Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

I've started counseling, I got started on antidepressants (part of our problems stemmed from me being, to put it bluntly, a b*tch because of clinical depression). I'm spending more time with my friends and less time in bed just watching tv (another one of those pesky depression symptoms).

The problems he saw in our relationship were definitely real concerns that I'd love to address but he also cheated, lied, didn't communicate. I wasn't the person I want to be and I was so swamped in my own depression, I didn't see how awful I was being to him. I was so out of control in every part of my life, I started to try and control him more, and he rebelled. That, of course, doesn't excuse his cheating. But it leaves me in a limbo land where he is also doing the "wayward fog" thing where he's rewriting our whole relationship, telling me he never loved me etc. I'm working on making myself the me that I want to be and I want him to see that and to see that what we used to have is worth fighting for but he doesn't see it and has surrounded himself with people who are just constantly telling him how miserable he was and how he should just give it all up and be with the OW cause clearly, that's a healthy relationship (sarcasm).

So I am working on me. And I'm doing it for myself, but I"d be lying if I said I didn't care if he noticed. But he was also flawed in our relationship, and each day I remember more things I did not like and more reasons why I'll be just fine if he doesn't come back. I just don't want to bail on 8 years together without trying something different. I guess this is something different.

This is all so exhausting. I have no clue if what I'm typing even makes sense.