Hi Nitaf....first of all let me say, don't beat yourself up too much....as the last poster said, we do this stupid stuff because we're human....i called the woman when I first found out about h's A, she told my H she "got a civilized a-s chewing"...I suggested he let her know there plenty more uncivilized ones where that one came from....then, I found H shacked up at her house new years weekend; I was so po'd I called her house every 2 minutes for 45 minutes, then went and pounded on the door for about 20 minutes, then unlocked H's vehicle and took every thing out of it......oh yeah, I was cool calm and collected...but I have read here of other folks doing the same...some one wrote about breaking into H's house and sniffing the dirty laundry, and someone else wrote about getting attacked by the neighbors cat as she hid under the OW's bedroom window to catch them "in the act"....(don't worry, I've read so many posts in 5 months I have no clue who these folks were); moral of the story is it's a real common occurance!
I'd encourage you to call your Dr. right away....I hate to sound like I'm pushing drugs, and I've been really resistant to taking them, but honestly they can be a god-send in getting you over the hump and helping you stay on a more even keel. The over the counter sleep aids pretty much contain Benedryl, which actually interferes w/restful sleep for a lot of people....I've found antidepressants help to stabilize my mood....I've actually taken them 2 weeks out of the month for PMS for the last 2 years....they help a lot....right now I'm taking it every day until I feel like I'm more secure.... A counselor with our work EAP suggested I needed an anti-anxiety med, which I didn't pursue, but probably would have been helpful until the antidepressant kicked in...althoug I think it kicked in pretty fast for me. The sleep aid was the biggest immediate help, though.
this is so debilitating, its hard to even follow through on getting in touch w/Dr., but it's really important ....can you do that real soon? maybe get a friend to go with you if you need to?
You gotta get some sleep and some food in you to even be able to think straight, nitaf....a person becomes delirious after a few days of no sleep, it's a terrible, vicious cycle....IMHO, the most important thing you can do, just for today, is don't worry about anything except calling your Dr.
If you can find her thread, ChristineE is a rep. for a drug co, and she gave me some helpful, accurate, reassuring info..... I even got a sleep aid for S11, which some people will think is awful, but the poor kid was losing it as bad as I was, and he only needed to take 3 of them to get him "on track", this was 2 -3 months ago and he's doing MUCH better.
sorry, skipped your question, yes, I'm still with my H, he's never left. I can't comprehend how hard it must be to have H gone.......my heart goes out to you. Lord, I've been a complete and totally incapacitated wreck with him still at home. I just can't imagine what it must be like for you....
YOur post gave me my 1st laugh of the day!!!!!! It is so funny to me how when they are in this temporary insanity, they swear they love you but not in love. They don't realize it is just the feeling of newness with the other person and it to wears off and then you have to work at it! I am thinking about writing her a heartfelt letter. I will post it to get opinions.
glad you had a laugh....laughing is a life-saver. Yes, it's amazing that they don't understand they're caught up in much the same response as a drug addict...I mentioned this to my H once and REALLY made him mad! he wanted to see the research to back up my claim...actually I have it, but I kind of let it go, seemed like a cheeseless tunnel. I'd be careful about the letter, my experience is that OW is every bit as able to justify what they're doing as is H, and you don't want to add fuel to her fire....However, writing it could be very helpful to you personally. I'd sure post it here before I sent it though.
How are you? I first want to say that I am not writing this letter to cause uproar or to place blame. There is no one to blame about the condition of our marriage but my husband and myself. We are both imperfect and have made mistakes. I will not get into specifics, although I am sure you have had an earful of my mistakes. David and I still love each other.
The reason that I am writing this letter is because of my commitment to my marriage. ___________, I know that when you meet someone that is having problems in their marriage that the intentions are pure to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear that listens. Unfortunately, these things do more damage than good for the marriage. You cannot help the marriage or be a friend to the marriage when only hearing half of what is going on. David and I have both made some mistakes in our marriage. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. What I would like you to realize is that had my husband not been talking to you and thinking that things will be just great if I am with this person, he would have never left home. Married people rarely leave home unless they have hopes of connecting with someone else. People are more likely to work on their marriage when there is no 3rd party involved. I see that you two were in contact starting in September and possibly earlier. That leads me to believe that he left with hopes of connecting with you, because you guys were talking while he was going to and from work.
I am going to ask you to close your eyes and put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if you were his wife and a woman on the outside was consoling your husband and she only has his side of the story in mind? It makes him feel confused about his commitment to his marriage? How would you feel looking your son in the eyes while is says, is daddy coming home?
I think that what I am trying to say to you is that my marriage is not over until it is over. We are living separately but that is still my husband. We took vows and they are being violated. The attachment may be emotional and the intentions friendly, but it is still a hindrance to our marriage.
My husband cannot think clearly with someone waiting in the wings for him. I am going to ask you to please give my husband and I the space that we need to make decisions concerning our marriage without a 3rd party being involved. Please respect our union, as you would want someone to respect yours.
Sincerely yours,
Felicia King-Ginyard
If you would like to speak with me, please feel free to call me. My number is 610-457-2214.
Hi nitaf, I just read your post and thought I'd jump back in here.... The most important things to consider as you decide on sending the letter are: 1) what do you hope the letter will do?
2) and the classice DB yardstick, will what I'm about to do move me closer ro or further away from my goal?
that said, I have to caution you that I am afraid you will be disappointed in the results you'll get from the letter....my perception is that you are kind of hoping that if you express how OW's actions are affecting you & your family, that she will "cease and desist". I believe this is very unlikely to be the outcome, and that it will give your H more fuel for his "fire" and cause you more distress. My experience has been that frankly OP's know darn good and well what they are doing and how it affects people, and they either (a) don't give a damn or (b) get some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. either way, anyone who would prey on a person who is suffering in a difficult marital situation (and that's exactly what it is, preying) is either a shark or a pirranha, driven by their instincts, and as such, I believe they are totally immune to, if not incapable of, reason. If reason had any effect on them, they wouldnt be doing what they are in the 1st place. If OW is the type who gets pleasure out of it (I'm convinced they are out there), you will really be playing right into her hands and rewarding her behavior. Behavior that works (is rewarded) is behavior that is repeated..the letter could actually backfire by making her more determined.
I hope this doesnt sound too harsh, I'm just afraid sending the letter will do you and your sitch more harm than good...I can just see OW running to your H with it (I know that's what would happen in my sitch) and H having more reason to justify his actions/defend his position. just IMHO....I sure encourage you to get more opinions than mine before you send it, and think long and hard....
what would be the worst case secenario that could result from you sending the letter, and how will you handle that?
Nitaf, this is just one opinion, but I'm going to say no, don't send the letter. I think it means a lot that you were able to sit down and write the letter. I wrote one myself, to the OM, but the advice I got on my thread was not to send it, that it would only inflame the situation. I think someone mentioned on your thread earlier that Om/w's are very good at rationalizing their behavior, and would be quick to turn the letter against you. When I mentioned my letter on my thread, someone said to me something along the lines of... Writing the letter is a very good step, it helps you to express and formalize your own feelings, it helps you to have a better understanding of where you stand, and it can influence your behavior in a positive way, but that is likely the beginning and the end of its usefulness.
