M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I was hoping that the moderators had the ability to send private messages on here even though we can't and that maybe I could get this person some help that way. If there's just not way to do that, then I guess I will have to think of something else. I do appreciate you answering my bat call though!
The moderators do not have any private messaging ability. You can notify on a post and it will send a message to all moderators. However we have no ability to answer other than in a post.
Just journaling here, haven't tried it before......
Not much going on tonight, just can't sleep. It's only been 3 days since ow came to my apartment for a chat. It seems like it's been so much longer than that. When is time going to stop moving so slowly? I'm still not sure what to think of her visit. I keep trying to figure out why she came. What she was after. Did she just want to see me? On an information gathering expedition? Trying to get me to move on and let H go? Trying somehow to justify to herself or to me why the thinks it's okay for her to come up here and steal my H? I guess I'll never really know the answer to that question. I'll just add it to the list of things that I'll never know the answer to.
What I find surprising is that since she was here, my whole attitude seems to be different. Not really sure why. And, I don't really know if my views on things have actually changed, or if I'm just reacting to emotions and not realizing it. I also don't know if this is the outlook that I get to keep, or if I'm just going to start cycling again. I'm guessing that I will cycle, but I hope I get to hang onto this attitude for a while as it makes me feel like I'm detached even though I know that I'm not.
When ow left, I felt happy. It was great! I was happy first of all that she was gone and I didn't have to see her anymore. But, more than that, I was happy that she was mad at my H. I was even more happy when she said she was going home because it was eating me up knowing that I was going to get to be alone for Valentine's Day and H was going to get to spend the entire weekend with ow...in my house...in my bed. But, she was going home. Good that meant that maybe H could feel just as lonely and miserable as me for Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, that happiness was short lived because ow decided to come back and they indeed spent the weekend together.
When I realized that she was here and that she never went home, it didn't make me sad as it had before. It just made me angry. Angry that she was here, in my house, with my H after having told me "It's like I'm you now." She's not me and never will be. But, she has taken my spot. And, yes, I'm angry about that. It feels like it has been so much longer than just 3 days.
That's what made me question again her motives in coming to see me. Isn't that my job and the cheated on spouse to go and seek out the OP to get answers? She's not supposed to come see ME! Now I just feel like she was lying to me and using me. I guess that's not completely surprising to me. I guess I just wanted to think she was being honest.
Before she came over here, the only thing I wanted was for H to contact me. A call, text, banner from the back of an airplane..... I didn't care how, I just wanted him to reach out to me and to want to fix our marriage. But, now, when I think of him I'm just mad at him. I'm mad because he brought ow into my life. I don't want her to know about my kids, where I live, what I drive, where I work, etc. That's my business not hers. I am so mad that he told her any of that. I'm mad that he didn't seem to care if she came over here and upset me or my kids. It's like he just thinks that's fine, she can do whatever she wants.
I'm not even sure anymore that I want him to reach out to me. I have no idea how I would even react or what I would say to him. I don't know that I would be able to be open to R with him, and I'm not even sure yet if that bothers me. He has just lied to me so much, how will I ever believe him? How will I ever be able to trust him to be out of my sight? How would I react the first time he accused me of looking at someone or talking to someone....I'd probably loose it!
Well, I guess maybe this does help a little. I think I have figured out an answer to one of my questions. I do feel numb inside. I guess I was hoping that I was just so mad that I had finally let go, apparently I'm not that lucky, I just feel numb inside now. I'm sitting here thinking about him and I feel nothing. Great, I have inadvertently dragged myself back to the pit. I'm going to stop now before I make myself feel any worse than I just did. Maybe this will go better next time.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB you are doing great. Yes I too believe things will be better in time. Actually I know it. We have DB on our side and the amazing people on this board to help us with wisdom, experience and a game plan.
i don't claim to know why OW came to talk to you, I think of it was me coming to talk to you it would be to try and assert myself as the dominant one. Meaning that I am the person in H life now and flaunt it essentially. Or she is scared of something and unsure of what she is getting into and who better to ask questions to than the person who knows him best. And it sounds like she bounced back and forth between these things by showing off ring, etc and then being concerned about his actions and controlling behaviour.
