Staying The Course

[Zues126]

Just caught up on your sitch. Sorry you're here. Just two comments to start.

In response to the whole "Should I want my M back" or "Should I accept D and move on", the answer is really neither. You don't need to make any decisions today. And even if you did, you would still grieve, you would still have second thoughts either way. And either way, you should be doing the same things. Taking care of yourself. So spare yourself the whole 'making a decision' thing. Instead detach from both outcomes and take care of yourself so you'll be ok regardless.

As for the whole "how can I be consistent with my validation", it reminded me of a post I made the other day. Cliff notes- work on understanding his point of view, not on pretending you do.

I don't think validation is a technique you should try to remember. I think it is the natural outcome of understanding your partner. If you can 'forget', this just means you haven't really understood his point of view. Because if you did, you wouldn't lose sight of it.

There was a story I never forgot about the dad with 3 kids riding home on a bus one day. The dad was quietly looking out the window. The kids were running up and down the aisles, running into other passengers, causing a ruckus. The dad did nothing to stop them and was just not attentive. As the kids grew more wild, the passengers on the bus started exchanging glances at each other, rolling their eyes, shaking their heads. Finally, one passenger decided he needed to address it. He tried to be polite but it was clear he was irritated. He walked up to the dad and said "excuse me, but if you haven't noticed your children have been behaving a bit inappropriately and it's bothering some of the passengers. Would you mind talking to them about it?" The dad turned slowly and said in a monotone voice, "I'm so sorry, I hadn't noticed. It's been a hard day. We are on our way back from their mother's funeral and I guess none of us really know how to handle it."

I read that over 10 years ago and it stuck with me. I believe it was from the 7 habits of highly effective people, but the point was about paradigm shift. How we see things a certain way, and how that can shift entirely. Once it shifts, it doesn't just shift back.

So once you truly hear what your H is saying, you won't need to remember to validate, any more than the passenger on the bus would need to try to remember to be patient with the dad the remainder of the trip home.

Hang in and keep posting.