Hurt, lonely, drowning

[mbebos]

My W was my best friend as well. There is nothing I have a harder time with than talking to new people, and even more so making new friends. I don't click with many people. I am not a normal guy who can hold conversations about sports. People think I am conceited because I don't make the effort to make new friends or reach out to people, but it is my long term problems with social anxiety (from horrendous physical bullying as a kid), abandonment (death and abandonment, and now this), and just not feeling like I am worth people's time. I even felt this way when things were normal. My whole adult life has been with my W. I don't have a lot of memories without her. I can't even hold conversations now without talking about the time the W and I did X or Y. We didn't have many social hobbies. Our hobby was entertaining and family time. No one in her family wants to shun me, they are all mad at her for what she is doing to me, but she is their real family. My in law family has been all I have had for so long, I am mourning them all as if they have died.

Before BD, even though our relationship was troubled, we were still good friends most of the time with few day to day issues. Now, although everything is friendly between us, she keeps saying she wants to be friends but won't let me close and avoids just about everyone.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know I have a lot of work to do. When I am buried under a mountain, I will often spend months on the strategy with no action, making the mountain worse. I just need to take the first bite.