Hurt, lonely, drowning

[1313]

I know it doesn't help much when a lot of us here say we're in very much the same boat, but know you're not alone. It helps just a teeny bit. It's helped me. Just keep checking the different threads, there's some wisdom here.

With the big-D, you find out who your real friends are. Sadly, mine out of the gate have been my IL's, and the general consensus here is to disconnect from them - let them do the reaching out. They've been my "family" for over 30 years. They've been foster parents for special needs kids, they've taken care of hundreds of children and have adopted several normal and not. The house is full of love and activity. When you go there, you just walk in. I don't think they even have a doorbell and wouldn't answer the door if you knocked. I will really miss that.

Most of my friends have been "community" friends, and they've all distanced themselves, or taken the W's side. Of course, my very best friend was my W which is what hurts the most. I so want to tell them my side of the story - but that goes against the DB theory. I still want this to work so badly.

Good buddies from HS days don't really know what to do or say. None really want me around and I don't blame them, they've got their own lives. Electronic communication isn't really the same as a voice. They know what really happened and I can confide in them but still. They've known the W for 35 years and were friends with her as well. You have to assume everyone around you is in shock as well.

The only children I have are a little 12 year old dog with a bad heart, we lost her sister a couple of years ago. The W won't let me see her. In fact, the W left town for a week and gave the dog to a friend to take care of. I asked the friend if she wouldn't mind, send me a picture. I'd understand if she didn't. She said she would, but I've not heard back.

I hear "it's been a month, pull yourself together", and I swear, it's only worse as the reality of the situation has really begun to sink in.

The desire to self-medicate is far too strong and it's too easy of a way out. All it does is make me feel worse. I'm strongly tempted for the first time to consider anti-depressants. The first time the W left me we'd been married only 12 years. My Step Bro is a doctor, and was worried about me and prescribed some. I couldn't handle them, but I really wasn't depressed. Boy, I sure am now. I can barely face going to the grocery store. If it weren't for having to take care of my Mother, I'd probably be in a dark room sobbing.

When I took my Mother to our Doctor a couple of days ago after she fell again - he asked me how things were going and I told him. He literally sat there slack-jawed. It took him 10 minutes to snap out of it. He knows the W well also, people really don't know what to say. Of course he says GAL, exercise, push yourself - and call me if you need anything or want to talk.

All I can say is, when it rains it pours. I've got my Mother slowly losing her faculties, my W going insane on me and blaming me for her entire life, dying and dead friends - heck. A friend just died a few days before Christmas in a plane crash with his entire family of 5. That was probably one of the things to push the W over the fence with her late MLC. Going to a funeral with 5 coffins. I could see all these changes effecting the W.

I'm glad you've got your cousin, you're blessed by her presence. Remember her when things are better, she's literally been a lifesaver for you. Just remember, things will get better. When you've hit bottom, the only way left is up.