I hope you're doing okay these days.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB...another possible perspective is, OW is starting to see his true colors.
I discovered my H's A by stumbling across the thousands of text messages sent between the two of them on the phone bill. Normally I would not look at the online account, but I was trying to add a service. There they were...all these messages at all hours of the night, sent by my H who claimed not to like to text. I called OW first thing trying to confirm what I already knew. She was rude to me, said she didn't know my H, and hung up. But later on, she sought ME out.
H had been leading her on and lying to her about a lot of things. He'd told her he was single and colored me as a "crazy ex who wouldn't let go" and warned her not to talk to me. Never mind that we were very much together and even trying to have another baby at that time. But when she started to see cracks in his story and got suspicious, she decided to talk to me herself. We compared notes, H was busted, the A was ended, and everything went from there.
It sounds to me like OW is seeing some of the same abusive behaviors from your H that he perpetrated on you, and you confirmed for her that this is the kind of person he is. I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe it wasn't enough to keep her from going back to him this time...but the seed is planted, and every time he does something questionable in the future, she is going to remember the things you told her. I really think she just needs more time to see the situation for what it is and the A will die a natural death. If she really has strong feelings for him, she isn't immediately going to want to believe her suspicions, and is going to try to justify that even if he treated YOU that way, it will be different with her. She will think she can fix him or change things. It's going to take some time and more bad behavior by him until she will will see she is not the special snowflake that is going to change his world.
I'm sure she probably WAS trying to peacock a bit and assert her dominance too. But that wouldn't be necessary if she didn't already feel threatened and insecure.
I really don't think you need to waste your time worrying about OW. She is on her way out at some point. Your time is better invested in figuring out if you still want your H and if/how you can have a healthy relationship with him rather than returning to all the abuse you previously endured.
I wonder sometimes what would happen if I told ow how much W has been contacting me, saying she has "major concerns" about ow, misses our life, regrets it all, wishes we could turn back time, thinks of me every time she sees someone on a bike, etc. If it were me I'd be so pi$$ed. But I don't know ow well enough to know how she would respond to a situation like this. And I don't want W to get mad at me. So I'm taking the high road, with a lot of help from my friends!! But if ow sought me out... that would be tough to say nothing.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I agree with otw, I contacted OW's husband and it accelerated the filing for divorce and my H bought a house. I don't think it is a good idea to contact the OW in my humble opinion.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Hi Broke (and sorry MB for the hijack!), I don't think that you contacting OW's H has accelerated anything. The way I see it is that you hurt your H in his pride because he could think he could have the best of both worlds, but you torpedoing his plans left him to contemplate his actions! Something WAS would not to deal with. Now he has to face OW's H and if he told OW that he would file once her H found out he really couldn't back out, could he?
I have been separated with STBXH for a year and he still hasn't filed, despite introducing OW to his eldest daughter & our girls knowing about her. Our kids still haven't met her! So I think that your H didn't want to lose face in front of OW!
As far as I can see it's all about pride. Hang in there Broke
It's okay Rouky. I have also worried that even though ow sought me out and initiated the conversation, that my talking to her would make my H irritated with me. And, if they were to break up because of it, that he would blame me. Still don't feel like I did anything that was actually "wrong, " but he doesn't think like most people. I also wonder, if they did break up, would he seek me out, or look for another ow?? And, if he DID contact me, what would I say to him? I have no idea what I would say to him at this point. Last time I jumped right back into a relationship with him, then he dumped me again 12 days later. What would I say if he came back again?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
