hi nitaf - boy what a tangle you have there! you are doing SO well to have managed to stay on an even keel with all that history, and the rollercoaster H is on
i totally agree with the observations rotz makes - H is confused, and is likely to throw more unpredictable stuff at you. cindy and renew had very good advice. my only original addition, and this may be because i genuinely have a short attention span - break up your issues. you will see from my post, there are gremlins i refuse to let out until i'm good and ready. i think given the magnitude of what you have to deal with, you may want to list out all the issues, focus on the important and/or small ones first, knock them off, that will boost your PMA, then move on to the rest.
for example, i notice you get concerned about ML every few days - are you REALLY ok with it, or do you think it is something you HAVE to do to save R? or some other historical baggage? we all have our perspectives, but you will need your own stand. this is way too personal to adopt a party line on. personally, i had some misgivings about ML with H while he was in a full blown PA, BUT, i enjoyed it, he enjoyed it, and it kept us emotionally bonded through the turbulence. i don't think OW knew we were ML every day, so it gave my PMA a major boost. nitaf - know thyself. remember, love is a decision, and once you make and accept the decision, it liberates you to move on with confidence.
history is something we all have to come to terms with - dbing really helps put a framework in place to handle emotions in a much more constructive and mature manner. so there were mistakes in the past. if H sees you letting go graciously, how will he respond?
but, i still maintain, they may be better handled one at a time. sort of drags out the process, but hey, are you going anywhere soon? baby steps, baby steps. lots of love and hugs, slowly
