Where to start ...So since all this hit the fan, I took a step back. As much as possible I have not been 'home' (if you want to call it that. I have been focused on work/finding a house/ but even during that time thinking about all this and analyzing.
We had gotten into it Saturday as I said ... like she was just looking for a fight. I have tracked things for the past years on my calendar ... just little notes for the day. She would be really nice and all that up till she snuck out with OM then after .. yup mini-monster. Saturday I told her I would move out as we obviously were not getting better, she wanted me to stay till the end of May. This was a red flag .... she was using me financially and fully intended to do this for another 3 months and continue her affair ....WHY>? rings in my head ... but I know better than to try to sort out MLC.
I thought I had a nice little house lined up .. cheap and perfect for S me and the dog but its looking like its a scam.People find homes that are on the market, place ads to rent them out and want you to wire them money for depsoit to hold the place, more money to fill out the application. Its so darn expensive out here, I am just going to have to bite the bullet and really tighten the belt. So the search continues for a place.
I spoke with S last night. Apparently W talked to him about OM, asked S if he liked OM, and S said "no" ... W then professed her love for OM, he is a good guy, and asked S to give OM a chance. I did not say anything about it other than to tell S I was proud of him for being honest and he should always say exactly how he feels, and I want him to speak up to me if he has questions or is confused. He asked me why OM was back, thought W promised to be better and asked what happened. I told him I could not tell him exactly what happened but W has made a choice and I have accepted it, and I promised him we would have a better life from this day forward regardless of the choices W makes.
W has been texting the past few days, nothing I felt I needed to respond to, I have not even spoken to her since Tuesday other than answered her when she asked what time S's practice was. She is back to Shark eyes and just gone. She called this mornign wanting specifics on when I would be giving her docs that are in my car, asked who would be filing, then started Monster and I hung up on her. She is concerned about the $$ aspect of the divorce, she will have to pay me. Not that I want the $$, but the way I see it .. any dollar I give up is a dollar that should be going to S who did not ask for this.... she made the choice to have an A, I stood ... she came back commited to the M and promised me she would never do that again .... and here we are, she could have told me, asked for a D and then went off happily ever after with OM, but no .... she chose to lie/betray/and cheat on me again ... her choice/her character and S should not have to suffer for that .. MLC or not.
As far as the religion thing. We were married in a Catholic church, so yeah that is the only marriage that the church recognizes. A good friend of mine called me asking how I was doing ( his wife seen my FB post asking if anyone knew of good Apt complexes in the area) ... he is one of the few who knows the sitch. WE talked about this ... he told me that I have gone above and beyond and should not feel any guilt in walking away from this M. He is not catholic but understood. Not like I am looking to jump into another R, I am pretty damaged good at the moment, along with really struggling to understand what this was all for, what lesson did I need to learn out of all this. He mentioned the lesson I needed was to be able to look in the mirror and know in my heart I did everything I could. Maybe this is true I don't know.
As far as how I am doing, its been tough. Tuesday night I may have gotten 2 hours sleep. Honestly I just can not believe it, I mean ... she is like a drug addict. So a mix of disbelief along with anger and add in a good ounce of hurt. I am definitely the enemy once again, and thats ok ... I have the 'been there done that' shirt and know how to handle it, I will be just fine.
The thing in the back of my head is I know how this goes .. all the cycles. I arrived at a place I stood for my M and hoped we could work things out. Now, sure I could continue my stance .. play the game, drop rope let her go is what I am doing ... but I know at some time she will hit bottom and attempt to suck me in. I want nothing to do with the dysfunction that follows her, the damage she has done, I mean who would EVER want to be with someone capable of this?? (She is currently blowing up my phone ... this is all my fault, all the past things I did or didn't do .. justifying away in her MLC brain)
So ... I am centered for the most part but gladly completely detached as nothing has phased me since I wrote the note in my mind she is dead to me as harsh as that sounds. I seen a thing on FB about the hardest things to do is mourn the life of someone who is not dead. I cycle through the emotions but not to intense to be honest, no where nearly as bad as BD1. There is a part of me in very much the same place as last year looking forward to the new chapter in my life and removing myself from this hurricane that has annihilated my life, regroup and rebuild time for me ... and I have some serious healing to do.
My faith is still intact, I gave W to God Tuesday, only thing I can do ... I still pray for her, not for her to wake of reconcile ... but for Him to help her. I try not to judge and go all preacher, but the fact she gave up worrying and anger for Lent .. not the affair mind you ... continuing her A and going to church with me ... it baffles me how jacked up she is, and I am very curious to see what her life ends up like ... I will have no choice to be connected because of S.
I will post more once I land a place or there is something of note to actually say ... W is back to script and in full Replay at this time.
