Back again 8 years later

[daybyday]

Sitting here with W watching tv. She's polite but self-absorb as usual as of late. Find myself wanting to give her dirty looks. I will be glad to take a day/night trip with my son this weekend. Time to have some fun without W. I wanna yell to her "sh** or get off the pot!" when it comes to finding a place. I know the solution. Go in other room and watch the Blues hockey game. I believe I will.

[Vapo]

That is where detachment comes in handy. Some spouses stay in the house and claim they want divorce and everything but when it suits them they would still play family, go to events like a family, but screw another person in the mean time...

Do not enable her spending family funds to fund her life style. You can't stop her pursuing her life style, but you do not have to fund her new life style...

[daybyday]

She is playing house and I realize it. I gave her til end of month to find a place. Do I question her if she found one or is that relationship talk? She is definitely going through the motions.

[Vapo]

What would be a point of asking her? Would her answer influence you in any way?

Please be careful "throwing her" out of the house, she might get the police and/or the courts involved. Best talk it over with your lawyer.

And for future reference, do not make threats (or promises) you can't fulfill. What will you do if she does not move out by the end of the week? I am pretty sure you can't throw her out. Please be VERY careful here. Your actions can have SEVERE implications...

[daybyday]

I hear you. No, I more just said when we were talking about it that "you should be able to find a place by the end of the month, right?" She said yes. So that's it. There is no hostility from her so that's whats weird to deal with. She is pleasant, but still going through the motions. I am detaching one piece at a time. No goodbye pecks or honey I'm home kisses. Just pleasant goodbyes.

[daybyday]

Just thinking back on some of the things my WAW has said ,and in the manner that she has said them, makes me feel that she might be taking a little joy in seeing me be upset. I know she has said "I don't want to hurt you". But it almost feels punitive in her tone. Like when I asked her if indeed she was going to move out as she had earlier said. Her reply was "Yes, I think I will stick to my plan. I know it's not the answer that you want to hear". Kind of like saying "aha! take that f-er". Or when I asked if she was going to stay in the downstairs bedroom, her reply was " Yeah, I think it's good for us right now". Another "take that f-er". I would bet that the power that comes with ILYB is a perk that wayward spouses enjoy. Maybe not all, but i bet most do. They know that we have very little leverage other than detachment. Therefore they play their games.

[Thornton]

Im sure they do like to see us sweat a little but dont give her the satisfaction.

I told my WAW I didn't want this and that I thought we could fix things and then I went pitch black NC after she walked out the door.

Haven't heard from her since. Gotta let her go before she'll ever want to come back. And even then there's no guarantees.

[daybyday]

Well the last week was pretty much event free. She seemed to be the same great gal that I married. No talk of moving out although I am realistic about that. She has been seeking me out to just casually discuss our days and such. Last night we had a few beers and watch game shows all night talking and laughing with her seeking eye contact with me the whole time. It's very easy to assume all is on the mend but I know better. I know that R talk is a no-no. But I hate not knowing her plans if or not she is going to move out. She stated she was at last talk, like she had a plan of action but I have heard no more. Do I bring it up or let it ride.

She has been seeing a counselor since November and I wonder if this jackass might be doing more harm than good. I just hope that she can take all advice and make her own decision. We had pretty traumatic event happen with one of our nephews a while back, and as we were talking I went up and told her "I have to do something. This is overdue" I gave her a hug. She said thank you. I'm trying to make amends for trying to understand her better and acting accordingly. I hope she is softening a bit. Probably just a climb on the roller coaster. Hopefully there is not a huge drop.

[Thornton]

Validate her when she talks, keep up with GAL, don't become Super Husband. I think if you can do these things, you are off to a good start.

Don't bring up the R. Let her do that. When she does, validate.

Make sure that you are fun to be around. Hard to do when you are unsure, I know. But you need to be happy. Its much easier for her to walk away from a miserable, anxious, up tight daybyday.

[daybyday]

Thanks Thornton. Great call on the super husband title. Need to be the "cool" guy that she fell in love with and married not the boot kisser pathetic follow her around the house guy.