MB...another possible perspective is, OW is starting to see his true colors.
I discovered my H's A by stumbling across the thousands of text messages sent between the two of them on the phone bill. Normally I would not look at the online account, but I was trying to add a service. There they were...all these messages at all hours of the night, sent by my H who claimed not to like to text. I called OW first thing trying to confirm what I already knew. She was rude to me, said she didn't know my H, and hung up. But later on, she sought ME out.
H had been leading her on and lying to her about a lot of things. He'd told her he was single and colored me as a "crazy ex who wouldn't let go" and warned her not to talk to me. Never mind that we were very much together and even trying to have another baby at that time. But when she started to see cracks in his story and got suspicious, she decided to talk to me herself. We compared notes, H was busted, the A was ended, and everything went from there.
It sounds to me like OW is seeing some of the same abusive behaviors from your H that he perpetrated on you, and you confirmed for her that this is the kind of person he is. I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe it wasn't enough to keep her from going back to him this time...but the seed is planted, and every time he does something questionable in the future, she is going to remember the things you told her. I really think she just needs more time to see the situation for what it is and the A will die a natural death. If she really has strong feelings for him, she isn't immediately going to want to believe her suspicions, and is going to try to justify that even if he treated YOU that way, it will be different with her. She will think she can fix him or change things. It's going to take some time and more bad behavior by him until she will will see she is not the special snowflake that is going to change his world.
I'm sure she probably WAS trying to peacock a bit and assert her dominance too. But that wouldn't be necessary if she didn't already feel threatened and insecure.
I really don't think you need to waste your time worrying about OW. She is on her way out at some point. Your time is better invested in figuring out if you still want your H and if/how you can have a healthy relationship with him rather than returning to all the abuse you previously endured.
