W went over to our friends last night with a few of the girls (the couple that own the house are our best friends) and rolled in around 1:30am. I get anxiety when I get very stressed and that is exactly what is happening to me. I was wide awake all night last night, heard her come in talk with her girl friend but she never made it upstairs to our room/bed - she slept on the couch on the main floor. I asked her this morning why she slept on the couch and she just said she wanted to (sure she just didn't want to see me if I happened to still be awake). Didn't really surprise me after the fight we had yesterday. Also, I usually get the kids up, fed and off to school in the morning but I figured this was a good morning to tell her to do it after she partied with the girls last night. Somehow the expectation is that I deal with the kids every morning whether I work from home that day or have to go into the office (which makes me late) while she sleeps in. In fact, she sleeps in every day unless there is a reason for her to get up. If I get up she won't get up to help in the morning.
I'm starting to feel mad. I don't feel any respect from her at all. She just makes me feel like sh@@ everytime an issue comes up whether we talk or fight about it. Frankly, I'm starting to lose respect for her. She won't take any ownership of any part of any argument when I do take my part. It's all or nothing with her. During the argument yesterday she said I haven't changed (over the past 1.5 weeks) since trying to turn things around. I told her I've been focusing on myself whether she notices it or not. I feel like she is just sitting back waiting for me to make some grand changes and the moment I slip up (we have an argument or something) the clock will just get reset back to start all over again. I can't live with a gun to my head all the time. Further, I told her things will probably get worse before they get better and that I expect to see some changes from her as well. No response. That's the other problem, anytime I nail her on an issue she dismisses it one way or another and won't give a straight answer (she can be very immature at times). An argument we got into two weeks ago that got heated and out of control again, my wife put her fingers in her ears and said over and over again "I'm not listening to you, I'm not listening to you" when I was trying to talk to her. As mad as I was I couldn't help but chuckle and ask her how old she was. Anyway, these are the types of things she will do. When she doesn't get her way she avoids the questions.
As for my exam, I'm completely derailed at the moment. I'm emotionally wrecked but also just haven't been able to find time to sit down and study. I think I'm going to head to a local library on Saturday to get out of the house and focus on my studies. I can do it at home but there are so many distractions and the kids always want rides here and there etc - my W can deal with it.
As this point I don't know how to interact with my wife. Big fight yesterday where she brought up me moving out again, she's gone dark again, went out to her friends last night and got home late and slept on the couch. I assume I should just act normal and not ignore her - I don't care that she went to her friends (they are my friends as well) and that she slept on the couch (we needed some space last night anyway). When I say normal, I don't mean giving her special attention (which was my old normal), I mean civil and discuss anything that needs to be talked about like the kids etc. We have a few of the kids birthdays that need to talked about.
We had still been doing things together lately but not as much as we normally did. We are supposed to go to our friends house for dinner Saturday night but at the moment I don't see how I could do it. My W and I would both be putting up a front to get through the dinner not to mention the point of the dinner was to plan a trip down south (I don't see that happening now).
Will see how things go this weekend. Need to get back to the civil calm we had prior to our last fight. I also need to get better at distinguishing between ignoring her and detaching from her as I need some distance. I don't want to walk around like I'm mad (ignoring her) - that just puts a really negative vibe in the house. Think I just need to talk to her as required but otherwise go ahead do the things I need to do without her.
Man, am I going to be on her dumping my heart out everyday for the next year?? I hope not!