Remember we are all here to help you MB. I very much enjoy watching your progress you are doing great! And thanks for stopping over at my place, I look forward to everyone comments, yours always give me a giggle or big smile tho.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hi, Tyler. Always good to hear from you. Thanks for saying that I'm doing better. I'm not really feeling that way these days. I just feel like I'm hanging out in limbo land and don't really seem to see any progress either way. Just hanging out. I know that eventually things will change one way or the other. I mean, I do know for sure that 10 years from now I won't still be sitting here waiting to see what's going to happen with H and ow. If only I had my crystal ball, I would know when that might happen!
I really do wish she had never come over to my apartment in the first place. It bothers me more now then it did at the time. The comments that she made about her and my H that were related to sex are now like ping pong balls bouncing around in my head. I just can't stop thinking about them. I wish somehow I could UNHEAR those hurtful words. She didn't seem like a complete moron so I'm going to have to assume that she had to know I didn't want to think about her and my H having sex...and the things he said and did. UGH!!! I went to my IC appointment yesterday and told him about what happened. Thought maybe he could give me some insight as to what he thought her motives might have been. He listened to me, but then seemed irritated that I was still talking about H when I wanted to work on me. I guess next week I will try a bit harder to stay on task.
As for her motives, I do agree that she seems no bounce back and forth between trying to stake her claim and information gathering. And, of course, my H seems more than happy to be on his merry way with ow by his side. It's all just a bit nauseating. She did seem to fixate on whether or not we had been talking about a D. I fully expect for her to start working on him and pushing him to serve me with D papers soon. I guess time will tell.
Haven't been doing much in way of GAL lately. Seems everyone is busy these days and I don't want to go out by myself. I did go to a friends house last night and visited with her. We even went outside and walked almost 1 1/2 miles. I've been trying to get her to go walking with me but this is the first time she said yes. I was shocked! Maybe it was the first of many times she agrees to go.
I hope you're having a great day today.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Hi MB. If ow had any integrity at all she would not have come to your house. The fact that she left angry and ready to go home tells me you got in a few good zingers yourself. You sowed the seeds of doubt in ow and even though she went back to H's house, you can know for certain that YOUR words are bouncing around in her brain, too. And he's probably scrambling to make it all right with her, but that sort of desperation leads to more doubt and despair. The A is doomed. You and I both know that not all As are, but this one has too much drama and too much controlling behavior too early. This is supposed to be la la land, and it doesn't sound like much fun to me. Keep the path home open, and be patient.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Don't open up to anyone in WAH's circle. Nothing good can come of it.
Maybe you had the desire to be the bigger person. Maybe you wanted to show her that you were a real person and hope you could talk sense into OW, or through her talk sense into WAH. None of this is going to happen though. Instead OW gets whatever she was looking for. Maybe she wanted to get some dirt on you to drive more of a wedge between you and WAH, or she wanted to convince herself she was a good person, or who knows what. But it's pretty gross. If she had any character she wouldn't be sacking up with a married man so don't expect anything positive to come from her and stay the heck away. I know it is a surprise when they don't have horns and a pitch fork and take a human shape, but the devil is more subtle than that.
You do need to create more distance between you and WAH. You don't just need to be NC. You need enough time to pass that you are a different person than the woman he left.
Think back to the girl you were when you were 17. You are the same person...but not really. Nothing in your life is the same. The only thing you have in common with that girl is that the experiences she had and the experiences you are having just happen to both be occurring to the same person- you. But you don't identify with the 17 year old anymore. That was you. But now YOU are you.
