Doing better....Oh wait

[otw]

For some reason today I have been doing some thinking on my marriage and in the beginning of all of this mess I took what W said to me about what she wasnt happy about and really processed these things. I dont know why I am thinking on them again today, but I do feel that although it is not the only thing that got me to this point as some is her fault as well, I guess i am looking at myself to see if i have actually changed.

She stated she did not feel that I thought of her as an equal in the relationship. She felt because i supported the family I could do as I pleased and she could not. That i controlled the finances and she had no say in anything. She also stated she felt I was too negative to her opinions and that I would never open up about things.

So looking at these, I agreed about the finances and it actually happened well before we were married. She had some considerable debt, we wanted to get married and she was bouncing around between jobs and figuring out what she was going to do. I took on all of the bills so she could clear up debt. We succeeded at that. Got married and she was in between working, then she got pregnant and we decided that we did not want childcare, so she would stay home.
As i look back I wish we would have discussed finances better as I just managed it all. We really never discussed joint accounts other than from our wedding and i never touched that money and she went through it, when it was done we closed the account. This is a big lesson learned for me. I run 5 businesses and handle the finances so this was something that I had to just let go of. I dont feel we discussed it well enough, but when we did I do believe I probably did not hear her the way she wanted.

to the point of me coming and going as i please, I understand where this comes from. Being at home with kids all day isolated from the world is tough. I know in the last few months before BD when W wanted to be out on her own more and doing her own thing I handled the situation wrong. I used to run home to help with the kids and wanted time with her and she was just looking to get out. I grew very frustrated and only saw my side. At this point it may have been a little late and the years leading up were more important as i think she was already making up her mind.

Also lesson learned.

Then to myself being negative about her opinions and not opening up. I am a introverted person to an extent. I run everything through my head all day everyday. If i am to have someone like a W in my life, i needed to learn to trust her with my thoughts.
Being negative seems to be that I needed a nice dose of STFU and some validation.

During the marriage i spent so much time trying to give her and the family everything they asked for that i missed these crucial parts.

Now i know these could just be excuses for her to put all of the blame on me, but i can see valid points to all.

I dont know what the future holds, but i do know these will never leave my mind and i hope to have a chance to correct these mistakes in my life with W or even someone new if it is not in the cards for R.

I do believe since BD i have gotten so caught up just trying to fix things and get my W back, that even though i addressed these before and was aware of them I was just doing things about them then trying show her. That was not the right time. too late.

I guess that is part of what all of this is happening for. to learn. I miss her like crazy, i miss my family together, but I am doing ok.
I do know wherever my future may be and who with that at least something good came from this awful event.