Same way, you need to let the person you were in your marriage, the one that loves WAH, the house wife, all of that...that woman has to fade. You need to let that go. That's why divorce is like death. It is the death of the life you had. And the person that was supposed to bear witness to that life, and celebrate that life...they have turned away. But while it's hard, it's inevitable. Clinging to a life you no longer have prolongs the pain. Grieve for the marriage, validate your feelings, honor the person you were, but do keep taking steps forward. And stay the heck away from anyone that is in your WAH's circle. Eventually you will be a new person once again, and while this loss will always hurt, you will be able to find some joy in what God has given you.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, I'm a bit confused by your response on my thread. Not confused about the words you said or what they mean, but confused about why you thought it was valid to me.
I didn't go seek out ow. As a matter of fact, I had thought about contacting her a couple of months ago, and decided against it. I decided against it because I didn't want whatever she said to hurt me any more than I'm already hurting. I knew I would never be able to UNhear the words that she said. Guess what. I was right! I really wish that she hadn't talked to me about my H and things he said to her. I am not sorry that I spoke with her though. I didn't lie. I didn't exaggerate. I didn't mislead her. And I had zero expectations from her. I didn't yell, scream or get mad, I just talked to her calmly. She asked me some questions and I gave her some honest answers. I'm not trying to hide anything from her as I have nothing to hide. If she wants to be in "love" with my H, then shouldn't she know who he is? If she wants to continue with the relationship with my H, then she will do it with her eyes wide open. I would have never gone to her, but since she came to me I didn't see any harm in answering what she asked me. If I sat there in silence, wouldn't that be like me hiding H's secrets for him? Why in the world would I need to be the one to hide HIS secrets and behaviors for him? Aside from being emotionally abusive to ME, he has repeatedly lied, cheated, and betrayed me. As for my motive for talking to her, I didn't really have one which is why I didn't go looking for her. Didn't really have time to sit down and think about my motives, I got out of the bathtub and she was standing at my front door already.
Then, you talk about creating more distance from my H. Exactly how do you get MORE distance than absolutely ZERO contact? I don't see him, text him, call him, or run into him ever. I think that's about as distant as I can possibly be. He hasn't layed eyes on me in weeks. I would say that he's not even thinking about me, but that would be mindreading and I get into trouble for doing that. As for more time, yes I am aware that time will cause us to grow even farther apart. That's why I'm pretty sick of NC, but yet I continue it anyway. I, however, cannot make time pass more quickly around here so that seems to be out of my hands as far as "You do need to create more distance between you and WAH."
"You need enough time to pass that you are a different person than the woman he left." What? He didn't have a problem with me other than I moved out and was not in the house with him when he went to bed. I don't really feel the need to do all this soul searching to reveal this new and improved person that he would be a fool to leave. He's already a fool for leaving me. The problem that I DO have, and that I'm working on are self esteem issues that I already had and allowed him to make worse. I am already seeing an IC to try to fix those problems inside myself. Not sure what else I can do. I am not perfect, no one is. We all have flaws. But, I was already a kind, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, attentive, intelligent, faithful, loving and mature person/wife. That's just who I am. Unfortunately, he hasn't ever been exposed to people that are like that and he just couldn't believe that I wasn't hiding anything from him. His loss. For now, I'm just going to work on my beaten down self esteem and be me.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, your last paragraph is so true for my situation. Still don't get why OW came to see you, although it shows how insecure she is as you have been NC with your H and despite this she sees you as a threat! It's funny how OP sometimes acts!
Keep walking on our path. Why aren't you going out on your own? I go to the cinema and I like it. If I was near you, I can garantee you we'd be doing something.
Have faith in everyday as it brings you closer to internal happiness :-)
MB, you are already a kind, caring, compassionate, brilliant, loving loyal wonderful person. You deserve love from someone who would never leave. Don't ever forget that. Being with a selfish person can severely damage the self esteem. I think you should feel very proud of the way you are keeping to your plan of NC and not driving by anymore. You've kept me from doing stupid things by the way you are working this DB. Program!
I didn't drive by that restaurant last night, so I don't know if ow was there with W, having dinner with those people we would have dinner with every night before this particular game! Another tradition broken, but at least I didn't torture myself with it. I have you and Rain to thank for that. I can't thank you enough for your support this past week.
XOXO
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
